Posted 1:25 PM by Blah blah

Out of Place
Among One's Own Race

By Thea (Nov. 17). She responded to Esther's post about feeling out of place as a minority. But for Thea, it's more a minority based on her mind and personality:

"As a general minority yet academic majority, I do not feel like I fit in anywhere at all. I grew up in predominantly white neighborhoods [Tennessee] so for most of my life I have felt different and ostracized (although my reclusive nature probably accounted for a lot of that too). I could not even relate to the few other Asians around. They were the token Asians, popular and highly competitive. And I couldn't even fit in that mold.

When I was thrust into a situation where I was part of the majority, I felt like I had been dumped in a mirror universe. Everyone looked like me, but they didn't believe the same things I did, didn't wear the same things, didn't like the same things, and certainly didn't act like me. I was puzzled as to why the Asians would want to lump so closely together that they excluded everyone else. I was excluded because my behavior did not conform with theirs. (If I want to be honest with myself, I feel like I don't look like the other Asians enough to be accepted. I'm not coy, thin, or pretty. That's probably better in the long run, but geez, I feel like I'm living in a vacuum.)

It's not that I don't have friends. I do. Only that my friends are of the more eclectic mix--where communicating ideas is a stronger motivator than sticking to people just like them. I'm torn between the two conflicting imperatives: should I ingratiate myself with a group of people suspicious of others in order to facilitate integration or should I just avoid those not-so-forward-thinking people and stick with the people who are like me? Both don't sit well with me. Although integration is a noble goal, I'm never sure if deep-seated prejudices are changed. As for the people who are like me, they're really not like me.

Integration not only should be about race, but about who you are. I'm tired of being labeled as the chicken in the flock of cuckoos wherever I go. I'm going to roost on my own lonely branch."
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Thea graduated from Caltech this spring. Now she's in grad school in biology at Dartmouth, in New Hampshire.

Thea, I know what you mean about feeling the odd one out. Even with my outgoing personality, I grew up an outsider and am used to being an outsider. I would suggest changing your attitude and thinking about others, so you view people as all human beings who actually share a lot more in common than at first glance. Don't stereotype the other way and think those popular "token Asians" you mention are not also going through the same problems as you. Or that they are all airheads who don't want to have meaningful conversations. You don't only have those two choices you mentioned. I'm also non-conformist and don't like to rush along with the crowd.

I would say take more social risks. Look people in the eye. Go the extra mile and introduce yourself to people you previously avoided based on your past prejudices. Dig deeper with them for common ground. Even if you meet someone dressed like a Goth, with spikey purple hair and a nipple ring, she still has more in common with you than you may think. That's the beauty of getting to know people. You break through those facades and the window dressing people mount before them.

Even the "coy, thin, or pretty" girls have your problems and self-doubts sometimes. Believe it!

And voila, you have a new friend!