Posted 4:38 PM by Blah blah

Richard Chamberlain: Gay! (Entertainment)

Out in the Open (People magazine).

Well you can hit me with a door frame. This just proves what I wrote before about the irresistible allure of the slightly gay heterosexual man: "The secret is that combination of masculine and feminine traits," says my colleague Russell Smith. "A touch of gay flair, or at least what an extremely conservative, repressed society perceives as effeminacy or gay flair, is a very effective technique. An interest in clothes, in how things look, in aesthetics and services, a certain narcissism and vanity and, oh, classical music -- it scores chicks."

"Dr. Kildare" Comes Out (E! Online):
_____________
The actor, whose matinee idol looks set female hearts aflutter as the handsome nurse-magnet medic in the 1960s TV series Dr. Kildare and as the sexy priest in love with a woman in the 1983 miniseries The Thorn Birds, has finally revealed his sexual orientation.

No longer the sex symbol he used to be, Chamberlain says he was tired of nursing his secret, sick of the habit of pretending.

"I can talk about it now because I'm not afraid anymore," Chamberlain reveals in an interview airing Sunday on Dateline NBC....

[H]is impact on the big screen never matched his small-screen appeal. His other TV successes included the role of the heroic English adventurer shipwrecked in feudal Japan in the historical drama Shogun and the heroic title role in Wallenberg: A Hero's Story.

Posted 3:41 PM by Blah blah

Silicon Valley: Less Relevant? (Business)

Falling Off of the Cutting Edge (Washington Post): "Silicon Valley is engaged in the sort of soul-searching that families go through when a beloved elder starts teetering. Is this a passing crisis, they whisper, or the onset of something more serious?

The valley's revered elder, in this case, is information technology, and lately industry insiders have been debating whether the sector is on the edge of strategic obsolescence.

The source of consternation is an article published this month in the Harvard Business Review. In his provocatively titled 'IT Doesn't Matter,' Editor at Large Nicholas Carr argues that since everyone uses information technology to run his business these days, maybe no one gains strategic advantage from it anymore. As a result, he writes, corporate managers should rethink their whole approach to buying digital goodies.

It is Carr's prescription for corporations that has the titans in the high-tech world up in arms. To remain competitive, he says, companies today should spend less on information technology, and delay adopting the latest hardware and software since the older stuff is often more than adequate. Carr goes on to say companies should worry more about safeguarding against computer outages and similar glitches than about using technology to exploit new business opportunities."

He's probably right. Most people are very stingy here about paying for new technology, and most are skeptical about the real financial benefits from it. We've been smacked across the face by oversupply and overengineering, by all these promised gains from the latest hot technology that didn't show and left us stranded at the altar.

Posted 3:41 PM by Blah blah

"Beautiful People" Have Zits Too (Beauty)

High-definition TV exposes Hollywood's ugly truths: Extra-clear TV reveals stars' imperfections, including once-concealed skin conditions (Ottawa Citizen).

"Cameron Diaz has skin problems, according to high-definition television, which is threatening to expose the previously invisible 'flaws' of the world's most physically beautiful people.

As HDTV spreads its digital clarity into homes worldwide, Hollywood is sounding the alarm. The stars are running for cover, warts and all, only to find the most advanced makeup wizardry to date failing to save perfect face.

Plastic surgeons are drooling. The makeup industry is strategizing. As the ugly truth reveals itself to an ever-expanding digital audience, some of the beautiful people have come clean.

Faced with the horror of a sudden acne attack, Ms. Diaz reportedly skipped a premiere showing of Gangs of New York.

'I want girls to realize that nobody looks like the women in the glossy photos without the help of a load of talented people,' she recently confessed to Glamour magazine.

Those talented people, who make up the 'Hollywood glamour machine,' are looking for new answers, television industry columnist Phillip Swann explained in Television Week.

On Ms. Diaz, a regular on People magazine's list of the world's most beautiful, Mr. Swann writes, 'the magazine's editors -- and most of the Western world -- do not have high-definition TV. If they did, they would see that Diaz's face is spotted with small pockmarks, the unfortunate consequence of a longtime acne problem.'

'When seen on film,' Mr. Swann says, 'Diaz's skin imperfections are not noticeable, thanks to Hollywood's talented makeup artists. However, with HDTV, the picture is so precise that the acne damage cannot be hidden. In a high-def broadcast of Charlie's Angels on HBO, Diaz looks like a different person. She's still very pretty. But to be frank, I doubt that she would make People's most beautiful list.' "
-----------------------------------
This is exactly why I don't see the value of getting HDTV. I want my fantasy to go on. I think it's ridiculous for people to expect actors (or bloggers, for that matter) to have perfect skin, or to use those fantasy airbrushed magazine ads to judge their girlfriends or friends. Good skin is SO hard to keep and maintain. I'm one of those who has struggled with acne and scarring for most of my life. It's hell to deal with it. Most people I know, including the "beautiful people," have some kind of skin blemishes.

Some people don't realize that acne can stay alive and well after age 30, and people like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise have remains of acne scars on their faces, which are hidden by makeup.

Next time you worry about the perfect complexion, please remember that most of us battle this every day too.

Posted 3:02 PM by Blah blah

Google U.S. Puzzle Championship (Math)

I just tried the Google U.S. Puzzle Championship today. It's an international test, open to anyone, to check your skill in math and logical thinking. People who do very well get on a national team and have a chance to be hired by Google.

