Posted 9:27 PM by fan777

Say Hi to Charlie!



nothing to win, and nothing left to lose...

because, baby, i've got a heart out in the dark. wanderlust and an itch in the soles of my shoes. walking in the rain yonder east in shadow and fog, oblivion my middle name, destined for nothing, to own nothing, to know nothing but my mind in a paper bag and a suitcase of notebooks. look for me, and you can't find me... i lean over the rooftops of morocco, smoke in one hand and a poem stuck in the pen between the cold fingers of the other, musing about the emptiness in this lunar world. bleak landscapes and a desert wind shivers me to dreaming.

and you give yourself away...

find me down the cobbled streets of london, paris, rome. the waterways of italy, canals and poling gondolas, touching the shores of greece and stepping into worlds far afar from here. singing into sunsets, drunk on wine and careless abandon... i've lived long enough to know that i don't care anymore. take a stroll down the lighted boulevard, black thrush night like the wings of raven, i'm out i'm out and maybe, maybe, someday, i'll miss home, i'll miss home, and i'll come walking back...

with or without you...

because i don't know where i stand in the world and i'm out to find out. to know that i own nothing but a mind and a suitcase filled with notebooks, to come back knowing afar and to come back to know home and where my heart lay after all these years. the dusts and the webs, in attics or cupboards or bookshelves.

a dark that follows but isn't my shadow.

call me fool but i'm different from you. wide eyes and a complacency for normalcy, take your time but i'm not ready yet to pause between those steps. this fire that burns in, slow to anger and slow to simmer, a starship soul tied to a wide green harbor full of dismal anchors, a life of regret and mistakes, and mistakes and regrets, looking back too often, trying to undo yesterday, trying to be this object unattained, trying to... breathe.

will i forever be a puppet learning to walk your ways, this way, that way...

i'm walking on my own.

Posted 7:25 PM by Anonymous

Things that a Man Should Know About a Woman. Esquire Online

#2. Never ask a woman why she's mad at you, as she will only get madder at your not knowing.

My commentary: very true.

Posted 7:22 PM by Anonymous

Hiatus, yeah right.

Erm, listen up. *trumpet* More from the planet[s] of MARS and VENUS...presenting the 1st 'thing' from Esquire's list on "THINGS THAT A MAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT A WOMAN."

#1. Most women do not like ice fishing, golf, bowling, or poker, which is why every man must take up at least one of these hobbies, because, while unin-teresting, they allow for the woman-free consumption of liquor and the unfettered discussion of, you know, women.Those few women who do like ice fishing, golf, bowling, or poker are the reason God invented the Elks club.

My commentary: Hardy har har. Pass the beer boys.

Posted 5:44 PM by Blah blah

My Birthday

Everyone, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your birthday wishes (including your RBJ ones).

I am old enough to crawl back in my crib and drool on my thumb now.

My RBJ response:

I am all CHOKED UP, guys, especially now that Carlos is singing to me in the Filipino style of Marilyn Monroe!

-First, Grace, thank you for your kind wishes and encouragement. When will we ever get to see your OTHER eye in your avatar?
-Sophia, I just had a nice lunch with my parents. Warm wishes to you and Kris Kris Kris. We should call him "Triple K."
-To fellow notorious flirt, Gongju Key, *wink wink*, from Gochu.
-Julienne, whoa, who is that masked lady? *Hugs*
-Syclick, I'm old enough to be an OPPA now. Wait---is a girl OPPA called an OMMA?
-Danny, stop flirting with me the rest of the year please. Today it's fine! *wink* Thank you for showing me how I look bald.
-Larz, thank you "maen." You're funny.
-To fellow Libra, Iris, Happy recent Birthday to you too! We Libras gotta stick together. I'm proud to be a Libran, as long as people don't confuse that with "librarian."
-Ben, nice colors! Beautiful new design, by the way. Thank you for being supportive. I need to learn some photography from you, man.
-Chris, thank you for being such a cool guy! Next time I go to SF or we have a chance to meet, I'll call you in advance!
-Corine, I had fun just writing this long reponse! Thanks for being soooo...TEASABLE.
-Cameron, I never watch that show, but I will try to imagine I'm Ray Romano when someone doesn't laugh at my jokes.
-Shway, I'm perfectly open to seeing that "naked Asian man" privately, after hours. As long as it's not someone I know.
-Miyu, nice to see you again! How's your dancing? Make sure to give me your autograph now, when I can still afford it.
-Brian, thanks.

