Posted 3:16 PM by Blah blah

From David Letterman. Some of this is old stuff, but if you don't get it, you probably are either: 1) Not American or 2) Not worth it anyway:

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot
10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey Pedro, what's this gizmo do?"
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet."
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take-off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars Observer"
4. He's wearing a Domino's pizza uniform
3. Over the P.A. you hear "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh."
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

Top Ten Rejected "60 Minutes" Stories
10. How come bald guys ain't got hair?
9. Morley fills his mouth with birdseed, yawns until a hummingbird flies in
8. The president's brother might be some kind of moron
7. Guys Mike Wallace made cry
6. TV newsmagazines whose name says they're a certain length, but when you subtract the commercials are really more like "44 minutes"
5. The 1970's disco group "Village People": Gay?
4. Mike Wallace is Beavis; Andy Rooney is Butthead
3. Is that Letterman's real hair?
2. Are Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters "Doing It"?
1. A few minutes with Mickey Rooney

Top Ten Ways To Make Arafat Angry
10. Load his burnoose with bees
9. Borrow some of his books on making explosives, don't return them
8. Don't let him in the room until he says "open sesame"
7. If he's chasing you, paint a tunnel entrance onto a big rock, then hide and watch as he runs straight into it
6. When you meet him, go "Whoa! You ain't exactly Omar Sharif, are you?"
5. Introduce him as chairman of the PTA
4. Show up at a party wearing the same tablecloth
3. Ask him why it's not PLO speedwagon anymore
2. In the middle of the cab ride, tell him you changed your mind and you want him to take you to Brooklyn
1. Shortsheet his head

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Talk Show Host
10. Always asking if you brought a clip
9. Whenever he leaves, he says "I'll be right back"
8. Invites you over for dinner and when you get there he tells you that you've been bumped
7. At his cookout, "Who wants hamburgers?" is written out on a cue card
6. When you ask him to return your lawnmower, he has a list of ten reasons why he doesn't have to
5. No particular sign -- just a statistical likelihood that if you're not a talk show host, you're neighbor is
4. Ed McMahon mows the lawn
3. He chases squirrels around yard with a microphone screaming, "Is the caller there?"
2. During the summer he gains an awful lot of weight
1. Five words: Applause sign in the bedroom

Top Ten Signs You've Lost Control Of Your Country
10. At big public ceremonies, secret service guys play keep-away with your hat
9. People see you at the self-service pump filling up your pacer
8. Sharp drop in sales of "Yeltsersizer" workout machine
7. Stolichnaya withdraws its corporate sponsorship of your presidency
6. You misspell "potato" and no one cares
5. Your mother asks if you want to move back in for a while
4. Ted Koppel cuts your interview short for a late-breaking story on the "Full House" twins
3. You're denied access to the presidential hookers
2. Domino's doesn't deliver your pizza for almost an hour, still makes you pay
1. Chicks no longer dig you

Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Tips For Making Your Man Happy
10. Ketchup-flavored lip-gloss
9. On special occasions, have the marine band play Fleetwood Mac hits
8. "Air Force One mile high club"
7. Give him pep talks: "Compared to you, Lincoln was just a monkey in a top hat"
6. Lean close, put your mouth to his ear, and whisper, "Bubbaaaaaaa"
5. Spend plenty of time inside the beltway, if you know what I mean
4. Take him away for a quiet weekend of taxing and spending
3. Every once in a while, let him run the country
2. Add a little spice in the bedroom by dressing up as a McDonald's waitress
1. Two words: Fry everything

Top Ten Signs You Have No Friends
10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's Friends and Family plan
9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, "Well, what do you want to rent tonight?"
8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group
7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world
6. Your initials are G.S. and you own a major league baseball team in the Bronx
5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, "Yep, he's dead."
4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters and tying them to the furniture
3. James Taylor sings first few bars of "You've Got A Friend," notices you in the audience, and stops
2. You're still drinking from the same keg you bought on New Year's Eve '87
1. All your phone calls start with "976"

Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date
10. You can't think of anything else on your date except strangling Chuck Woolery
9. He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine
8. His multiple personalities begin arguing after dinner about splitting check
7. You find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time lifting his head out of the soup
6. He's been on "Geraldo" three times
5. After two beers he starts calling you "Mommy"
4. All she wants to talk about is how much she loves working for her boss, Heidi Fleiss
3. Every place you suggest for dinner, he says "Nah -- there might be cops there."
2. Insists that she was a virgin, but you know she was married to Sean Penn
1. He takes you to a Met game

Top Ten Signs You're Being Investigated by "60 Minutes"
10. The Domino's Pizza guy looks a little like Ed Bradley 9. Your secretary tells you the men are here to install the hidden microphones
8. You see your accountant wearing brand new "60 Minutes" T-shirt, sweatshirt, and baseball cap
7. You own a sweatshop that is accused of hiring illegal aliens and a woman calling herself "Morlene Safer" applies for a job
6. Guy wearing CBS News cap always emerging from your shrubbery, asking to use your bathroom
5. Everywhere you look: Andy Rooney's eyebrows
4. Wherever you go you hear a really loud ticking noise
3. While lying in bed after seducing you, Leslie Stahl starts asking oddly detailed questions about your business
2. While lying in bed after seducing you, Morley Safer starts asking oddly
detailed questions about your business
1. There's a microphone in your pants

Top Ten Signs of Trouble in the Darryl Hannah/JFK. Jr. Relationship
10. She was overheard saying "Wait -- you're not President Kennedy?"
9. Loud public arguments over who's prettier
8. Lots of finger-pointing after they lost People magazine's "Sexiest Couple Alive" title
7. All of a sudden she doesn't want to wear the mermaid outfit in bed
6. Madonna's at the Garden
5. He keeps confusing her with Fabio
4. Every day, big fights over mirror time
3. He's jealous because she does better on Bar Exam
2. She's sick of him saying "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask if you can get me another beer"
1. Loni's available

Top Ten Signs Your Date Is Not Having A Good Time
10. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns
9. As you drop her off, she says "Do me a favor -- next time call a different escort service"
8. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your windshield
7. "Whoa! Is it 8:15 already!?"
6. Seems unimpressed that you're the senior senator from Oregon
5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife
4. Doesn't even finish her "Whopper"
3. It's been 4 hours since she left for the ladies room
2. You're Orville Redenbacher; she hates popcorn
1. Whispers to waiter "Please kill me"

Top 10 Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Great President
10. Would not seem like brainy egghead when visiting nation's injured professional wrestlers.
9. Boyish good looks would cause Mrs. Gorbachev to fall in love, reveal state secrets.
8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays.
7. Secret Service agents wouldn't have to take their jobs so seriously.
6. Hilarious hijinks when mischievous staffer tells him to go stand in corner of Oval Office.
5. State of the Union Address would be three minutes tops.
4. Might really enjoy the part where after signing a bill into law, he gets to pass out a lot of souvenir pens.
3. Would satisfy little-known constitutional requirement that Chief Executive be "dumb as a tree".
2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV.
1. Impossible to pick himself as Vice President.

Top 10 Signs That People Are Getting Dumber
10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks.
9. Cher cologne.
8. Nobel Prize for literature given to guy who first hyphenated "oat-bran".
7. Quaylemania!
6. Japanese successfully marketing TV set that's just a cardboard box with a picture of Fess Parker inside it.
5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making.
4. Most Americans can name no more than 2 of the 4 dancing raisins.
3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made.
2. Presidential Seal now reads "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I'm still on the air.