The test time is over, but you may try it, if you dare. (They have a link to the answers too. You need to download their two PDF files. You open each file with the password shown for each.) I used to compete in math contests in high school, but it's been a damned long time since I've had to think this way, and my math skills really suck now. I could only solve three questions out of 23. This is one of the hardest math tests I've ever taken. I only got #4, 14, and 17 right. Boo. :(

They asked many questions that require visual and spatial imagination. If anyone knows how to deal with these crossword and Tetris types of problems systematically, please let me know. I was totally lost. Also, does anyone understand the answer to #3 (Making Change)? I don't get it.

Posted 7:29 PM by Blah blah

Frasier Script (Drama)

One of my favorite TV comedy shows of all time is Frasier.
Each episode feels like a finely crafted play. I worship their writers and need to study their scripts.

Season 3, Show 22: Frasier Loves Roz

Written by Suzanne Martin, Directed by Philip Charles MacKenzie
==================================================
Production Code: 3.22
Episode Number In Production Order: 70
Original Airdate on NBC: 7th May 1996
Transcript written on 27th February 1999, by Shawne Wang
Transcript revised on 14th April 2001
Transcript Revised 2nd on 22nd December 2002

Act One.

Scene One - KACL

Nearing the end of another show.



Frasier: Go ahead, Tom.  I'm listening.

    Tom: [voice-over] Hi, Dr. Crane.  Uh, it's about my girlfriend.

         My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or

         because things are so great between us physically.

Frasier: Well, how long have you two been together?

    Tom: Six years. 



Frasier is surprised.  Roz mouths, "Wow."



Frasier: And the sex is still that good?

    Tom: Oh man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day

         on weekends.  But I'm not sure we have much else in common.

Frasier: Well, common interests are of course the foundation of...

         three times, you say?

    Tom: Is that abnormal?

Frasier: Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal.  It's not fair, but it's 

         not abnormal. 



Roz laughs.  The phone in her booth rings, and she answers.



Frasier: Um, but you know, perhaps you share more things than you 

         think you do actually.  I'll tell you what, try this: why 

         don't you pick up a catalogue from a local university, go 

         through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd 

         like to take together?

    Tom: That's a good idea!  Thanks, Doc.  Have a great weekend.

Frasier: Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary. 



He pushes a button to disconnect Tom and sighs.  Roz signals him to wrap it up. 



Frasier: Well, that's it for today, Seattle.  This is Dr. Frasier Crane, 

         wishing you all good mental health. [goes off the air]

    Roz: Niles called from the airport; he wants you to call him back. 

         He sounded frantic!

Frasier: [walking into her booth] I'll call him from the car.  He's

         flying to a conference in Switzerland; I promised to talk

         him through it.

    Roz: Surely he's flown before?

Frasier: Well, not coach! 



He pauses, appalled by the lime-green dress with the horrendous 

pink bow across the midriff hanging behind Roz's console.



Frasier: Roz, is this the dress you're wearing to the wedding?

    Roz: I have to, I'm a bridesmaid.

Frasier: [trying to be tactful] Is there a reason it has to be so, so...?

    Roz: Hideous?  It's supposed to be, so that way, the bride, by

         comparison, will glow! [holding the dress up to her 

         distastefully] Next to this baby, she'll light up like a bug

         zapper.  You know, of all my friends in Wisconsin, this girl

         was the last one I thought would beat me to the altar.

Frasier: Not the Dairy State's comeliest chunk of cheddar?

    Roz: Let's just say she works in her father's ice cream parlour

         and she eats her mistakes.  The groom's family makes cones.

Frasier: Oh, well, we don't need Freud for that, do we? 



He has picked up some messages and walks back into his booth. 

Roz follows, dress in hand. She hangs it up to the window 

behind Frasier's console.



    Roz: The whole thing is just so depressing.  Lately everyone I

         know is settling down, getting married, having children. 

         What am I doing wrong?

Frasier: [packing his briefcase] Well, do you want me to answer 

         as a friend, or a therapist?

    Roz: As a friend!

Frasier: See a therapist. [he turns back to his briefcase]

    Roz: Frasier!

Frasier: [relenting] Well, Roz, I think your whole problem stems from 

         some unresolved issues that cause you to choose the men you 

         date.  Always flashy and superficial, offering no prospect 

         of a lasting relationship.

    Roz: Why would I do that?

Frasier: Maybe fear of commitment, fear of being hurt.  But maybe 

         it's time you started looking at different kinds of men. 

         You know, men who are more settled, a little less flash 

         and more substance.

    Roz: You're probably right, Frasier.  Hey, if I were smart, 

         I'd go out with the next guy I see I'm not the least bit 

         attracted to.



As Frasier pulls open the door, laughing, Bulldog comes in, rolling 

his usual trolley.  He walks over to Roz after wheeling it to the side.



Bulldog: Roth, Roth, I juth bit my tongue.  Can you kith it and 

         make it better? [sticks it out]

    Roz: The next one after him. [Frasier nods in tacit understanding]

Bulldog: Oh, Doc, Doc. [takes a camcorder from the trolley] Here's 

         my video camera.

Frasier: [accepting it] Oh, thank you, Bulldog.

Bulldog: What do you need it for?

Frasier: Well, I'm going to record my father.  I'm going to have his

         life on tape so Frederick can enjoy it in years to come.

    Roz: What a good idea!

Bulldog: [seeing the dress] Whoa!  That's the ugliest thing I 

         ever saw!

    Roz: [snapping] I'm going to a wedding.

Bulldog: Oh, I love weddings.  Never been to a wedding where I didn't

         bag at least one bridesmaid.  And the uglier the dress, the

         quicker they want to get out of them.  This one would hit the 

         floor before the rice!