WHEW, it's like I just signed all of your high school yearbooks! I have such fun reading and talking to you, learning about sex from Danny, etc. that all my lost income and missed dates have been worth it.

Posted 6:05 AM by e*star

This needs no commentary...other than I can't believe anybody could even think about manufacturing anything like this:

Martial Arts Costume

*e

Posted 3:17 PM by Blah blah

Hi everyone, I'm going on hiatus indefinitely. Have a lot of things to get done. Today, I talked to this guy in SF who gave me a TON of career ideas. He runs his own marketing consulting company. He talked EXTREMELY fast and was a baby factory of creativity.

By the way, a few weeks ago I produced and directed two more tapings of our political TV talk show. Our first guest was Elaine, this business lawyer who's the Democratic candidate for Congress for the 11th District. The election is next month! Second guest: Rosemary, a Mountain View City Councilwoman and former candidate for the California State Assembly. She came to discuss her trip to Afghanistan (see her photos) this May as part of a delegation of Afghan-Americans working on the country's post-war reconstruction. She met Afghani President Karzai. For both shows, we used Dolly as our host. She's a Cupertino City Councilwoman and former board member of the DeAnza-Foothill College District. She did an excellent job. We shot in DVCAM and used a round table and two mugs of water for the guests, with a black background. Our show looked very similar to Charlie Rose, my talk show idol.

Both Elaine's campaign manager in Pleasanton and the TV station in Morgan Hill (in her district) confirmed this week that they had received the completed tapes I mailed them. The interview will air in Morgan Hill on Oct. 19, once in the morning and once at night.

Got a letter from my old college friend Takuro this week. He studied philosophy at Berkeley and later the University of London. I described him here. He started a publishing company back home in Niigata, Japan called Taiyo Shobo. He writes:

I published a heavy literature, Siddhartha [Japanese title: Descendant of the Sun] last July, and now I'm writing a new novel, which is about Uesugi Kenshin, a samurai prince in Japan about 550 years ago.

I'm also reading novels by John Updike and Ken Ishiguro. Especially, I like the style of Updike, which has the real/rich taste of serious literature....

[For the novel I wrote, Siddhartha,] I am using a pseudonym, "Ryutaro Mizuno." As you would guess, the novel is about the historical figure Gautama Siddhartha [Buddha]. It is the first novel written about Siddhartha in the history of Japanese literature.

Congratulations, Takuro-san! Gambatte kudasai! I hope your novel becomes famous. In college, he asked me for help on his English essays! I remember we argued all night over one of his papers. Imagine that.

For Tiger Cafe, I've recruited two new, good writers. One girl and one guy. Both have been busy or unavailable to write. I will let them introduce themselves to you. Go ahead, you two.

My birthday is this Friday the 18th! See ya soon!

Posted 12:50 AM by e*star

Real World Vegas Commentary...And More

so i've been watching the real world vegas on mtv. is anybody else watching? is this not the most scandalous real world ever? is it me, or is it as the real world seasons get more and more successive, the IQ decreases while the drama factor itself increases exponentially? there are no overweight people, they all have great bodies and are all great-looking, which in and of itself aren't horrible things, but the only thing remotely intriguing about these people is that they all have great drama-causing potential. remember the seasons of the first new york? the first san francisco? like pedro...he is a legacy. the real world peeps now are all drama queens.

or, am i just old?

so brynn threw a freaking fork at steve. w00t. so brynn finally admits that she's an ass to steve because she likes him. and she had trouble expressing her emotions to him and the whole time she's been jealous of trishelle so therefore...she threw a fork at him. how juvenile.

