Posted 9:55 AM by Blah blah

Sandy's Worst Date Ever

I'm stealing this from Sandy, who used to write for Tiger Cafe. When are you coming back here, you "nerd"? You "RET TO GO?" Hehe...it's HELLA funny. Hey baby, I ALSO listen to Wild 94.9 FM in my car. Picked it up from my Vietnamese housemate.

Sandy is so perceptive. Once I asked her "What kinda girl do you think is better for me?"
Sandy: "Oh, that's easy" and rattled off a list of qualities.
Me: "Yes yes!! How do you know so much about me?"
Sandy: "That's what I was looking for too---kinda describes my boyfriend."
Me: "So I need to find a female version of your boyfriend????!!!"
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Thursday, January 09, 2003

As I try and recall the details of my date with "Sean" it sounds like a typical episode straight from "Blind Date." Annoying mannerisms, rude and disgusting habits, tactless gestures and outbursts, shameless sexual advances...etc etc. The only difference is that I KNEW exactly what to expect.

I have such bad judgement when it comes to dating guys, especially when I'm vulnerable and on the rebound. That's exactly what I used Sean for. (I'm just trying to justify why I did it) :p

I met Sean in my Educational Psych. class when I was attending SJSU back in '99. I was on the prowl for something temporary and fun. My ex and I had broken up for the Nth time and I took these mini-breaks to my advantage. I kinda saw it as "my time to have fun" and if I have to slut around in order to get some, then so be it!!!

Anyway, it was towards the end of the semester when Sean finally summoned up the courage to ask me out. He looked like and acted like my ex-boyfriend. I dont want to generalize or offend my fellow asians, but he was what you would call the typical Bay Area Asian boy. He drove a fixed-up Acura, smoked a lot (and did that squat and spit thing), listened to Wild 94.9 (mainstream hip hop/rap and dance music), spoke in Asian-ebonics, "rolled" only with his Asian posse, and wore nothing but Nautica jackets and Tommy Hilfiger t-shirts. It was actually kinda entertaining watching him present his projects in front of the class because he would always stumble and struggle to find the right words... "This was hella tight...I mean, really educational...."

Halfway in the middle of the semester we ended up in the same group. After months of months of endless presentations and stress, we all bonded and hung out quite often after class. We had met at a coffee shop across from campus to discuss our final presentation and Sean asked to "roll out" with him afterwards. He drove me back to my apartment and awkwardly asked me if I wanted to hang out with him sometime. I said yes and so my fate was sealed.

He picked me up the following Sat. night. He left his precious Acura at my place since he didn't want to run the risk of it getting "jacked" or whatever. So we drove out to the Beehive Bar, where he could get plastered and get his hip hop fix. The crowd was mainly black and there were a few asians tucked away in the corners dancing with the walls.

Sean headed straight to the bar and pounded down at least 4 shots. Our conversation was really awkward, and after his 4th shot of tequila he broke the ice by making a complete ass of himself in front of everyone. He'd scream, "yeah thats my jam babeeee! woot woot!!" (fists in the air and all) There was a couple next to us who were heckling him and mocking his drunken arm gestures. Oh man, they were dissing the only asian dude in the club, and I happened to be sitting right next to him.

Then he went and did it. As I sat there stone-sober and fearing this very moment.....He turned around, said something along the lines of, "it's time to get freaky", grabbed my hand and dragged me on the dance floor. I lasted about 5 minutes. He was so uncoordinated, so drunk and so obnoxious. I ended up dancing with another guy who probably felt sorry for me.

Soon he stumbled back to the bar and drank some more. I rejoined him later and the bartender suggested that I should take him home. Translation: Get this dumb ass out of my bar!

But this wasn't the end of my date. As soon as we got to my apartment I knew I couldn't let him drive home drunk. Knowing this and knowing that my mace spray had run out, I knew I was asking for it.

I dumped him in the middle of my living room floor and offered to make some hot tea for him. At this point, we had only exchanged a few pleasantries (before he got plastered) and idiotic out bursts (after the bar). I had no idea what his last name was.

When I came back out with his hot tea, he had miraculously disappeared. I had left him sprawled out on my living room floor and now *poof* he was gone! I checked the guest bathroom....nope, not there. I checked my roomates room (thank god he wasn't there that w'end), nope not there either. As I slowly inched my way up my hallway I had this creepy uneasy feeling that he was in my bedroom. I was right. I knew this immediately when I saw that my bedroom door was closed. I NEVER ever close my door unless I'm undressing. I opened my door and I found Sean BUTT NAKED in my BED. His clothes were thrown haphazardly all around my room and his tightie whities were hanging off my computer chair. He laid there with his hands tucked comfortably under his neck and his legs crossed in the air. He was also ON TOP of my blankets.

I said something like, "oh my God," he turned his face, smirked at me with his eyes half open and gurgled, "hey babe. I'm RET TO GO."

I slammed the door and ran into my roommates room, slammed that door and sat there. After the shock wore off I started giggling. I couldnt let the moment slip away so I called up one of my other classmates. Fortunately, she was a bit older and married with children, so was home to share the moment with me.

I never heard someone laugh so hard. She put the phone down and I could hear her repeating what had happened to her husband. We both concluded that I shouldn't let him stay the night and I needed to get him out of my bed. There werent any door locks to the bedrooms and I didnt want to risk getting smothered or raped by this weirdo. With my tennis racket in my hand, I cautiously opened the door to my bedroom. Surprisingly he was fully clothed, but he was still on my bed.

I woke him up and asked him to leave. He said he had to puke and I helped him to the bathroom. After about 2 hours of retching, he was finally sober enough to go back home. I knew that he was really embarrassed because he couldnt even look me in the eye. He asked me not to tell anyone in class about what happened (oops) and apologized for what he did. I told him that when he was sober enough, we definitely needed to talk things out. Well, that never happened. surprise surprise.

Let's just say the following Monday was 10x more uncomfortable. I avoided speaking to him during class but it was extrememly difficult not to bust out laughing everytime I looked at Rene (the girl that I had called). Everytime I met her gaze I had to literally choke down my laughter and excuse myself for the disruption. Sean never forgave me for snitching on him. How did he find out? Well on our last day of instruction, as we all got up and gathered our things, Rene nudged me and said, "HEY SANDY, YOU RET TO GO?"

Sean took one look at me and he knew instantly I was guilty. Little does he know that I use this little story as a "ice breaker" at social gatherings. muhahahhahaha.