He goes into the next booth.  Roz checks the clock and takes the dress down.



    Roz: I've got to get going.  Can you believe I actually have to 

         be seen in public in this thing?

Frasier: Well, Roz, it's only for a few hours.  After that you can 

         donate it to the Salvation Army... and one day make some Irish 

         drag queen very happy.



Roz laughs.  They go their separate ways.



NO ONE SAID ANYTHING 

PARTICULARLY AMUSING FOR TWO WEEKS, 

AND THEN...



Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa

Niles and Frasier are enjoying a coffee together.



  Niles: What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a

         day on the slopes?  So I ducked out of the conference and who

         should I run into, but Maris?  She'd just flown in for her

         yearly goat placenta treatments!

Frasier: Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?

  Niles: We had a set-to on the slopes.  She ran, I tried to follow

         her tracks in the snow, but alas, she made none.

		 

A tall, bearded man in glasses walks into the cafe and stands in line.



  Niles: [putting a hand to his face] Oh, dear. 

Frasier: What is it?  What's the matter?

  Niles: I just spotted someone.  It's my least favorite patient.  

         The man's a compulsive womaniser.  He goes through so 

         many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, 

         "Sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.

Frasier: Oh, God.

  Niles: Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?

Frasier: Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? [Niles nods] 

         How long have you been seeing him?

  Niles: Six months.  We've made no progress whatsover.  Sometimes I

         feel he comes in not so much for help, as to brag.  He claims

         to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women!

Frasier: Oh puh-leease!  A hundred and fifty!

  Niles: As if anything over, say... seven weren't absurd.

Frasier: Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.



Behind Frasier's back, Niles sees the man now embracing Roz.



  Niles: Oh, now serving one hundred and fifty-one.

Frasier: [turns and gasps] Good God!  He's here to see Roz?

  Niles: Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named

         them Man and Woman of the Year.

Frasier: [panicking] Niles, you don't understand.  She-she's

         been very vulnerable lately.

  Niles: [getting up and taking his coat] Well, I hope you'll forgive 

         me if I don't stick around. I'd like to leave before she makes

         introductions.

Frasier: I've got to warn her!

  Niles: [alarmed] Warn her how?  What I just told you was in 

         strict confidence, therapist to therapist. You can't 

         go repeating it! 

Frasier: But-but-

  Niles: No!

Frasier: Oh... of course, of course, you're right, I won't.  

         But that is the last man that Roz should be with!

  Niles: Well, don't worry.  Knowing Roz, he won't be.



Niles leaves in a hurry just as Roz spots Frasier.



    Roz: Hey, Frasier!

Frasier: [uncomfortably] Oh, Roz!

    Roz: I'd like to introduce you to someone.  This is Ben Collins.

Frasier: [standing and shaking his hand, obviously discomfited]

         Frasier Crane, pleasure.

    Ben: Likewise.

    Roz: Is it all right if we join you?

Frasier: Oh, why not??

    Ben: I'll grab our coffees.



Ben leaves as Roz comes and settles in across from Frasier.



    Roz: He is the greatest guy!  You know, when I first met him, 

         I thought, "He's not my type."  Then I remembered what you 

         said.  And I'm so glad you gave me that advice, Frasier, 

         because without it, I would never have given him a second 

         look.

Frasier: Well, Roz, let's not rule out that all-important third look.

    Roz: Would you stop worrying about me, Frasier?  This one's

         different.  I can tell he really cares about me.



At this moment, Ben returns and saves Frasier from his obvious discomfort.



Ben: [ominously] Here you go, Sunshine!



Frasier looks up at Ben with a suspicious smile plastered on his face.



Fade to black.



ANOTHER CURIOUSLY UNAMUSING WEEK PASSED, UNTIL...



Scene Three - Frasier's apartment

Martin enters through the front door.



Martin: Why can't you be like other dogs?  Why can't you bring home 

        bones or animals you kill? 



Eddie follows into the apartment almost sheepishly, holding a

few yellow tulips in his mouth.



Martin: [taking the flowers] Give me those!  Relax, I'm just going to 

        put them with the roses you picked yesterday.



Frasier comes in.



Frasier: Oh hey, Dad!  Fresh from your walk?  I think now is as good 

         a time as any to crank up the ol' camcorder.

 Martin: Nah, maybe later.

Frasier: Oh Dad, you've been saying "no" for weeks now!

 Martin: Well, gee, some people would take that for a hint!

Frasier: All you have to do is just sit here and talk about your

         life.

 Martin: Life's got nothing to do with it!  This is about me dying 

         and you having something to look at after I'm dead. The whole

         thing gives me the creeps!

Frasier: I can't believe you're refusing to record your history, the

         story that only you, Martin Crane, can tell, because it gives 

         you the creeps!

 Martin: OK then, I'll tell you the real truth. [mockingly holds

         the limp tulips to the back of his head] My Indian heritage

         forbids it.  I'm afraid your magic box will rob me of my 

         spirit.



The doorbell rings.  Frasier goes to answer it.



Frasier: I don't know why you're being so negative about this.  It's

         not really for when you're dead.  It's for when you've lost

         your mind.



Martin leaves the room.  Frasier opens the door to Roz.



    Roz: Hey, Frasier.

Frasier: [sarcastic] Oh hello, Roz!  Why, after waiting for forty-five 

         minutes, did I assume you'd forgotten our appointment?

    Roz: Sorry, but uh... I was on my way out, when Ben called.

Frasier: Oh yes... Ben. 

    Roz: Oh, what's with you?  Every time I bring him up, you make that

         face.  I'm getting the sense that you don't like him that much.

