Posted 10:51 PM by Blah blah

Reading a Girl's Intentions

I feel like a produce buyer, bumbling through the farmer's market looking for fresh meat and ripe fruit for you. Here's an excellent entry by Miss Sarah Hatter (thanks to Cheshire). I remember you, Sarah, from all those comments on The Date Project. Congratulations on publishing your first book!

By Sarah Hatter:

I am blind in one eye, at least when it comes to reading the opposite sex. I'm not too good at figuring out what a guy is trying to do---whether he's trying to date me or shut me up or both, I never can quite discern. But I'm pretty good at reading girls and not just because I'm a girl, because I'm not really a "girl." Anatomically speaking, I'm all female. I like kitties and babies and MAC. But I've never been girly, never squealed over a new purse or glared at someone talking to my man. I know those kind of girls, especially girls who wear pigtails.

I can call a girl's intentions a mile away, whether she really thinks you're interesting, whether she just wants some company, whether she's only talking to you because her ex-boyfriend is right across the room and she's trying to look involved so he'll be jealous even though they broke up months ago and he's already with someone else, it doesn't matter. Girls like this are preying on you, they're trying to get you to date them and buy them things and marry them. That's all they want, that's the only reason why they wear lipgloss in the first place and highlight their hair and giggle.

Any girl who wears pigtails is desperate to be cute, all she wants is for you to acknowledge her cuteness and ask her out. Go ahead, just do it, just say the pigtails are cute. I promise she won't wear pigtails every time. The pigtails are cute anyway, especially when she does that hip zig-zag part in the back. At least comment on it, or tug on one of them, just not to hard cause that took a while to do, okay?

If a girl ever asks your last name it is so she can match it to her first name. If she repeats it more than once she is practicing her new signature in her mind, not pontificating the beauty of your surname. After all, think about what your last name is. Why would someone repeat that over and over unless she was considering the way it would look on a statement for a joint bank account? A girl who is really interested in you will figure out a way to learn your last name (and the correct spelling) without asking for it. Trust me.

If a girl ever complains about guys always hitting on her, she's trying to tell you that she gets hit on a lot, and you should hurry and snatch her up before someone else does. She's creating competition for you, dear, not trying to intimidate you. She's initiating the chase. Don't sulk off thinking she's too good for you because other guys want her. No other guys want her, do you see them anywhere? That's because they don't exist.

If a girl ever notes an annoying characteristic of girls---say something like, "Oh those girls just want you to think they're cute."---but then mentions that she is definitely *not* like those girls, she is indeed just like those girls and is only trying to convince you that she's different so you'll find her more attractive. She's not any different, she's just like all the rest, and if she writes about how different she is on her weblog *you know* she's certainly no better than the rest.

In all honesty, I really am not a normal girl. I don't like my thong sticking out of my low rise jeans, I don't wear those God forsaken Italian charm bracelets or a backpack purse. I've never worn a screen printed T shirt that reads, "Angel" because I'm not one and I don't intend to convince people otherwise by means of a $15 shirt from Wet Seal. But I do have moments of weakness when I'll meet a man and immediately match my first name with his last name and wonder how long he'll save up to buy me that 1.2 carat trillion diamond with channel-set round sidestones in white gold that I've always wanted, I imagine him at the altar, his chin quivering as I walk down the aisle. I wonder what song we'll dance to (can he dance?), whether he'll mind a swing band playing Gershwin songs at the reception, I consider his height and what kind of breeding options we may have together. I wonder if he'll mind living on the coast, if he'd know what to order for me at a restaurant, what he thinks of Starbucks. I wonder if he snores, if he does I will mentally divorce him which won't be so bad, I can live with a starter marriage that didn't work out, after all we're both so young, we'd just sell the house and split the return. We'll remain friends but won't socialize much, I'll move on to his friend (or maybe he has a brother?), his last name starts with a "T" which would make my initials "SET..."
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"If a girl ever complains about guys always hitting on her, she's trying to tell you that she gets hit on a lot, and you should hurry and snatch her up before someone else does. She's creating competition for you, dear, not trying to intimidate you. She's initiating the chase. Don't sulk off thinking she's too good for you because other guys want her. No other guys want her, do you see them anywhere? That's because they don't exist."

This happened to me a few weeks ago. I had been playing tennis with a woman and we were having coffee. (Most definitely a woman. Not a girl.) My partner would occasionally lean over and touch me on the arm while we laughed and talked---always a good sign (say those in the know).

A tiny problem: she's taken. I usually find the taken girls the most flirtatious. Oh Sarah, sign me up for your course!