dieselgrrrrl: i'm watching real world
Scoobie329: me too
Scoobie329: what a pimp
Scoobie329: i want 2 girls fighting over me
dieselgrrrrl: lol
Scoobie329: steve is a pimp
Scoobie329: is he even good loooking?
Scoobie329: i can't tell
dieselgrrrrl: who's the other girl
dieselgrrrrl: i don't know steve i don't watch it
Scoobie329: trichelle and brynn...
Scoobie329: steve is the one arguing right now
dieselgrrrrl: oh yah
dieselgrrrrl: i thought you were still talking about smallville
Scoobie329: LOL!
Scoobie329: in smallvillle
Scoobie329: there's two girls also
Scoobie329: lana and chloe!
dieselgrrrrl: oh i see
Scoobie329: brynn's a baby!
dieselgrrrrl: yah
dieselgrrrrl: she's emotionally a wreck
dieselgrrrrl: she can't handle her feelings
Scoobie329: she's an "attention monger"
dieselgrrrrl: lol
Scoobie329: or whatever you call it
dieselgrrrrl: are you making fun of me!
Scoobie329: no no
Scoobie329: it's true
dieselgrrrrl: haha okay
dieselgrrrrl: you know her whole bi- and "i make out with girls" thing?
dieselgrrrrl: it's because she wants attention from guys
Scoobie329: yes
Scoobie329: and she's on TV also
Scoobie329: so it's double the fun
Scoobie329: for her
dieselgrrrrl: because guys like the girl on girl thing
dieselgrrrrl: honestly i think a lot of girls are like that
dieselgrrrrl: when they dance w/say, other girls at a club
dieselgrrrrl: all grinding and stuff
dieselgrrrrl: they're attention whores
Scoobie329: wow. i wanan grind
Scoobie329: haha
dieselgrrrrl: lol you're disqualified
Scoobie329: i see your point
dieselgrrrrl: bc you're a guy
Scoobie329: yah
Scoobie329: so true
dieselgrrrrl: and grinding with a guy means other guys don't wanna watch
Scoobie329: true true
Scoobie329: so i should find a girl who doesn't do that
dieselgrrrrl: so why have the attn of 1 guy when you can have all guys in the club
dieselgrrrrl: watching you
Scoobie329: b/c it shows she needs attention
dieselgrrrrl: yah
Scoobie329: yes
Scoobie329: i see your point now
Scoobie329: hmmm
dieselgrrrrl: haha yah find a girl who wants only yours!
dieselgrrrrl: bc if she likes the attn of as many guys as possible it just introduces problems later on in the relationship
Scoobie329: yes. agreed.
dieselgrrrrl: insecurity is the worst thing to have in a relationship, they start picking fights and shite
Scoobie329: and she's prolly "low maintenance" also
dieselgrrrrl: yah totally
dieselgrrrrl: she doesn't need excessive proof that you care for her
dieselgrrrrl: like monetary too--gifts and roses all the time and shite

so in the end, steve gets to decide whether or not brynn has to leave the house since he's the one who got assaulted. during his whole confessional during this ordeal, he mentions that brynn reminds him of what he was going through (e.g. emotional trauma and jealousy) when he was 18-19. i mean, as if steve was even really that much more emotionally and intellectually superior to brynn. he's the one who hooked up with a roommate (trishelle) in front of his other roommate, who was obviously into her from the beginning. while drunk. i HATE people using "i'm drunk" as justification for stupid behavior. such a cop-out and default for the inability to take responsibility for stupid actions.

i can only get started on trishelle, the "sweet girl" from the south who suddenly started acting all "loose" once she got on the real world. she's led that poor, shy guy on(i forgot his name) like she liked him...and then she hooks up with steve. and then she also hooks up with eric from road rules when they had their road rules/real world challenge? yeah, you know it--it's because her dad never gave her his approval. in my opinion, it totally reflects a trend with some girls these days, in my opinion... girls who seek approval and even just mere attention from guys(even the worst kind--only bodily attraction) because they were never emotionally nurtured at a young age. combined with our secondary place in society, women sometimes end up craving it their whole lives, thinking that a male's attention gives them worth.