Frasier: It's just that I know something about Ben...

    Roz: What?

Frasier: [improvising] He's a little old for you.

    Roz: He's thirty-six!

Frasier: Exactly my point! [clumsily] When you were a freshman, he was 

        a senior.  That never works out! [changes the subject] 

        I'm getting my briefcase!

   Roz: I'll go get a Coke.



Frasier walks off toward his bedroom; Roz walks into the kitchen and

sees Daphne there, just generally puttering around.



   Roz: Oh, hi, Daphne! [gets a Coke from the fridge]

Daphne: Hello, Roz.  How are you?

   Roz: OK... can I ask you something?  Does Frasier seem weird 

        to you-?

Daphne: Oh God, yes.

   Roz: I haven't finished my question yet.

Daphne: Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the

        buzzer.

   Roz: [laughs, then] Well, this is strange.  I mean, for the 

        first time in years, I'm in a really solid relationship, 

        and instead of being happy for me, Frasier seems upset.

Daphne: Oh, that is odd.  Unless... 

   Roz: Unless what?

Daphne: Well... [conspiratorial] Dr. Crane is jealous of Ben

        because he wants you for himself.

   Roz: Huh? [laughs] Ohhh, no, no, no!

Daphne: Yes, what else could it be?

   Roz: Fra-Frasier?  What, you really think so? [pushes Daphne playfully]

        Daphne, no!  No way!  No, he doesn't - Frasier is the one 

        who told me to find myself a new boyfriend.  Someone who 

        is settled, someone more nurturing, someone with substance

        over flash.

Daphne: They could put that on Dr. Crane's tombstone.

   Roz: [starting to believe it] Oh, come on!  No way!

Daphne: Yes!  Wait, there's something else. 

   Roz: What?

Daphne: I probably shouldn't tell you this.  But earlier this morning, 

        Dr. Crane was on the phone with his brother and he said that your 

        relationship with Ben was driving him crazy, [Roz's jaw drops] 

        and that he was dying to tell you but he can't.

   Roz: [almost screeching] Oh my God, did you hear him say that?!

Daphne: I certainly did!

   Roz: Oh, this is too weird, this is too weird!  What am I going to 

        say?  Maybe I won't say anything.  Maybe he'll just see how 

        happy I am with Ben.



Frasier storms into the kitchen, banging around. 



Frasier: Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben!  My God, Roz, would you just drop it with

         Ben for a minute and pay some attention to me? [storms back out]

    Roz: Oh-kaay!



She picks up her coke and leaves the kitchen after exchanging a

glance with the knowing Daphne. 



End Of Act One.



Act Two. 

Scene Four - KACL 

Frasier is sitting in his booth, reading a magazine.  Roz enters from 

his door and stops short, seeming a bit embarrassed to see him.



Frasier: Morning, Roz!

    Roz: [nervous] Hi, Frasier!

Frasier: Hey, you look lovely, that colour's very flattering!

    Roz: Thanks.

Frasier: You know, I think this calls for a hug!

    Roz: [backing away instinctively] Oh, I don't look that good.

Frasier: No, no, no, no, Roz.  Look! [holds up the magazine] 

         My God, the ratings are in, and we did better in our timeslot 

         this week than ever before!  Congratulations, partner!



He folds her into a hug, which she returns very uncomfortably.



Frasier: Why don't we have dinner tonight, celebrate?

    Roz: That sounds so fun... but I kinda have plans.

Frasier: I should have known. [laughs uneasily] Another time,

         perhaps.

    Roz: Yeah sure, that sounds great.



She moves off into her booth just as Bulldog enters Frasier's.



Bulldog: Yo, Doc.  When are you going to return my video camera?  

         I got a hot date tonight and I want to record certain events 

         for posterity, if you know what I mean.

Frasier: Uh... tomorrow, Bulldog. [Bulldog starts to protest] 

         Well, maybe tonight you could just have a police sketch artist 

         crouch on your balcony.



Bulldog seems to accept this suggestion and leaves.  

Frasier gets up and heads into Roz's booth.



Roz: [on the phone as she files her nails] So Mom, let me ask you 

     something.  How long did you know Dad before you told him you

     loved him?  Mom?  Mom?  Mom, you've been divorced fifteen years!

     Let it go! 



She doesn't notice Frasier come in behind her.



Roz: Listen, Ben is coming over to dinner tonight, and I think 

     I'm going to tell him I love him.



Frasier is so flustered by this that he drops the tape he was carrying. 

Roz, startled by the noise, hangs up quickly.



    Roz: I gotta work, bye!

Frasier: [fumbling] Oh I'm, I'm sorry, Roz. I should have knocked.

    Roz: [just as flustered] It's OK, it's OK, it's OK!

Frasier: I couldn't help overhearing the last part of your

         conversation there.  You think you're not rushing things 

         a little bit with Ben?  Are you really that serious?

    Roz: Yes, I am.

Frasier: But you know, there are a lot of men in the world.

    Roz: And lots of women, too!

Frasier: [beat] Well, that's more of a personal preference but I... 



He hurries into his booth.  Roz, confused, follows him.



    Roz: I meant for you!  Look, Frasier, what I'm trying to say is 

         I know you have a problem with me and Ben, but we're happy 

         together.

Frasier: Well, it's just that you've only been going out for a month!

    Roz: Well, sometimes, that's all it takes. [noticing the time]

         Fifteen seconds!  Listen Frasier, I'd like to think that

         there's some small part of you that is happy for me.  After

         all, it WAS your advice that got me this far! 

