Posted 7:10 PM by Blah blah

Just talked to my mom today. She's been sick with a high fever and non-productive cough. I'm worried. We'll see what happens tomorrow and then go to the doctor again.

In reading Susan Page's book, I see a lot of my own faults. Boy...so many places I can do better! When I finish summarizing the whole book here, I will try to review myself, honestly, and see how I follow her criteria. This will be a humbling experience.

Susan Page: Couples Who Thrive (Part 3)
Excerpts from her book The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive.

Here's Part 1. Part 2.

Chapter 1 Summary:
1. Desire: act as if you have a passionate desire to be with your spouse and to have a wonderful relationship together. Find some small way to behave the way an enthusiastic spouse would behave. Very often, new feelings will follow new behavior.
2. Belief: believe that you both can have a thriving marriage and act accordingly. Believe that you can work or deal with your disagreements.
3. Commitment: unswervingly commit to each other and to improving the relationship. This will increase intimacy and trust.

Chapter 2. Trait 2: Goodwill

Goodwill means: giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, being as concerned about meeting your partner's needs as your own. Being on your partner's side and knowing that your partner is on your side. Even when you disagree, you assume your partner means well. You never impugn your partner's motives.

The happy couples I interviewed had an abundance of goodwill toward each other, and this...was the basis for the freedom and ease they felt with each other. [In unhappy couples,] this spirit of goodwill is conspicuously absent.

Goodwill is: 1) a willingness to focus on positive qualities; 2) an attitude of gratitude; 3) mutual tolerance and acceptance; 4) respect; 5) trust; and 6) the ability to give.

A Willingness to Focus on Positive Qualities

I have a friend who often complains that her husband doesn't see what needs to be done around the house. The irony is that this man is very handy. He does lots of little jobs, he does them well, and promptly. All she will see is that she has to tell him to do every job. My friend is making her own life miserable just by choosing to think about what her husband does not see instead of what he does do.

One woman said to me, "People tell me my husband is conceited, but I just tell them, 'He deserves to be.'" I thought her comment was a delightful way of telling him, "I'm on your side. I love you exactly the way you are."

Experiment: Focusing on the Positive

1. List all the things you don't like about your spouse.
2. Now list all the things you like about your spouse.
3. Make a pact with yourself that you will not mention anything in list #1 to your spouse or to anyone else for 2 full weeks. Mark this on your calendar.
4. Be certain you mention at least 5 things on list #2 to your spouse every day for the next 2 weeks. Think of original ways to compliment your spouse. You also could write a little rhyme or give him or her a little gift as a thank you. Be sure to mention 5 positive qualities every day.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Virtually every happy couple I spoke with mentioned how grateful they are to be with each other. When I asked "How often do you talk about your relationship, and of what does that usually consist?" this is what I often heard:

We are always telling each other how lucky we are to be together and to have the life that we have.

I really feel that Lisa saved my life. I mean she did. I thank her for it every day.

If anything comes up that we need to talk about, we do it right away. But we're always saying how much we love each other. [Not a big Asian thing to do.]

I could detect a slight feeling of awe that they had found each other. Even after many years, they felt their being together was a little miracle. As one man said, "After 32 years, I have finally gotten used to the idea of being happy and of having this extraordinary woman by my side, but it doesn't mean I'm not still extremely grateful." To cultivate an attitude of gratitude in your marriage, spend as much time talking about the good things in your life together as you spend complaining about your problems.

Mutual Acceptance and Tolerance [I can just see her trying to tell this to the wives of axe murderers. :P -RG]

Unconditional love is simply total acceptance. I may be angry, I may feel hurt, I may feel distant. But this doesn't mean that my love is in any way diminished. It is when someone feels sad or anxious or blue that unconditional love is the most important. You need to know that you are loved especially when you aren't being very loving toward yourself.

If I choose to make a full commitment to someone, and then I fall short of it, my failure is a statement about me, not about the other person. It might be more accurate to say, "I have come up against a fear in myself that makes it impossible for me to love you right now, or to love this part of you." When love is conditional, the weakness is not in the object of love, but in the lover.

Accepting something doesn't mean you have to like it; it means you stop fighting it. When one partner is trying to change another, the conflict is usually caused by the partner who is not willing to be accepting, not the partner who is not willing to change.

Make an internal shift so that you can begin to see the qualities that are less desirable to you as acceptable---possibly even endearing.

