Posted 10:15 AM by Blah blah

Libra C'est Moi: I Psychoanalyze Myself (Revealing)

I don't believe in astrology, but some of this description of Libra so captures me, what I wish to be, or what people have said about me. So I keep returning to it.

"Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.

Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, 'They always make you feel better for having been with them.' They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.

Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.

In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality. Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of 'true minds.' The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.

The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage. Their love of pleasure may lead them into extravagance; Libran men can degenerate into reckless gamblers, and Libran women extravagant, jealous and careless about money sometimes squander their wealth and talents in their overenthusiasm for causes which they espouse. Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.

In their work the description 'lazy Libra' which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious. With their dislike of extremes they make good diplomats but perhaps poor party politicians, for they are moderate in their opinions and able to see other points of view. They can succeed as administrators, lawyers (they have a strong sense of justice, which cynics might say could handicap them in a legal career), antique dealers, civil servants and bankers, for they are trustworthy in handling other people's money. Some Librans are gifted in fashion designing or in devising new cosmetics; others may find success as artists, composers, critics, writers, interior decorators, welfare workers or valuers, and they have an ability in the management of all sorts of public entertainment. Some work philanthropically for humanity with great self-discipline and significant results. Libran financiers sometimes make good speculators, for they have the optimism and ability to recover from financial crashes."
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It's true that my personality can be like that of a diplomat---able to see both sides of any issue, able to put myself into others' shoes, smooth talker, sensitive to subtle psychological cues, etc. I'd rather be the diplomat or negotiator than the lawyer, because I like the search for truth, the search for the best solution for both sides. That appeals to my psychologist/scientist side, where I know the truth usually falls somewhere in the middle of extremes. I don't take well to the Bible-thumping zealotry of either the public defender or the prosecutor, of the far right or the far left. In an ideal world I'd be a diplomat like Richard Holbrooke, working to negotiate peace in N. Ireland or Bosnia.

In personal relationships, as with mathematics, I can step out of my body and watch from a distance. I can be ruthlessly objective with myself and others, and if some relationship is seriously not working, I can detach and not look back. (For instance, my quitting Rice Bowl Journals.) It's a defense mechanism. I usually don't get exhaustingly emotional, and I dislike drama queens. I have almost never had any nasty breakups. My breakups have been "friendly," and usually my exes are happy to see me if they have ever bumped into me again. I dislike trashing exes. We're different people, our paths diverge, and that's it.

Yes, I can be a bit sensitive to criticism, having grown up in a family of relentless criticism. But no, I like to hear different points of view, if they are argued well. I don't think I'm always right. On the contrary, since I see both sides of an issue, I am always seeking to broaden and flesh out my limited experience and respect others' more knowledgeable views highly. My mind can be changed, as you saw when I went from anti-war to pro-war. Yet I do tend to go with my gut.

I do NOT hunger for approval. My blog is so NOT narcissistic, except for this entry. People complain I'm not personal enough in my blog, since I keep focusing on the stories of others! In fact, I don't mind being unpopular and am used to being "different"---the odd one out. I've been that way ever since I was teased for being Asian as one of two Asian kids in my whole elementary school in New England. Being weird or in the minority doesn't bother me at all. One of my favorite writers is Ralph Waldo Emerson, who always stressed "Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist." That said, the fact that I write on this blog every day for an audience and do care about how people respond to my writing is slightly narcissistic. But it's the narcissism of the engineer making sure his invention actually does the job. I need feedback for my writing just like an engineer needs to do constant testing.

One of my strengths is giving people emotional support. Women (and men) usually say I make them feel "very comfortable." My voice can purr in a very soothing way. Having grown up in a family of lots of emotional drama and volatility, I've learned how to deal with emotionally insane people. (Not that I enjoy it or would ever wish to have my future family like that.) I've learned to deflect their anger, anxiety, fear, jealousy---emotional judo. After the rage passes me like a bull steams by a toreador, then I start to apply the salve on those emotional wounds and start to help them heal.

While I love harmony, even-temperedness, and smooth human relations, I also am not afraid to be blunt when necessary, stand up and cause conflict when it's a cause I believe strongly, and otherwise be uncompromising when it counts. I am not an emotional puppy and don't just give in for the sake of "appearances." For example, to spoiled pretty girls who throw temper tantrums. By nature, I still prefer to let trivial disagreements go and want us to all get along.

It's so true that I'm mainly more artistic than intellectual. That I'm more mellow and prefer to get the general idea right than to painstakingly argue every point to death. I don't have the patience for gritty mathematical proof that I did in high school and college. Moderation is key. I'm more of a dilettante that way. It's also a weakness I am working on improving. I can sound intelligent but may at heart not know what I'm talking about. It's the journalist's personality. In intellectual pursuits, I follow more Benjamin Franklin's jack-of-all-trades style than a modern university scholar's.

Yes, I can be a big flirt, if I CHOOSE to. Key and I took an online test once, and we both came out as "smooth flirts." But a lot of times I SUPPRESS the flirtatious part of my personality, my usual cheerfulness and friendliness. I tone it down. Sometimes, for long periods, I'm not interested in playing the game. But if I do meet someone with the right chemistry and see the signs of attraction, I can boldly go for it.

I tend to be a monogamous person. I have never cheated on any girl in my life. Once I'm fully wrapped up with someone, other girls don't interest me besides the casual, harmless flirtation. I tend to be a romantic, so I'm not easily swayed by a pair of nice random legs. The emotional chemistry has gotta be there.

"Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of 'true minds.' The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings." I feel this will be so true when I get married. I'm always curious how people (especially women) think, so I perhaps can tell her what's going on in her head before she fully articulates it to me herself.

I hate gossip. I also do not seek to listen in on others' gossip. If you've read this blog long enough, you know how much I DON'T talk about my family's or friends' lives. I try my best to keep private things said to me PRIVATE. I am very keen to the destructive power of gossip and some ill-chosen words. I'd rather be boring than an interesting kiss-and-teller.

It's true I can be frivolous, impatient with routine, and indulgent sometimes. These are some of my glaring faults. I sometimes feel I studied chemical engineering and computer science to punish my frivolity and indulgence. That I wanted a ugly "Puritan" experience in college to serve my Puritan upbringing. That the only valid life was a life of suffering. Understand that I grew up in Rhode Island, which 250 years ago was America's Puritan Central! I went to a traditional 200-year-old Baptist church as a kid. As H. L. Mencken said, "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy." My mom and her family are HUGE Puritans. Being a hedonist feels new and strange to me. I keep trying to work on these faults. Believe me.

Yes, I do tend to click better with lawyers and doctors, writers and fashion designers---than with engineers and accountants. I am an idealist and optimist. I like people who speak and write well. I like creative people, non-materialistic people, and those who care about doing something to benefit society.

I want to marry someone like that---someone who inspires me to be a better person.