Frasier: Of course I'm happy for you. 

    Roz: Thanks.



She goes into her booth, closes the door, and hits a button on her console.



Frasier: [to himself] Me and my stupid advice... [notices the "On-Air" 

         light] will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!



Scene Five - Frasier's apartment.

That afternoon, Niles is sitting on the couch with the 

video camera, trying to persuade Martin to do the tape.



Martin: I'm not doing it, it's morbid.

 Niles: It's not morbid.  And besides, if you don't do it, the only

        footage we'll have of you in the family archives is you

        pretending your stomach was a face that summer at the lake.

Martin: [puts down his paper] Alright Niles, if it'll shut 

        you up, I'll do it.

 Niles: Thanks, Dad!  We'll make this quick and easy. [he adjusts the

        camcorder, then looks at Martin] Is that what you're wearing? 

Martin: Forget it. [picks up the paper again]

 Niles: No, no no, all right.  Here we go, here we go. [starts recording]

        OK...



P.O.V. Through the viewfinder of the camera:



Martin: My name's Martin Crane.  When I made this tape, I was sixty-

        four years old.  But now... I'm DEAD! 



Niles starts getting disconcerted. 



Martin: Trapped in a box, underground... [snickers] Pretty scary, huh? 

       

He throws his head back and laughs evilly.  Niles stops the tape. 



 Niles: Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for 

        the Cranes of the twenty-first century?

Martin: Alright, alright, I do. [Niles starts the tape again] 

        Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. 

        And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took 

        off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot 

        locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, 

        le-le... 



He starts choking and kicks back in his Barcalounger, shaking, 

his tongue lolling out of his mouth.  By now, Niles has given up. 

He turns the camcorder onto himself.



Niles: Future generations: see what I had to put up with?



Frasier enters the apartment.



Frasier: Hello.

 Martin: Hello. [getting up]

  Niles: [to Frasier] Hello. [to Martin] I suppose this means we're

         finished?

 Martin: Well, unless you want future generations to see me go to

         the can! [he goes off]

Frasier: Niles, actually I'm glad you're here.  I have to talk to you

         about Roz.

  Niles: Oh, no, no, no.  I've breached my ethics once already.

Frasier: Niles, please, I've gotten desperate! 

  Niles: [puts his fingers in his ears] No, no, no!

Frasier: Niles, she plans to tell him that she loves him tonight!

         [Niles takes his fingers out] From what you told me about 

         Ben's patterns, that will be the end of it and Roz will be 

         shattered.  God, there has got to be some loophole in this 

         confidentiality rule that will allow me to warn her and still 

         preserve your ethics. [looks at the bookcase] Niles!  Help me 

         look through these textbooks!

  Niles: [starts leaving] No, I'll have no part in this!

Frasier: Please, Niles!  Think of Roz!

  Niles: I'm thinking of my license!

Frasier: Well then, think of what Freud said!  "We are never so

         helplessly unhappy as when we lose love." 



Niles stops at the door and turns back reluctantly.



  Niles: Oh, all right!  But that was dirty pool, using a Freud 

         quotation. 

Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

  Niles: It's the Crane boys' kryptonite.

Frasier: I know, I know.  Thank you.



Scene Six

Obviously, time passes.  The two brothers are seated at the coffee

table, poring over psychiatry books, ties loosened and Niles has 

his jacket off.



Frasier: Say, here's a possibility.  According to this, it says we 

         can warn her if he means to do her bodily harm.  Does he?

  Niles: No.

Frasier: Damn!

  Niles: It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.



They stop poring and look up, interested.



Frasier: Go on...

  Niles: Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her.

         [puts down his textbook] Is she irrational?

Frasier: She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came

         out of the oidal chute.

  Niles: Borderline, borderline.  Does she ever act delusional?

Frasier: Well, she often claims that she is responsible for the

         success of our show.

  Niles: Building, building.  Does she display below-average

         intelligence?

Frasier: [triumphantly] She once ordered a bottle of white Zinfandel!

  Niles: Jackpot! [stands and points at the door] Go to her, she's a 

         threat to herself!

Frasier: It's amazing they even let the woman drive!



He rushes out.



BRIDESMAID REVISITED



Scene Seven - Roz's apartment

Frasier pounds on Roz's door.



    Roz: [from inside] Who is it?

Frasier: It's Frasier!



Roz pulls it open: she looks a mess.  She's clad in the awful lime-green 

bridesmaid's dress, her hair wildly tangled and her mascara smeared so much 

so that her eyes resemble that of a panda's. A decidely unlovely sight.



Frasier: Oh my God!  What happened?

    Roz: [sobbing] He dumped me, Frasier!



She falls back from the door.  He follows her in, and hugs her.  

He notices a bottle of champagne on the table, with two glasses.



Frasier: Oh, oh, honey!  I - come here.  Oh God...

    Roz: Everything was going great! [sinks into a dining chair] 

         Until I said "I love you, Ben."  Then he got this look on his 

         face, like he'd taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighbourhood!  

         He didn't even touch the champagne.

Frasier: Oh I'm... I'm sorry, Roz.  Here. [hands her a handkerchief]

    Roz: Thank you.

Frasier: When you... [she blows her nose loudly] when you professed 

         your love for him, uh... were you dressed like that?

    Roz: No!  After he left, I went in to change, and I saw all these

         old bridesmaid dresses hanging in the closet.  And that's 

         when it hit me.  That's what I am, a bridesmaid!  I might 

         as well wear the uniform!

Frasier: Oh Roz, no, no!  Now, now, come on! 