but i'm not one to judge. hee hee. but, this brings me to like, an important point with how i've been cold-calling with people today. mind you, today was my first day cold-calling. hey, i'm a broker and i admit it. it's part of my business and my vestige in my future income. anyway, this whole time i've been doing my pitch to the men in the household. i would get both names of the husband and wife under the same telephone number in the high wealth section of the directory and lo and behold, because it was inferred that i do this during this past week and a half of training, i would ask for the male counterpart of the household. perhaps it was all in my imagination, and i'm not really as immune to the subtle sexual inequalities of life as it seems. i'm pitching bonds, a financial investment. who am i, as a woman, to even participate in surpassing the wife, the female counterpart in the household, to pitch a financial investment to the "man of the household"? after talking to a veteran broker, i realized...this is how society is. i learned my pitch from men. part of the pitch was to talk to the "man of the household". other men can do this, because wives will accept being passed over when being prospected or being pitched on anything.

then, i realized, not i. i won't follow suit. that won't be me, and my strategy will be different. far be it from me to fail to realize, i, as another woman, can't get away with it like they can. **why should** women let another woman by-pass them, going straight to the husband, anyway? (not to mention, that if they are elderly/retired, what can the wife do except assume i am selling something?) anyhoo. i will use it to my advantage as much as possible. i will "pitch the bitch" (thank you, Boiler Room) and i will make women my niche market. i will make them comfortable because i am a fellow female...and all at the same time, i am uniform with my feminist beliefs.

heh. now, on to more cold-calling in absolute volumes. what is quite interesting is that it is not as painful as i expected it to be. don't get me wrong--it's brutal. but, i am absolutely sure i am here to stay and make the most of it. it's all part of the job, i guess (mind you, i am saying all of this quite early in the game).

*e

Posted 9:57 PM by Blah blah

Have a slight fever. Am not feeling myself recently. My right shoulder and elbow still hurt, though not as much as yesterday. Arrgh.

Another thing I dislike: VERY shy girls. Timid girls. Passive girls who usually wait for the guy to make the first move. Double arrgh. Slightly shy is fine---I can deal with that. Usually my shy friends DON'T act shy with me. They will usually be acting loud and crazily with me, then later say: "By the way, I'm shy. I usually don't talk to strangers." Those kinds of girls---ones who are shy with strangers but NOT shy with me---I can work with them.

But those who are insecure and can't show some guts when they talk to or deal with me, no thanks. I dated someone like that from Singapore once. Total disaster.
_________________
10/16 Followup Whew! Feel better today, with less of a headache. Whoa, so many people responded. Before I turn off half of the people reading this blog, let me explain.

To Kiki:

I'm being honest. It's tremendously frustrating to have to pull actions and words from very shy girls. I've dealt with a lot of girls like that and get fed up.

To Rasee:

Friends are different from dating. I don't think you're timid when you talk to people and express yourself. You talk a tremendous amount online. You sing in a MUSICAL, for heaven's sake. You interview people for a magazine. You teach! All non-shy activities.

I'm talking about people who lack much self-confidence. Who never speak up. Your kind of shy is the first type I mentioned. By nature you are introverted, which is great for writing your lyrical poetry, for your perceptive insights. When I write I'm in a more introverted mood too.

In college I had a lot of friends from Japan, and you know Japan has some of the shiest people on earth. But they felt comfortable opening up to me and didn't act that shy in my view. I HAVE several shy friends and get along well with shy people. I try to support and encourage them. And slight shyness---coyness---is attractive. Moderate shyness is attractive.

I have a problem with brazen girls, ENTJ bossy girls, or girls who are totally in-your-face. That's too much the other direction.

To Corine:

I understand most Asian girls are shier. My problem is AFTER that getting-to-know you stage is over. If they still act very tentative, very reluctant to talk, don't return emails, don't return phone calls, etc---that annoys me. I can be VERY patient, waiting for a girl. In the past, I've waited YEARS. Yeah, years. Not usually, but I could be that way. Everyone has his limits.

