Posted 8:10 AM by Blah blah

Eating AOL (Funny)

Just found a CD in my box of Honey Bunches of Oats this morning. It had the words "AOL Free Trial" on it. Does eating an AOL CD add to my recommended daily allowance of fiber and plastic? No matter. I got a knife and sliced up the disk, which now had a great stringy texture---better than those granola bumpy things. It was like I'd added old uncooked macaroni to my milk and bananas.

After I took a few bites, my teeth began to chatter. My head buzzed: "Bdrrrrrr....Dee-do-dee-duh-doot! WOOOOOOONNNGGG!" Yow---that's loud! I yanked on my ear trying to down the volume. "Blinnnng!" went the happy AOL chime as it logged in. "You've Got Mail," I found my lips saying.

Whenever I blinked, ads for the X10 Webcam popped up in my eyelids, followed by appeals for a free month of Netflix, a trailer for Jim Carrey's Bruce Almighty, and an offer to enlarge my breasts. I wrote down the toll-free number for the last one, since you never know...

I rolled my eyes down, scrolling through my mail, when another "Bling!" went off inside my skull. "ThumbSuckingGirl" wanted to chat with me.

"ASL?" she IMed.
"Uhh, hi Thumb!...who's this?"
"I asked u furst," she typed.
"This is weird. What do you want to talk about?"
"Wut? I dunno. Clay Aiken is a hottie. Wait. brb"
After she came back, I said: "Fine. I'm 90/M/Florida. I live in an old folks' home and this is my only contact with thumb sucking girls I ever get. I have one leg. They cut off the other one during the war. My only leg is all yellowed with saggy skin. When can we meet?" I said.
"I'm 15/F EWWWWWW. u r sic!!"

She blocked me.

I finished breakfast. I took my skull with both hands and jerked it up. "Goodbye!" my lips said. For a brief moment, Neo, Trinity, and I had been one.