Posted 3:57 AM by Blah blah

More comic relief from The Best of Craigslist...
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Your odds are only 1:190:

According to the US Census, the National Center for Health Statistics and the University of Miami I have found the following facts, and derived there are approximately 14,000 perfect men left in the entire state of California.

California has a population of 34.5 million
Of that 48.9% are not married
Of those 15.4% are men ages 25-34
Then only 13.0% of those have a college degree
Only 37% are not over weight
Then of those 75% are not seriously balding by age 25
Only 15% are 6 feet or taller.

34,500,000 x 0.489 x 0.154 x 0.13 x 0.37 x 0.75 x 0.15

= 14,106

If you have no preference for race, political affiliation, income potential, or character then you have 14,106 to choose from. If your standards are higher then the pool to choose from will be even far less than that.

If I was 6 inches taller then there would be 14,107, and you would be throwing yourself at my feet. There are 2,700,000 women chasing 14,000 men, giving each man 190 to choose from.

Your efforts are futile. So go out with me already, Mr. Right has got his hands full with all the rest. I would be more than happy with woman #50 or better out of those 190.
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Warm it up Craig:

I get tired of weeding through all these ads that are essentially saying the same things. This is why I would like to request that you all use one of the following ad titles to help me (and you) save some time. Thanks!


God’s gift looking for God’s gift

I’ll compromise on anything except my unrealistic standards

I’m not much but expect you to be perfection

I’m exciting and adventurous because I drive a motorcycle/convertible

3 paragraphs on how I’m fat and hate your shallow ass

Allow me to buy your love

I’ll fuck/lick anything

I swear this is the last of my last posts!

I haven’t had an original interest or thought in over a decade

Let me give this mother a whirl

My picture scares people away

I’m lucky enough to still have a job but all I do is chat online all day

I’m witty but nothing in my ad shows that

Let’s bond over our common STD

Addicted to constant disappointment

I’m totally overwhelmed with responses (only posted by females)

I’m as deep and sincere as your picture is attractive

My complete ad wouldn’t fit in the craig’s database part 1

SF SWF ISO PhD BMW LOL

I set aside 10 minutes a week for true love

Damn, I’m impressive

You’re so lucky that I am ready for a relationship

I have nothing to say and enjoy good conversation

I posted this 5 minutes ago, and 5 minutes before that, and 5 minutes before that…..

I just broke up with my ex 2 hours ago and am ready to go back out there!

Friendship first. Sex never.

I’m a stereotypical unique individual

I planned the perfect date but forgot I don’t have one

I’m laidback and casual. WHY AREN’T YOU RESPONDING?? ANSWER ME!!!!

I’m a spectacular fuck

I’m honest and also just saying what you want to hear

I’m a health nut, emphasis on nut
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For Those Who Fear the Window:

What if the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages were replaced with Haiku? Below, the essence of Zen:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
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Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
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Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
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Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
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Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
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First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
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With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
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The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao- until
You bring fresh toner.
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Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
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A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
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Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
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You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
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Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
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Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
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Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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STORY OF ONE WOMAN'S SEARCH FOR TRUE LOVE:

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.
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Questions for Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently she said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -- Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness -- Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination -- Lev. 11:10-- it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -- Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
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I need to start reading these better:

First I get all excited about the Table For Sex, since I like doing it in places other than the bedroom, just to discover it's Table for SIX. Then I was about to call a couple of friends to tell them about the Fag Football game until I realized there's an 'L' in there. And as if that wasn't enough, for a minute I thought some guy was saying NASA developed a machine that can read our minds and I was busy shaping aluminum foil into a helmet to thwart them when....oh....he did say that, didn't he? But you knew that since you work for NASA, right?

I think I picked a bad day to forget to refill my Xanax......
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horny futon mattress desperate for some hot action - $100 [Furniture ad]

Hi, I’m a sexy, voluptuous caucasian futon mattress. I've got a little extra padding in just the right places. I’m practically brand new. I’ve barely been used. You think I'd be happy, right? Well I’m not. I’m sick of being clean and pure. My prudish owner has barely even slept on me. There’s never been any overnight visitors, no casual encounters. My full-sized frame has yet to discover the touch of two bodies intertwined in sinful acts of carnal pleasure. I yearn for more. My owner has gingerly sat on me and watched enough episodes of Sex in the City for me to realize all the unbelievably wild fun I’m missing out on. I want to be pounded. I want owners who will get it on hot and heavy several times a week, right on top of me. I want to get slammed repeatedly against the wall in the throes of their intense passion. I want to soak up their sweat. I want to muffle their cries of ecstasy. Instead I’ve got the virgin mary herself practically levitating above me. My thick foam layers are crying out for pressure. My woolen insides are craving the compression that results from love’s sweet consummation. Alas, there’s no chance of me finding true sexual fulfillment while I’m being held ransom in this veritable convent of an apartment. But there’s hope. For somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred bucks you can liberate me. I can be yours. I will cater to your every need. I can help you fulfill your naughty nocturnal fantasies. I want you to take me now. Hold me. Lift me in your strong arms. Carry me home. Take advantage of me. I’m luscious and malleable. I will melt in your hands. I will fit in your car. Unless you drive one of those mini-cooper matchbox vehicles that requires visiting a voodoo witch doctor to get your head-shrunk before you can drive around in it. You people know who you are. I’ve seen you zoom past the windows of my prison cell in your micromachines, on your way to some shindig or other at barbie’s malibu dream house. You freaks need not apply. Everyone else: So what are you waiting for? Send me an email. You can come see me. You can have me. You won’t regret it. Sweet dreams await . . .
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ALL UPPER CASE TYPING SUPPORT GROUP:

I'M INTERESTED IN FORMING A GROUP FOR ALL THOSE WHO LOVE TYPING IN UPPERCASE. TYPING IN UPPERCASE REALLY HELPS GET OUR MESSAGES ACROSS! WE ARE NOT SHOUTING! STUCK CAPS LOCK TYPERS ALSO WELCOME.