    Roz: Yes!

Frasier: Come on!  Now look, look, you know, I find that whenever 

         I'm low, it always lifts my spirits when I just spruce up a 

         bit.  It wouldn't hurt to run a brush through your hair... 

         or through your teeth.

    Roz: Oh God! [pushes him back and goes to the dresser] 

         I must look awful!

Frasier: No, no, not at all.

    Roz: You're a big fat liar. [turns back to the mirror] 

         But you were right about Ben, and I just didn't see it.  

         What made you come over here anyway?

Frasier: Well, actually, I was coming over here to take one last 

         stab at convincing you that Ben was the wrong man for you.  

         You deserve someone better, Roz.

    Roz: Oh, yeah, [trying to tug a brush through her snarled hair] 

         I'm a real catch! [gives up and sinks onto her bed] Hell...

Frasier: Oh, now, things really aren't all as dark as they seem.

         You know, you're a-a beautiful, intelligent, desirable... 



She just looks at him, the brush dangling from her hair.



Frasier: Why don't you let me just take a stab at that, will you? 

         [starts brushing her hair out] I can't imagine any man not 

         thinking himself the luckiest in the world to be with you.

    Roz: You really do... think that, don't you?

Frasier: Yes, and I'm surprised you even had to ask me that.

    Roz: I guess I didn't.  I've known that you've had these romantic

         feelings toward me, for a while.

Frasier: [shell-shocked] What?

    Roz: Oh come on!  Don't deny it.  Those hints about finding 

         someone with substance over style, the way you hated Ben.  

         And then Daphne told me she overheard you telling Niles that 

         you couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted to tell me the

         truth!

Frasier: Daphne told you that?

    Roz: Yeah - don't be mad at her.

Frasier: No, no, I'm not.  It's just that when she said that...

    Roz: No it's OK, Frasier.  I'm glad she told me.  The only thing

         keeping me from completely falling apart right now is

         knowing that someone like you could be interested in me.



Frasier thinks fast, but is unable to say anything more effective.



Frasier: Well, then... there's no point in denying it, is there? 



He starts brushing her hair mechanically, placing a hand on her head 

and dragging the brush through her hair.  This motion becomes repeatedly 

rougher.



    Roz: You know, maybe the idea of you and me isn't so crazy.  

         You are the kind of man I should be with!  Smart, gentle... 

         Ow!  I said gentle!

Frasier: [stops brushing] Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Roz.  

         Uh, you know, it's just that there are so many...

    Roz: I know, I know.  Workplace romances always fail. 

Frasier: Exactly my point!

    Roz: And I'm on the rebound.  I've got to give myself time to

         heal. 

Frasier: [nods enthusiastically] Yes yes, lots of time.



Pause.



    Roz: On the other hand, you are the one who always says the best

         relationships start with friendship.

Frasier: Well, I do say that, yes.  It's true, but...

    Roz: And we're friends, aren't we?

Frasier: [smiles] We're very good friends.

    Roz: Right now we are both free.

Frasier: Oh well, in my case, painfully free.

    Roz: [suggestively] You know, maybe if we both went into it 

         with our eyes open...?



They move closer together, and look into each other's eyes. 

They seem about to kiss, and then they break apart, laughing.



    Roz: Oh no, what am I saying?  My relationship with you is 

         probably the healthiest one I've ever had with a man!  

         I don't want to screw that up.

Frasier: Now that you mention it, my relationship with you is

         probably the best one I've ever had with a woman!

         [dejectedly] Not that it's been much of a horse race, but...



They sit at the dinner table.  She picks up a champagne glass.



    Roz: To friendship?

Frasier: [takes the other] Here's hoping the next time you tell 

         a man you love him, he says it back.



They clink glasses, and drink.



    Roz: Well, let's see.  I love you, Frasier.

Frasier: I love you too, Roz. [she laughs] You gonna be alright?

    Roz: Yeah.

Frasier: Well, I'd better run. [gets up]

    Roz: Yeah, my saying "I love you" seems to have that effect on

         men.

Frasier: No, no, I'll-I'll stay if you like!

    Roz: No, no.  Don't you worry about me.  I will not be alone.  

         I will be sliding into a hot tub with my good friends, 

         Ben & Jerry.

Frasier: See you tomorrow, Roz.

    Roz: See you, Frasier. 



She pats him on the back and he closes the door behind him.



We see both Frasier and Roz hesitating on their respective sides of the 

door, possibly wondering what being together would be like.  Then she realizes 

she hasn't heard him leave yet.  He catches himself and runs away as quickly as 

possible.



End Of Act Two.



Credits:



We see Roz in her bedroom-cum-living-room, packing all her bridesmaid dresses 

into a cardboard box. She does so determinedly and almost proudly, as if she 

were making a definitive break with her past.  Picking up the box, she brings it to 

the door and passes it to a delivery man outside, who in turn hands her a receipt 

of sorts. She closes the door with finality. 



We then see the delivery man standing outside Roz's apartment, holding the 

lime-green dress up from the box speculatively. 



The scene changes to a street pavement, and we see the same delivery man with 

the dress on, complete with make-up and long, curly red wig.  He walks proudly 

towards the screen as Roz walks by him, and as he disappears off-screen, she 

halts and turns, her mouth dropping open in recognition.

Guest Appearances

  

 Guest Starring

 MICHAEL MITZ as Ben

 

 Guest Callers

 DAVID DUCHOVNY as Tom 

Legal Stuff

 This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley and Shawne

 Wang. Shawne Wang transcribed this episode and Nick Hartley edited

 this transcript. This episode summary remains property of Frasier,

 Copyright of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without

 permission. Mike Lee revised this script.

