Posted 12:58 AM by Blah blah

From Crush to Love

[Syclick replied to what we said below. Click on his link. HILARIOUS:

Me: My view is: commitment helps to build and develop love. It's not the other way around. Love is a conscious decision, not just "a feeling." Feelings tend to be as unreliable as the wind.

Syclick: Yes, folks... You can find this and many more wisdom-packed quotes in Memoirs from Raymond's Blog, now on sale at Amazon.com

You picked my kissy kissy face, Syclick!]

I just posted in RBJ again. Jo (Sodapop), a girl in Toronto, said:

"Sigh... I think I'm really flighty when it comes to relationships and such. I've never been in a serious relationship before. Not because I can't commit (well.. this is part of my question), but I don't go out searching for dates. If someone that catches my eye comes along, then it's a good thing. Other than that, I don't mind being single.

But the thing is, sometimes it happens that, if I'm crushing on a guy, no matter if it's someone I know well or not, I always let it get in the way of something. Right now, there's a guy that I'm starting to crush on. I don't know him well though. But we've met. But I know I've been more attracted to other guys, like my previous crush. I know a crush isn't pure love, but...

How do you know or how do you let go? I can see a bigger chance of something happening with this guy than the other, but I don't feel as attracted. Not yet at least. But I seem to always find myself pulling back to something that can be good, just because I don't feel the initial attraction that I've felt with other guys (even if I've never dated them)..."

I replied:

HUH? Sodapop, I cannot understand your post. You sound like you're contradicting yourself.

Please clarify your post. Maybe it will help you work out your jumbled thoughts.

It sounds to me like you are expecting love to follow some neatly planned script:
1) You feel initial attraction
2) You get a crush
3) You start feeling more serious
4) Then if all the initial doubts and the probation period are passed, you start making a commitment

You're confused and not sure if you're following the script, and now you are thinking of bailing out???

C'mon girl. Life and love are messy. Nothing follows a script. Be patient, try to appreciate and enjoy your relationship and dating RIGHT NOW, without thinking of the past or future. Live in the moment.

Let it simmer. Don't be a jumbled mess of doubts, worries, and confusion. How do you think that makes a guy feel, seeing you so indecisive and unsure of yourself like that? It hurts his confidence and makes you seem less attractive.

Then MAYBE after enough time, you both will trust each other more, open up more to each other, and that simmering pot will begin to BOIL.

Give it a chance!

My view is: commitment helps to build and develop love. It's not the other way around. Love is a conscious decision, not just "a feeling." Feelings tend to be as unreliable as the wind.

You make a tentative decision to stick with a person on whom you have a "crush." That means trying to appreciate him, work out potential issues, and deepen the relationship. It means not looking at other guys for now. Sure, it's a risk and, yes, you don't have all the information.

But if you keep waiting for more certainty before that initial commitment, you will not be able to make the essential first step towards love.

(And Grace, if you are reading this, I AM trying to follow my own advice. Wink.)
______________________
My 2nd post:

Sodapop, I don't mean to sound all wise and infallible myself. I struggle to maintain these ideals too.

Here's an example:

I have been writing my online journal for over TWO YEARS now. And I "love" my journal.

Now which came first? How have I lasted this long, when most people quit after a few months?

Did I feel an attraction to journalling, write a few entries, develop a mad crush on my journal, then deepen that into a commitment?

NO!

I know I enjoy writing. First I worked very hard at laying the foundation for a successful website. Then I posted some good quality entries. Then I just simply decided to write write write, no matter what.

At first, I didn't have much substance. Not enough info to tell if I sucked or not. If it was worth spending all this time.

But I didn't care. I believed in it. I had decided to do it, and damn it I did it.

Now I can truly say I LOVE my journal. Is it because my journal somehow seduced me? No. My love is in proportion to the amount of effort and sweat I put into this project. Love was the byproduct.

The same with relationships and with everything else.