Posted 1:07 PM by Blah blah

Bad Listener (Relationships)

By Edie, who writes a fantastic blog about her dating efforts in New York City:

"[H]e proceeded to send me a six-page email message, in which he detailed an excruciatingly funny episode in his life as an orchestra player. Every word of the six-page email message seemed painstakingly chosen in order to deliver the maximum comic impact. His language, indeed, was funnier than was the actual incident itself. On one hand, I certainly appreciated the sense of humor he obviously possessed, but on the other hand, the length and the machine-gun like onslaught of high-larity made the message seem somehow stilted and forced. But I could hardly hold that against him. He was sweetly trying hard. But the note also ignored the fact that the audience was only one person. It might as well have been for a stadium’s worth of people because it overlooked the small reality of my existence. In my response to him, I of course gave information about myself, but it would have been nice had he exhibited a little more interest in me, by say, proposing a few queries. He never did find out that this musical instrument was something I also had played."

What you wrote, Edie, really struck me and reminded me of some people. Some who seem witty and fascinating seem to do it as a rehearsed speech for the crowd instead of a spontaneous reaction to you and what you have just said.

Hear hear. I think the best listeners are those who can tell what you MEANT, more eloquently than you could express it, and not judge you by the literal (incoherent) words you SAID.

I used to date someone like this in college. Talking to her was sheer heaven. I come from a family where people don't listen well, where they talk AT each other instead of TO each other, and where people must shout to be noticed. When I first visited this girl, she actually shut off her TV when I started talking, and she really listened.

I was in deep shock and fell for her like that.