Posted 7:05 PM by Blah blah

Writing Fiction Vs. Non-Fiction (Writing)

Cheshire Dave just wrote this great blog entry about his difficulty in writing fiction vs. non-fiction, about how he feels more a bent for essays rather than scripts. I feel the same way. I've never had much practice with scripts and writing drama and short stories. Essays and letters are my forte, as well as non-fiction journalism and reporting. I also went to Berkeley to see the play Cheshire wrote that was performed by the Impact Theatre.

I feel your pain, Cheshire. With all the unoriginal and boring blogs out there, all the overly serious and depressing ranting, I keep thinking of how to be more fresh, more personal without invading my friends' privacy, etc. I'm not as witty as Sarah and don't have as sexually dramatic a life as Anna.

Plus to write good fiction or comedy is damned hard. It takes meticulous crafting. It takes lots of heartburn, groaning, and hitting your head against the wall. It's like hanging from a bar over a rushing river. And I need more life experience. My life is dull. Too tame, too provincial. I haven't really "lived" yet. I've lived in the suburbs way too long. The characters I invent would be flat. Their dialogue would sound like "Raymond's guess at a redneck's patter" rather than feel like you were actually there. I realize my limitations.

I'm good at describing psychological motivations, internal turmoil. Like Dostoevsky in Crime and Punishment. But in recreating how people might talk at a party? I need work.

And comedy. If I had more comedic skill I'd flaunt it. I love comedy. My friends find me very funny, and I find my sense of humor works best one-on-one, in conversations and chats. If you read my chat records with people you may burst out laughing. But when I speak monologues here, I don't feel that give-and-take shows up.

Anyway, I want to try posting some TV or other scripts on here as a reference for myself. A way to study other people's talent. Maybe it will help my fictional writing. Let's start! These will be very long multi-part entries. You will enjoy them.

Please email me your thoughts about me and how well I do comedy or fiction.

Posted 6:39 PM by Blah blah

TV Networks Showing Less Reruns (Television)

TV economics is changing: Reruns get bad reception (USA Today): "In recent years, the network rerun has been slowly fading from the nation's TV screens.

This summer, more than ever, viewers will be able to click through at least 20 fresh series on the networks, from ABC following Roseanne as she cooks up a new show to the drama of Fox's Keen Eddie, about a New York City detective in London.

Truth is, not only do viewers hate reruns — some of television's top dramas lose more than half their audience in repeats — but the networks just can't afford to lose those viewers anymore:

• Cable has gained at networks' expense. For the first time, cable's combined audience outstripped the broadcast networks' last season, although cable has yet to catch up in prime time. The damage is particularly intense in the summer months: Nielsen figures show that while overall TV viewership declined only 8% to 10% last summer, the major networks lost 30% of their viewers and cable gained, says Steve Sternberg of media-buying firm Magna Global USA.

• Among the broadcast networks themselves, intense competition has left them less tolerant of the smaller audiences repeats increasingly deliver. Networks need a large base of viewers to successfully promote and launch their crucial fall lineups.

• Competition for viewers' attention, particularly the younger viewers advertisers seek, also has heated up with newer forms of entertainment, from video games and the Internet to DVDs — which, oddly enough, have become a new way to market reruns, as "collector's edition" box sets.

• And the recent boom in reality shows has demonstrated that the shows can win back those younger viewers from cable, making them ideal summer strategic weapons.

That's why this TV summer, which officially began last week with the end of the traditional September-to-May season, prompted an even earlier kickoff to what's shaping up as the largest concentration of original programming yet on the major networks."

Posted 10:51 AM by Blah blah

Bob Hope's 100th Birthday (Comedy)

Happy Birthday, Bob! The legendary comedian had his 100th birthday yesterday. He is in the Guinness Book of Records as "most honored entertainer in the world." I like his old "The Road" movies with Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour. He's also well-loved for entertaining U.S. troops during both World War II and the Vietnam War. He'd travel to the Philippines when Gen. MacArthur was there with Dorothy and others on his comedy team, in the humid midst of fighting, and get all the G.I.'s whistling and pounding their feet.

Interview with Bob Hope (1986), NPR.

Here's a great Library of Congress site about Bob Hope.

Transcript of a Hope radio show from the Hollywood Canteen, with its head, actress Bette Davis. She helped found the Hollywood Canteen in World War II to give soldiers free food and entertainment and a chance to meet stars.

Everything I Know About Selling I Learned from Bob Hope: "I was a script writer for Bob Hope and worked with him almost daily between 1977 and 1992 and during that time I observed him in countless situations doing what he knew best --- SELLING BOB HOPE."

From National Public Radio, check out Comedy College: Lessons in Laughter. Hosted by Steve Martin, Rita Rudner, Bob Newhart, and Lily Tomlin, "Comedy College is first and foremost a comedy show. It’s about the comedy. It’s about the unedited presentation of complete works: full episodes of old radio shows, entire live stage performances, and uninterrupted improvisational sketches and scripted routines." Under "Past Shows," you can hear several of the old masters' comedy routines over the Net.

Posted 9:35 PM by Blah blah

Flying Pear

From Eric, just noticed this cool blog by Pear, who's in China (I think). She posts many cool pix from her life in both China and Japan.

As usual, too much to say. Too much going on in my brain. No time to write. Use your imagination.