To Thea:

Good for you that you are arranging a social meeting! That's a first step out of the biology lab. Remember we talked before about this? I'm a guy who loves good conversation. Give and take. Feedback. A woman with her own opinions. If I hear nothing back, that's not my type.

To "intractable" Belle:

Great poem on virginity, by the way! I enjoyed it. Yes, you seem very traditional Filipina. Good that you are not timid. There's a difference between timidity and shyness, and I'd say timidity (e.g. being fearful of many things) is worse to me.

On making the first move, I am perfectly comfortable with me doing that. I'm the type of person who prefers to talk on the phone rather than chat or email. I don't mind doing most of the calling, and I tend to do that anyway. I'm talking about AFTER the initial ice is broken, after we already know each other. If she never calls you first. Never writes first. Always waits for the guy to initiate. Doesn't have ideas for things to do when we go out. No thanks. I like someone more aggressive, with courage.

To spunky Mira:

Haha! You be funny yourself! :D I don't think of you as shy. I think you have a lot of passion bubbling underneath. So acting shy for you is a way to tell a guy "you don't have a chance"? "A bee to honey"...you must strike fast, like a cobra. Boy, I'd like to see a video of that!

Some other stuff I wrote about shyness:

- I must be a soft pillow for shy people
- Advantages of being shy

Posted 5:54 PM by Anonymous

So today I was lucky enough to be able to go swimming without having my soap stolen. In case you're an avid reader of my personal blog, you may have been able to deduct that this has been a problem. I've only been at school for about four weeks, and I've already had two bottles of Dr. Bronner's stolen from my bag in the locker room while I was in the pool. Isn't that ridiculous? Anyways, I am heartened by today's experiences. Also today at the pool, the lifeguard told me that I swim like a Chinese person. Apparently she went to China for a swimming trip this summer and the swim coaches there tell people to swim like I do, kind of open-armed. Weird, huh?

So yesterday I went to see a debate on the war - whether it was morally justified - between a features editor at the Wall Street Journal, Max Boot, and Princeton professor and editor of The Nation, Richard Falk. It was an interesting debate and all, but the noteworthy event of the evening took place afterwards as my anti-war cohorts and I were passing out fliers and holding signs by the exit. I was asking my fellow pacifists how you pronounced this other girl's name - Thienny. I suspect that Thienny is Vietnamese, but I'm not sure, and anyways, I couldn't remember how to pronounce her name. Even if her name was Chinese, people have different preferences as to how they like Chinese words pronunced in English. Right? Anyways, I was asking around and this one girl responds, "Wait, shouldn't you know?"

I kind of stared at her for a minute to give her a chance to explain herself but she didn't, so I responded, "Why? Because I'm Asian?" And she says, "Yeah!" Then I had a short rant about how she's white, shouldn't she know how to speak German and Flemish and Russian?! She justified her response by explaining that in her school, "all the Asians were like that". Like what? They knew how to speak every other Asian language? I don't get it. Anyways, that's my small outrage of the week.

Posted 12:08 PM by Blah blah

Which One am I?

On RBJ, Kiki posted a ton of pix of her and friends at a party in Bangkok. She asked people to guess which one was she.

She's the one who keeps hugging the girl in the red T-shirt. She keeps sticking her tongue out.

First try, I got it right.

S X (our old cowriter) did the same to me. She sent me a group pic and I picked her out right away.

*Blowing my knuckles* NEXT!

Posted 8:06 PM by Blah blah

I'm feeling sick today, guys. I pressed ice on my elbow and shoulder, because they are inflamed and in sharp pain. Hard to lift my arm. Going to bed early. In the meantime, look at our new index, The Best of Tiger Cafe.

I think I've said everything I've needed to say about love, don't ya think? I should start talking about stuff people never talk about on blogs, like how to clean bathroom tile.

