Posted 7:02 PM by Blah blah

An Open Letter to Blogdom
or, an Unqualified Jackass Shares an Opinion No One Asked

by Sour Bob in Chicago, a guy working through his divorce. Bitter, but true!

After belatedly joining the blog community, Sour Bob has performed an exhaustive survey of the medium, and has come up with the following list of talking points he hopes his compatriots will take into consideration.

1. There are a limited number of people in the world who give a shit what kind of bubble bath you use. Maybe you could come up with something to say, rather than regurgitating an exhaustive laundry list of the inane crap you did today.

2. Congratulations! You're the 1000th blogger to post that same goddamned Apple link. Corporate America® thanks you for doing its marketing for free.

3. Enough already with the animated icons. What are you fifteen frigging years old? You are? Um, sorry. You probably have enough problems. Pay no attention to the bitter old man.

4. A tiny 72 dpi picture of your cat looks exactly like a tiny 72 dpi picture of anybody else's cat. Post a picture of an interesting dog or don't bother.

5. A flag! "God Bless America"! So you know the word "patriotism." How about "jingoism"? Familiar with that one?

6. You do web design? And you have a blog? What are the odds?

7. The last thing the world needs is another news-obsessed 25-45 year old white guy endlessly republishing every link having anything to do with "The War on Terrorism." Kudos for staying informed dude, but maybe you need a date.

8. Cheers to the goth kids, who've brought their maudlin, achingly predictable rants from sticker-covered spiral notebooks to computer screens the world over. Like, no one understands them, you know? Not even the scores of other goth teens with their own blogs.

9. It's a good thing you wrote a somber reflection on 9/11. I was having trouble finding anything on that.

10. Your poetry sucks, hon. Seriously. Maybe you should focus on bubble bath.

11. You found a ten question quiz telling you which of a handful of odious pop culture figures your personality vaguely resembles? How precious!

12. I am not going to PayPal you any money for the "privilege" of reading your blog. Get over yourself. I save my PayPal money for eBay and pornography just like every other embittered insomniac Internet addict.