Posted 6:36 AM by Blah blah

Matrix Geeks: Pseudo-Deep (Entertainment)

Whoa. People on Gothamist are wasting way too much brain power analyzing The Matrix Reloaded (131 comments). Enough already. It's a badly written movie, ok? Why try to explain every little incoherent detail like it were scripture?

Not that it's not worth seeing. It is. But all that quasi-religious, philosophical bullshit? Excuse me while I read Plato and go eat an ice cream cone instead. With a real Spoon.

There's No Exit from the Matrix (NY Times): "The genius of the P.R. strategy was its exploitation of the original film's geeky cult status as a thinking kid's kung fu extravaganza. The Matrix Reloaded would not be just another bloated Hollywood sequel but instead would have the philosophical heft to fuel a new generation of metaphysical Web sites. And so every puff piece about the film has emphasized that its creators, the siblings Andy and Larry Wachowski, do not give interviews — as if behaving like Thomas Pynchon would give their movie the gravitas of Gravity's Rainbow."

The first Matrix would be great as a short story. The second as a comic book. But to treat its intellectual depth with the reverence you'd treat something as meaty as The Lord of the Rings novels---that's hogwash.

By the way, The Matrix Reloaded is being pirated online (BBC), using the file-sharing program BitTorrent, which has a faster download algorithm.

Posted 11:25 PM by Blah blah

Coming up: I've just joined the staff of a magazine. Will let you know soon which one.

Breakup Girl (Relationships)

Breakup Girl lives again! This is the BEST relationship advice website I've ever seen, past or present. Lynn Harris, the Manhattan comedian who writes Breakup Girl, is BACK after a two year absence. (Oprah Winfrey's Oxygen cable TV network bought Breakup Girl, then they DUMPED her.) I have seriously missed her. Breakup Girl's advice really changed me and taught me about relationships during the years I religiously read it.

Her site covers all possible relationship problems you can think of, besides murdering your spouse. :D She's wise, compassionate, and super funny. Breakup Girl is the best love advice writer, period.

Lynn Harris also wrote this article in Salon.com about the Soulmate Calculator.

Read more than three years of her advice! Read her funny but educational comics and Flash animations.

For love advice in the Philippines, check out the Dear Tita blog.

Posted 2:16 PM by Blah blah

Bay to Breakers Pix (Photos)

Patrick just posted his pictures from San Francisco's yearly Bay to Breakers race almost two weeks ago.

Sam also ran in the Bay to Breakers. He had a different view, full of the backs of naked guys.

Posted 8:10 AM by Blah blah

Eating AOL (Funny)

Just found a CD in my box of Honey Bunches of Oats this morning. It had the words "AOL Free Trial" on it. Does eating an AOL CD add to my recommended daily allowance of fiber and plastic? No matter. I got a knife and sliced up the disk, which now had a great stringy texture---better than those granola bumpy things. It was like I'd added old uncooked macaroni to my milk and bananas.

After I took a few bites, my teeth began to chatter. My head buzzed: "Bdrrrrrr....Dee-do-dee-duh-doot! WOOOOOOONNNGGG!" Yow---that's loud! I yanked on my ear trying to down the volume. "Blinnnng!" went the happy AOL chime as it logged in. "You've Got Mail," I found my lips saying.

Whenever I blinked, ads for the X10 Webcam popped up in my eyelids, followed by appeals for a free month of Netflix, a trailer for Jim Carrey's Bruce Almighty, and an offer to enlarge my breasts. I wrote down the toll-free number for the last one, since you never know...

I rolled my eyes down, scrolling through my mail, when another "Bling!" went off inside my skull. "ThumbSuckingGirl" wanted to chat with me.

"ASL?" she IMed.
"Uhh, hi Thumb!...who's this?"
"I asked u furst," she typed.
"This is weird. What do you want to talk about?"
"Wut? I dunno. Clay Aiken is a hottie. Wait. brb"
After she came back, I said: "Fine. I'm 90/M/Florida. I live in an old folks' home and this is my only contact with thumb sucking girls I ever get. I have one leg. They cut off the other one during the war. My only leg is all yellowed with saggy skin. When can we meet?" I said.
"I'm 15/F EWWWWWW. u r sic!!"

She blocked me.

I finished breakfast. I took my skull with both hands and jerked it up. "Goodbye!" my lips said. For a brief moment, Neo, Trinity, and I had been one.

Posted 9:32 AM by Blah blah

Salon.com: Havana Honey Stories (Journalism, sexy)

One more post before I go rollerblading this morning. Check out Alysia Vilar's sizzling stories in Salon.com, starting with Havana Honey. It's a new hot series in Salon Sex.

With four parts already published, Vilar talks about her life as a Cuban-American blonde who works as a prostitute in Cuba so she can afford to stay and find her father. Also talks about the whole seedy lifestyle of young girls there who must fuck to eat. The brutal economics of Cuba:

"There is a word, in fact, for women seeking out a rich boyfriend, either for marriage or regular remittances, and that word is jinetera. Spanish for 'jockey.' Jockeying boys and girls are the hopeful light of their supportive families. For to jockey is to dream of a successful future, to dream in a country that feels so bereft of hope, of promising careers, of stable relationships. It's also the only way for many to make dollars, in a country where lawyers earn $18 a month and a meal in a restaurant costs twice as much....

In actual time with Terence, I've earned about $2.85 an hour. Or, conversely, if you add up my sexual tricks (seven blow jobs; 11 tries at intercourse; two hand jobs; and public sex in the Jacuzzi on the rooftop of the Parque Central) it comes to about $22.85 per act.

A biochemist makes $13 per month.

Roach poison is $6 a bottle.

Band-Aids are not sold."