Posted 10:34 AM by Blah blah

Rumor Control Center

Also from the Harvard Lampoon. Conan O'Brien used to head it. Also, see this parody the Lampoon staff wrote in the late 60s, Bored of the Rings:

TRANSCRIPTION OF RECORDED PHONE CONVERSATIONS. 5/13/87.

"Rumor Control Center. How can I help you?"
"Yeah, hi. Listen, I heard that there's a big Jap sub patrolling the bottom of Lake Erie. Is this true?"
"Let me check, sir. (pause, shuffling of papers) No sir, I can confirm that this rumor is not true."
"If it were true though, how would it have gotten there?"
"Would you like me to check on that, sir?"
"Naw. I was just wondering. Thanks."

"Rumor Control Center. How may I help you?"
"Hi. I five in upstate New Jersey-you know, near the radioactive waste dump. Anyway, a friend of mine told me that I'll get cancer within three years. Is this true?"
"What city do you live in?"
"Passaic."
"Mmm-hmm. (sound of computer printing out) And how long have you lived there?"
"Eleven years."
"Mmm-hmm. (sound of coin flipping) No, ma'am. You will not get cancer within three years."
"Whew."

"Rumor Control Center. How may I help you?"
"Hello Jim. This is Mr. Johnson."
"Oh, hello sir."
"What's the count today?"
"Well Mr. Johnson, we've had 33 radiation leaks, 25 microwaved babies, 17 teenage date/bloody-hook-on-the-car-door's, and 95 lysergic-acid-in-the-water-supply's."
"What's the confirmation status on the acid rumor?"
"As per your instructions, sir. Denied 91, confirmed 3."
"Good work."

"Rumor Control Center. How may I help you?"
"Hello. I have reason to believe my girlfriend is screwing my best friend when I'm at work."
"Well sir, I'm not sure how we could check-"
"Her name's Cathy."
"Is your best friend a Mr. Dolph Johanssen of 39 Roseland St.?"
"Yeah. "
"Big guy? Big Swedish guy?"
"Yeah."
"Enormous dong?"
"I don't-um... never mind."
"Thank you for calling."

"Rumor Control Center. How may I help you?"
"Yeah howdy. Today's my first day on the job, and a bunch of the other workers sent me out to buy a board-stretcher."
"Would you like an address where you could purchase that item, sir?"
"You mean there is such a thing?"
"One moment. (sound of file cabinet opening) No sir, there is no such thing as a board-stretcher."
"Those guys! Sheez. How about skyhooks? Where can I buy a carton of skyhooks?"
"No sir, those do not exist either."
"How about a hunting jacket?"
"Try Thurman's Sporting Goods on East 32nd."
"Great. The guys said they'll take me snipe-hunting this weekend if I tracked down an air-imploding device."
"Sir? Hello?"

"Rumor Control Center. How may I help you?"
"Larry, this is Mr. Johnson again."
"Yes sir."
"If my wife calls asking about me, please tell her I'm in the middle of a meeting."
"Yes sir. I am to confirm the rumor that you are in the middle of a meeting."
"Well, yes."
"Are you actually in a meeting right now, sir?"
"No, I'm calling from the Kit-Kat Klub. And listen-"
"Could I put you on hold for a moment, sir? I have a call on the other line. Rumor Control Center. How may I help you?"
"Hi, Larry. This is Mrs. Johnson. The word on the streets is that my husband is drinking at some sleazy bar."
"I can deny that rumor, ma'am."
"Okay. The inside line also says that he just called you and told you to tell me a lie concerning his whereabouts."
"I can confirm that rumor."
"Thank you."
"Thank you, ma'am. Hello, Mr. Johnson?"
"Oh shit. I can't talk now, Larry. My wife is in a phone booth right across the street."
"Yes sir. Goodbye."

-by Paul Simms, creator of the TV comedy News Radio