Posted 10:39 AM by Blah blah

Saddam Speaks

The latest from Saddam's Cyber Palace:

Saturday, March 22, 2003
I never did get a chance to go to the store. Between the shrapnel, fireballs, flying body parts, and collapsing buildings, it just wasn't safe to venture out. But even in here, I couldn't sleep because of the racket. And when I don't get enough sleep, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I gas the Kurds. That has never failed to make me feel better when I'm feeling down. But now I can't even do that! The phone lines have been cut, and my cellphone doesn't seem to work right either. Damn Verizon people deserve to be taken out and shot. Or did I do that last month....? No, no... I'm thinking of the Microsoft Tech Support team that was stationed here in Baghdad. Those people DEFINITELY deserved to be shot.

The Verizon people will be next, assuming I can eventually dig my way out of this bunker. Every time I try calling someone, all I get is this annoying voice that says, "Hey Saddam, can you hear us now.....? Good."

I knew I should have gone with T-Mobile. That Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot.
:: Saddam "No Nukes Here" Hussein 7:56 PM [+] ::

Friday, March 21, 2003
Well, I've almost used up all my Scuds, which is actually pretty good, since I didn't have any to begin with. HA HA HA!!!! Fooled that dumb Swede, Hans Blix, though. You've probably heard that the Americans are meeting with light resistance, and that my troops are surrendering en masse. This is all part of my brilliant military strategy to lull the invading hordes into a false sense of confidence. Just wait till they get to Baghdad!! Or more precisely, what's LEFT of Baghdad.

Does Amazon.Com sell hearing aids? I need one after what happened in that bunker the other day. That was louder than that Who concert I went to back in '75.
Anyway, I better stock up for what promises to be a long seige. I'm going to head over to my favorite store for supplies.
:: Saddam "No Nukes Here" Hussein 7:39 PM [+] ::

Thursday, March 20, 2003
There is some speculation as to whether or not I was killed last night. Poppycock!! If I were dead, don't you think I'd be the first to know about it? But if I am, in fact, now officially eligible to play the role of "the corpse" on Six Feet Under, then who appeared on Iraqi TV after the attack? Yes, I suppose it COULD have been one of my officially certified body doubles, but what would the point be?

For that matter, how do you know it's the REAL Saddam making these blog entries and not some imposter posing as me? I mean, posing as HIM, since if I was really me, I wouldn't be posing as me to begin with? Then again, I could ACTUALLY be me, but posing as an imposter posing as me in an effort to throw off the American intelligence services.

Then again, how do you know I'm not a 15 year old high school cheerleader in Poughkeepsie, New York? Some points for you to ponder....
:: Saddam "No Nukes Here" Hussein 7:47 PM [+] ::