Posted 2:12 PM by Blah blah

On TV advertising. The Myth of '18 to 34' (NY Times):
_________________
But if you consider that a TV network's true audience is advertisers, then you're on your way to understanding why Tuesday night is, in fact, a big moneymaker for the WB. The network more than makes up for its abysmal ratings by charging an inflated ad rate for those few viewers its shows manage to attract. A 30-second commercial spot on ''Gilmore Girls'' costs about $82,000 -- nearly threequarters of the fee for advertising on an episode of, say, ''Law and Order: SVU,'' an NBC program that regularly has about three times the number of viewers. The WB gets away with this because its overall ratings, poor as they appear, were up 5 percent in the 18-to-34-year-old category last season, and while ''Gilmore Girls'' may be among the least-watched series on television, it's also No. 2 in its time slot among viewers aged 18 to 34.

Eighteen to thirty-four: for decades, conventional advertising wisdom has attached the adjective ''coveted'' to this slice of the viewing audience. According to an analysis by the former NBC News president Lawrence K. Grossman, advertisers pay an average of $23.54 to reach 1,000 viewers in that age bracket, versus $9.57 per 1,000 over the age of 35. And since commercial television, whatever else it may be, is fundamentally a system for delivering audiences to advertisers, network executives lose a lot of sleep trying to figure out what will hold fast the slippery attention of people in their late teens, 20's and early 30's. It is, as it has been for 40 years, the principle by which a great deal of our popular culture -- not just TV, but music, movies, radio -- comes into existence.

The odd thing is, there's no real reason for it anymore.

People over the age of 50 account for half of all the discretionary spending in the United States. Proportionally speaking, there are more of them than there ever were, and they are voracious cultural consumers. They watch more television, go to more movies and buy more CD's than young people do. Yet Americans over 50 are the focus of less than 10 percent of the advertising....

And what of the theory of brand loyalty -- the idea that winning over the young consumer means winning him or her over for life? There the big change has come about not so much in the young but in the old. The baby-boom generation, raised in front of the TV, just never became brand-loyal in the way their parents were. Everyone is pretty malleable these days: 67 percent of female heads of household between 18 and 34 were willing, in a Nielsen study, to try a new brand even if it went against their customary buying habits; the corresponding number in the 35-to-64 age bracket was 70 percent.

Even the argument that most pop culture is for young people because young people consume the most pop culture has begun to fall apart. ESPN's highly promoted X Games, a kind of ''alternative'' Olympics featuring skateboarders, BMXers and the like (referred to by The Wall Street Journal as ''the Holy Grail of youth marketing'') was outperformed this summer on the network's primary channel by the bargain-basement Great Outdoor Games, a decidedly non-youth-oriented event featuring lumberjack contests and the talents of various sporting dogs. Over the last decade, the proportion of the national moviegoing audience between the ages of 50 and 59 doubled, while the proportion of teenagers shrank steadily. The percentage of CD's sold to consumers over 45 doubled as well.

And yet the romanticization of youth persists: the adjective ''coveted'' has been joined by the phrase ''hard to reach'' as a justification for the premium advertisers continue to pay to speak to the 18-to-34 crowd. Put aside for the moment the fact that these so-called hard-to-reach young adults spend an awful lot of time with the TV on -- men between 18 and 24 watch more than 20 hours a week, according to the Nielsen people; put aside the fact that those young X Games rebels come plastered head to toe with corporate logos. What logic suggests that, because there are proportionally fewer young people than there used to be, because they have less money than they used to and because it's harder to separate them from that money than ever, advertisers should spend more money trying to court them? It would make as much sense to say that advertisers really ought to pay top dollar for viewers who don't have any spending money at all.

Posted 6:03 PM by Anonymous

An Online Love Story - [ Written on March 29, 2001, but never uploaded. ]

"You have a soft spot for me and you probably always will."

I still love him. I'm not surprised that I do, but I haven't admitted it to myself for a long time. I can't even remember the last time we said "I love you." I remember the first time, though. It was May 23 of last year, in the middle of the afternoon for me, the middle of the night for him. He was a little drunk that night and we were negotiating how much longer he could stay online. "Sixty minutes if you come to bed with me," he said. I wasn't aware of how much I loved him because online relationships are very dangerous things sometimes when you put so much on the line and I knew, from the first moment I talked to him, that I would give him everything. That afternoon in the middle of last year, ten days after we first met, one of the best people I have ever known told me that he loved me.

