Posted 8:13 AM by Blah blah

From Mira:

"The Narrative Logic of the Romance

1. The heroine’s social identity is thrown into question.
2. The heroine reacts antagonistically to an aristocrat male.
3. The aristocrat male responds ambiguously to the heroine.
4. The heroine interprets the behaviour as evidence of a purely sexual interest in her.
5. The heroine responds to the hero’s behaviour with anger or coldness.
6. The hero retaliates by punishing the heroine.
7. The heroine and hero are physically and/or emotionally separated.
8. The hero treats the heroine tenderly.
9. The heroine responds warmly to the hero’s acts of tenderness.
10. The heroine reinterprets the hero’s ambiguous behaviour as the product of previous hurt.
11. The hero proposes to/openly declares his love for/demonstrates his unwavering commitment to the heroine with a supreme act of tenderness.
12. The heroine responds sexually and emotionally to the hero.
13. The heroine’s identity is restored.

Janice Radway, Reading the Romance: Women, Patriarchy and Popular Literature.

Like, I’ve always been stuck at no. 4 yo. O.k. I exaggerate. Twice, I made it to 12, then lost a turn, stepped back 8 spaces and landed at no. 4 again."

This sounds just like the plot of Pride and Prejudice. In other words, why acting warm, then cold, then warm to women will get you some chicks. Or acting like a prick, then like a recovering prick, gains you the sympathy of certain women who want to nurse and reform you. Some women seek this drama and lap it up. If a "nice guy" is too straightforwardly nice to her, with no edge, no hint of menace, and no danger of separation, she gets bored.

One of my friends, a very independent and capable woman in her 30s, has been down this road with her big jerk boyfriend. I told her she's infected big time with the "Florence Nightingale" complex---wanting to be the savior of "bad boys." She was really surprised. (See Women – Why do they put up with abuse?)

This pattern works in novels and movies, but in real life, I find it unhealthy. If you look at abusive relationships, you find many unglamourous similarities to Mira's list. Please read this carefully if you think you may be in an abusive relationship, or if you feel you have a personality that invites abuse:

- Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships
- About Abusive Relationships
- Healthy Vs. Abusive: What's the Difference?
- Effects of Abuse

Last year I volunteered at HomeSafe, helping take care of the children of battered women. I was one of a few men volunteering. This is a group of apartments next to Santa Clara University, made to temporarily house women and their kids after the women have run away from their abusive husbands or boyfriends. (By the way, MEN can be victims of abuse too. San Francisco holds one of the few centers in the U.S. that houses abused men.) We had to take 19 hours of training before we could volunteer, studying things like the infamous "Cycle of Violence."

The Cycle of Violence and Abuse:

1. THE TENSION-BUILDING PERIOD: This is usually the longest period of the cycle.

THE ABUSER MAY:

- be moody, sullen, faultfinding and very critical.
- withdraw affection
- isolate partner
- belittle partner
- drink and/or take drugs
- make threats
- destroy partner's personal property
- engage in inconsistent and "crazy-making" behavior

THE VICTIM MAY:

- attempt to keep partner calm and placate partner
- become overly accommodating, agreeable, solicitous and nurturing
- become silent, or overly-talkative
- withdraw from, and avoid, family and friends
- try to keep the kids quiet and "out of the way"
- constantly feel as if she is "walking on eggshells"

2. VIOLENT OR ABUSIVE INCIDENT: This is usually the briefest period of the cycle.

THE ABUSER MAY:

- beat partner, often severely
- rape partner
- attack partner with weapon
- isolate partner from family and friends
- imprison partner
- become extremely verbally abusive
- humiliate and degrade partner, often publicly

THE VICTIM MAY:

- protect herself any way she can
- attempt to calm abuser down
- try to reason with abuser
- call the police
- fight back
- leave, or attempt to leave

3. RESPITE PERIOD: (i.e. the "Promises and Presents" Period) In many abusive relationships there may not be any respite period at all.

THE ABUSER MAY:

- apologize, cry, and beg for forgiveness
- make declarations of love and want
- promise to get help, to go for counseling to AA, to do "whatever it takes"
- send flowers and presents
- take partner out lavishly
- enlist support from family, friends, clergy and the children
- promise it will never happen again

THE VICTIM MAY:

- agree to stay, return, or take abuser back
- cancel, or try to cancel, legal proceedings
- make appointments with counselor or therapist for abuser and self
- cancel those appointments because things seem to be better
- feel happy and hopeful
- believe it will never happen again

The whole cycle then REPEATS.

Also see Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships.

During my training to deal with battered women, one woman came and gave a painful speech on her several years of abusive marriage, why she left her abusive husband, and why it took her so long to leave. She said she never discussed any of her problems with family or friends, out of shame. Outside their home, she and her husband acted like the model couple. She was a stay-at-home mom and didn't have many friends. He usually discouraged her attempts to find new friends. They had two kids in elementary school.

She finally came to the breaking point this way: one weekend she left to stay in San Francisco with some friends. She had some young kittens she cared for very much. Her husband had just gotten this big, ferocious-looking dog which she didn't like. She asked him repeatedly to make sure the cats were kept in a safe place and that he'd watch them. When she got back home the following Monday, the kittens were gone. She looked frantically around the house and the backyard. Nothing.

Finally she heard some noise in the garage. Peeking in, she saw her husband's new dog. Clenched in his jaws was one of the young kittens. Her husband had just thrown the kittens in the garage the whole weekend, with the dog!

She freaked. She could see something similar happening to her children that way, and she decided to never accept abuse and neglect again. When she had been abused, she had tried to "take it" silently, hoping things would get better. But when it came to her kids and her pets---that was the end. Several years later she married a new man, gentle and kind. She is now very happy and makes speeches to young women, praying they will avoid her fate.

The first time I visited San Diego, I met this woman who acted strangely and invited me into her motel room. It turns out she had been abused and was running away from her husband. Read the whole story here.

Please, ladies, do NOT make a common mistake for teenaged girls and interpret possessive, controlling behavior as "romantic" or a "sign of love." It's SELFISH. The ugly truth of Mira's list above is it may be a sign of potential abuse and repeated disappointments for you. It's possible to find a man both emotionally stable and romantic and exciting. I guarantee that.