Posted 1:20 PM by Blah blah

Take It Seriously. No "Tough Love" Crap.

At the end of yesterday's debate on RBJ about Mr. Sparkle's suicide threat, it turned nasty. Some people lashed out at him, telling him to "be a man, stop whining," etc. While it might make those people feel good for five minutes to tell some total stranger off, it could have serious consequences on someone, that vulnerable, who has come to US for help.

Someone who is forced to post his struggles with suicide publicly on a message board must not have anyone to talk to in his own life. He must be at the brink already. He has hit bottom. He hates himself. For people to kick him while he's down is like spitting on a dying dog. We must respond with tact and extreme caution. We must show respect and compassion for what he's going through and TAKE ACTION.

The Internet lets us all get lazy as passive spectators to others' ups and downs. We are used to clicking through from blog to blog, using them for our own amusement, like channels on TV. But these people's anguish is real. It's not for our entertainment. When the time comes and you are needed, please please act!

I quote from a memorial website for Kevin Hogue, the Berkeley student I mentioned below, who jumped off of a 10th-floor balcony this April.

"I was one of the last people Stars Pyre [Kevin Hogue] 'spoke' to before he made that fateful decision. I knew he was having a difficult time sorting things out but had no idea how close he was to the breaking point. You can imagine my horror when I gave him the online equivalent of a slap on the back and a hug, told him I would be out of town Saturday and most of Sunday, but would speak to him on Monday....and then came home to find he suicided soon after I talked to him. I don't know what I could have done since I had no idea his life had reached that inevitable turning point. Maybe I should have left him my cell phone number. Maybe I shouldn't have gone; perhaps he thought I was brushing him off or trying to get rid of him. There had to have been something I could have done. I dropped the ball on this one and now I can only say that I am sorry and hope I do better the next time.

If you never do anything else, please read the next words I have to say and take them to heart. I'm speaking as someone who has tried all too often to cross that final bridge and failed for whatever reasons. Always, always take talk of suicide seriously. To say that the ones that talk about it or don't succeed aren't serious or won't do it is a myth. Don't try the 'tough love' crap on them if you aren't going to be around to monitor the results; you just might push them over the final edge into oblivion. Sympathy and pity might not be what they need or what they will respond to, but by the gods, don't lash someone already in obvious conflict and pain with harsh words and then walk away. Have the courage to stand by them and finish what you started because you don't KNOW what affect your words will have on the person in crisis.

I hate the word 'threat' in 'suicide threat'; it makes it sound as though these people are playing with their lives and trying to solicit favors from their friends and family. It also makes the situation sound a lot less serious than it really is. I don't know what you would call it, but it isn't a threat. The person talking about killing themselves feels they have nothing to gain with any other action and so most standard input (attention, gifts, etc) isn't going to change how they feel. Treat these comments for what they are --- the preliminary planning sessions for the taking of a life. Friends are precious commodities and I didn't have very many of them, certainly not enough for any of them to consider their lives worth throwing away. Stars Pyre stood up for me on an important issue once because he felt I was right even though my side of the argument wasn't the popular one. I owe him my existence because he understood the concepts I expressed above and took the time to connect with me at a crucial moment when things could so easily have gone the other way. I am alive and able to have an impact on others' lives because he had an impact on mine through one simple act of kindness. I wish I could have made him see that; maybe then he wouldn't have been so willing to throw his life away."