Here's the story--one that I have never been able to retell in complete detail.

We met in Cas, the chatroom that had become a virtual home to me during my time off from school. I had seen his nickname floating around, but was never introduced to him and I was safe in a group of friends I became quite comfortable with so I didn't venture out of the circle much. On May 13 I had decided to stop chatting because it was becoming not only a habit, but too dramatic for my taste. I dropped by that night to say good-bye to Carolyn, a friend that had been there for me through some bad situations. There were only a few people in the room that night and Caro introduced me to him. He said my name even before she had told him. I was surprised, to say the least. I would later find out that he had watched me over the two months I had been chatting in Cas.

We talked in private that night, while he got ready for work. He emailed me two stories--one of his relationship with an ex-girlfriend and the other an articulation of thoughts. I still have both emails. He was so still, like water on a windless night. There was such depth to him and I was afraid he'd think me immature because of how bouncy I usually was in the room. He stilled me. All my chaotic thoughts and feelings would instantly calm themselves down when I talked to him and that is still how he affects me. I knew there was something between us, but I was so sure I would be able to keep it from becoming more. He told me a couple of weeks later that he too knew that he would come to love me.

He and I spent hours on ICQ each morning and night. I woke up to him and went to bed with him being the last person I talked to. It was the same for him. I would spend time with him after he woke up and got dressed for work, and again when he came back in the evening. Often I talked to him until he fell asleep. We played virtual games with each other in Cas, exchanged voice files, looked at motorcycles, and talked about everything under the sun. After the first time I mentioned him in my journal and after I had given him the URL to it, his newest nickname was "tellment amour." It meant "so much love." French was a little thing we shared, whether to converse or for me to leave him messages in my entries or to say "I love you."

How do I describe that Virgo I fell in love with? He was mature and his patience and serenity provided me so much strength. He was intelligent and had answers to all my questions. He was sarcastic, a trait that sometimes made me laugh and other times made me want to hit him over the head. He was sexy as hell and when he was turned on or when he wanted me, I would ache for him in a way I had never known I could feel for another person. He was quiet. He was funny. He was kind. He was passionate. He was complicated. He was depressive. He lived in the past, but for a few months he was with me as we tried to make a future possible for us. He was, and still is, one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I don't think I will ever feel differently.

We had three wonderful months. I didn't have a single complaint about the relationship, except the distance, of course. Conversation between us was never dull. Sometimes we were quiet, sometimes we playfully argued, sometimes we teased, sometimes we romanced, sometimes we just talked about regular things. It never got old for me. I could sit in front of the computer for hours, knowing he was on the other side of the screen. He completed me. Or maybe it was my love for him that filled a void I never even knew existed inside me. That was the best part about our relationship--everything was unexpected and nothing was in our control. He didn't want to fall for someone who lived on the other side of the planet. Neither did I. But it happened.

We fought for the first time about people who had begun to pick up on our relationship. It freaked him out that a relationship so fragile and young was under speculation and he simply stopped talking to me. We're both very stubborn people and we distance ourselves from the object of our affection if we've been hurt. I learnt that about him quickly. We worked it out the next day, but it was very slow because we're both not very scared of getting hurt and we were careful to return to the relationship slowly. He had a unique way of getting back in my good graces. He would tease me and cajole me into smiling, and then he would apologize and we would talk. We had rough moments that were made rougher by our respective habits, but we got over each obstacle quickly and safely.

July 31st was when the journal went on hiatus last. Something was very wrong. He was becoming depressed and withdrawn, and it was much more serious than anything I'd witnessed. And it wasn't going away. He did, though. He disappeared and I freaked out to the extreme. I cried all day that day and more with each passing day. I knew something was very wrong. We fought again. He said, "fuck you" when I questioned him as to the status of our relationship. I didn't react. He was trying to make me hate him so he could take the blame for the end of the relationship and just walk away. I was not going to let him do that. We started coming back to each other again. We still exchanged "I love you's." and we talked on a somewhat regular basis, but things had definitely changed. I was in school a lot and he was not online.