If you are nagging your partner about something that the person is not likely to be able to change anyway---like talking less for an exuberant woman, or not worrying about his fair share of the bill for a naturally thrifty man---then you are actually creating a problem. Bruce's one complaint about his wife Jan is that she talks too much and tends to dominate conversations. By resisting Jan's talking, Bruce was causing this issue to persist in their lives. After our conversation, he decided to experiment with letting go of his intensity about the whole thing. He stopped mentioning it. Whenever he wanted to get into the conversation, he would very politely say, "Could I interrupt a second?" or "Could I say something?" Jan always stopped and let him talk. When he let himself go along with what was happening naturally, the problem disappeared.

I have found a common difference between men and women is that men often have a need for "alone time," especially at the end of a busy day, whereas women are more likely to be eager for some intimate contact at that time. Misunderstandings have led many couples to say "He's too remote." "She's too demanding." But for example, she could give him 40 minutes to relax by himself. Then he could give her 40 minutes to connect and talk.

For thriving couples, any potential problem was nipped in the bud by their spirit of goodwill toward each other. They didn't take their differences in temperament personally. Because of their ability to be flexible, tolerant, and accepting, they were able to avoid many potential problems.

It does not mean that two people cannot ever ask for change. Instead, a spirit of acceptance in a relationship creates a nonjudgmental, safe atmosphere that makes asking for change much easier. It would be very hard for me to consider changing for you if I felt that your love for me depended on whether or not I changed.

Experiment: Acceptance and Tolerance

1. Make a list of all the things that annoy you about your partner.
2. Rate each item from 1-5, with 1 meaning not integral to who your spouse is, and 5 being extremely integral to who your spouse is.
3. With each item, ask yourself if the problem would go away if you simply became more accepting of whatever it is that annoys you.
4. Make a pact with yourself to avoid mentioning some of these items for 2 full weeks.

Trust and Respect

Couples who thrive have learned to take their mutual trust for granted. Also, mutual respect is a fundamental component.

DONALD: When I say I respect Barbara, I mean that I value her in a way that goes way beyond all the things she does. I respect that she is a wise, old soul, that she is connected to the universe in a way far beyond what I can see. We have been put together for this sojourn on earth, and I have a great responsibility to honor her and treat her well. She's a beautiful and very special spirit.

Respect empowers both the one who respects and the one who is respected.

Giving

In gaining our cherished independence, we have forgotten how nourishing it is to give freely and generously, wanting nothing in return. Of course there is such a thing as unhealthy giving. When you do for other people what they need to do for themselves, you are giving in a way that helps no one.

As one woman put it, "If people would spend less time in their marriages trying to get their needs met and more time going over to rub each other's shoulders, we wouldn't have so many couples in therapy."

Psychologist Harville Hendrix contends that one's deepest, most instinctive self doesn't distinguish between self and other, so that giving to another person is experienced as giving to oneself!

In marriage, you have the opportunity to please yourself and your partner with thoughtfulness and generosity every day. From doing the little favors your partner requests, to offering help, to giving in when your preferences differ, to thinking up lovely surprises, giving is part of the basic design of the tapestry of marriage.

One woman, a feminist, didn't want to be in a position of having to subordinate her needs to those of another. But she had misunderstood what sacrifice really means. When you give in and go to your partner's movie choice instead of your own, you are actually gaining something you prize even more than your movie: the joy of making the person you love happy.

Couples who thrive tend to be more concerned about whether they are giving their fair share than whether they are getting their fair share.

BARBARA: "I have two friends who keep insisting that I acquiesce to Donald too much. His goals have become my goals, and I have given up some of my own in the process. They point out that I don't play bridge anymore and that I dropped out of two singing groups I was in. I spend half my time now promoting his business, making handcrafted furniture.

But I'm only giving to Donald what I want to give. I love working with him. I'm making a huge contribution, and I'm as invested in it as he is now. The whole thing is adding a stimulating new dimension to my life. I'm free to choose not to give to him, and I choose to. If you spend all your time looking after your own needs only, you might as well have stayed single."

Two specific suggestions on HOW to give:
1. People tend to give what they themselves would like to receive, forgetting that the recipient of their gifts might have altogether different preferences. Make a deliberate attempt to find out what your partner wants and how your partner wants to be given to.
2. The most thoughtful and often the most appreciated giving of all is the unsolicited, unexpected gift. Flowers on Valentine's Day don't count as much as flowers on any normal, routine day. Best of all is when you notice something your spouse could use, or you pay attention to a little hint that gets dropped, and you totally surprise your spouse with exactly what he or she most wants.
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Chapter 2 Summary:

1. Focus on the positive qualities of your loved one.
2. Feel gratitude about your life together.
3. Accept even things you don't like much about your partner or relationship.
4. Trust and Mutually Respect each other.
5. Want to give freely to your partner.
All of these qualities reflect and create GOODWILL.