A final email in September brought about a talk. "I can't do this anymore. I can't be your everything." And that was the end of us. I felt likea part of me had died. It took me the rest of the year to slowly piece my life back together. We talked off and on when we saw each other. It took a long while before the reasons of our "break up" became clear. I think it was December 1 that made us talk again. I wrote an entry about "hating men" and he took it to mean I hated him. We talked and talked about the end of our relationship and I told him I loved him. I was sorry if it was a damn burden, but if he was going to read my journal he should learn to just deal with how I feel. Or don't read it. Just don't make assumptions about how I feel because he once knew me better than anyone and he was suddenly becoming a stranger.

We met online today. He called me a pervert. :)

We've talked a few times this year, conversations that are light and more fun than anything. Each time is hard because I know we're in the "just friends" stage and yet he evokes the same feelings in me that he did when I first met him. There's no one quite like him and I know that I am still very much in love with him. I have never regretted the way I feel for him. He is a wonderful person who I was lucky enough to meet and love, and to have been loved by him was pure magic. For a while I thought that I would not enter another relationship if it didn't make me feel the way he did, but I don't think there is a person that will celebrate me the way that boy did. And that's okay because I don't want a duplicate of him. He is so beautiful the way he is and I'd rather believe that he is as unique as they come.

I love him so much. As I sit here and think of him, tears fill my eyes because the loss, though not as vivid as it was, is still there. I know I'm missing a part of myself and I know he has it. This entry isn't going to be uploaded because I don't want him to read it and I don't want anyone to realize just how vulnerable I am when it comes to this person.

I fell in love for the first time at nineteen with a boy I had never met.

From a recent conversation:
"Sometimes it's hard "talking" to you because I feel as if I've messed up your life, yet we've never actually met."
"Oh my goodness. You did not mess up my life. You made it so much better. You made *me* so much better."
"Yet I caused you much pain."
"I'm here, aren't I? I'm okay. Heartbreak doesn't kill. You are an amazing person and I still feel so blessed that we had what we did, even with how it ended. How could it have ended differently?"

Posted 7:48 AM by Blah blah

My Favorite Journal Entries!

I finally did it! Here is

***The Best of Tiger Cafe***

Cheshire mentioned it was hard to find old entries because I write too much.

Well it was a HUGE, godawful pain, but I finally made a page of my favorite journal entries from Tiger Cafe. Please leave comments here. I'm thinking of organizing them in different ways (by author, by type of entry---romantic, funny, etc. If I ever have time.) What do you think? And please title your entries. It makes it easier for us to sort and index them.
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Unica Hija: "pms folks. the infamous irregular period hasn't arrived yet and i'm feeling out of it. goddamn you egg, there is no sperm coming to fertilize you so get out get out get out!!!"

I've added this link of Yummy Women to my Entertainment Links below. Quick loading, fashionable, and oh soooo yummmmy gorgeous!

I must take a long break from writing. I've said all that needs to be said already. Just looking back made me exhausted. It was hard to really say which were the "best" because we had so many great entries!

Posted 6:58 AM by Blah blah

Classical music: Why bother? (Salon.com): "A composer and Harvard professor wonders whether his craft has been left behind by a world with no patience for Great Art."

Readers reply to this article.

Great, perceptive article. My classical music background: I played violin on and off from about 7 to 16 years old. Went through a list of teachers. Highest I got was first violin in my city's junior chamber orchestra. I also played accordion, a funny and hugely fun instrument good for polka dancing, waltzes, and working out your chest muscles. After that I stopped both and tried only singing.

Posted 2:46 AM by Blah blah

Keep Out Telemarketers

with the TeleZapper. It emits a tone that tries to fool the telemarketer's computer dialer into thinking your line is out of service.

Black Boxes Help Consumers Zap Telemarketers.

I must get at least 2 calls a day from goddamned telemarketers. Before I used to be patient, but now I say "no" quickly and hang up. Starting this week I'm not even gonna say anything. Out of patience. "Click."