Posted 11:00 AM by Blah blah

Whose Line is it Anyway?

This improvisational comedy show is, to me, THE funniest show on TV. It started in Britain and played for several years before coming to the America, where it's now hosted by Drew Carey. Here's one entire show from its transcript archive:

Episode #219

Drew: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? On tonight's show...please don't squeeze the Greg Proops! [Grep hosted the hilarious dating show Rendez-View. Its website is gone, which seems to tell me "cancellation." :( ] That's funny, he never has a second cup...Wayne Brady. You're soaking in it! Colin Mochrie! And, my bologna has a first name, it's Ryan Stiles! I'm your host Drew Carey, come on down let's have some fun!
Hello, hello! Hey...welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, just like union solidarity to a major league umpire. The points don't matter. Ha ha ha ha.

Uh, if you never saw the show before, what happens is, uh, these guys are gonna come down, they're gonna make up everything you see right off the top of their heads, and then we award them points. I don't know why, the points don't matter. They're like vows at a celebrity wedding, they just don't matter. And uh...(laughs) And then uh, we announce a winner. And then the winner gets to do a little something special, and the loser has to shave the cat. Uhh...so I wouldn't be that good if I was you. Heh heh heh.
Uh, let's get the show started with a game called Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you. Greg, you're gonna be the anchor of a news program. And everybody else is gonna help ya out. Colin, you're the co-anchor. You're way too open about your personal problems.
(Wayne laughs)
Drew: Oh, and it says here you're way too open about your personal problems. Isn't that a coincidence?
(Greg smiles at Colin and nudges Colin with his shoulder)
Drew: Uh, Wayne, you're gonna be doin' the sports. You are an overzealous woman at a church revival meeting. And, Ryan, you're doin' the weather, and you're an ag-heh heh heh. You're an aggressive barfly being repeatedly ejected from a bar. So...you're me. So whenever you hear the music go ahead and start the news, Greg.
(Weird Newscasters music plays)
Greg: Good evening. I'm Alarmingly Huge. And this is the action news. Nationwide law enforcement officials honor the Los Angeles Police Department with a congeniality award. And Arizona changes its state motto to "Damn, it's hot." Colin?
Colin: You know, recently I've gained five pounds. Do you think it's because I'm a cannibal? I don't...ohhh, the boil. (pretends to touch his bum)
Greg: Speaking of...round objects, let's throw it over to Wayne at the sports desk, Wayne.
Wayne: Whoo! Sports! You better play some sports! Look at...(slaps his knees) That's right, like it says, first Ephesians, John eighteen through Zebekiah 29, he who runs the ball, catches the ball, it's good, amen touchdown! Yes! That's what I said! That's what I said! (does a dance) Whoo! Whoo!
Colin: (to Greg) How come you never call anymore?
Wayne: 'Cause you're the devil. (speaks in tongues)
Greg: Now, Colin, it's time to throw it over to the weather desk, because we've got a big holiday weekend coming up. What's on store for us, Ryan?
Ryan: (drunkenly) Thank you Greg. Well, let's have a look at the weather in the weekend. It's gonna be awful, it's gonna be rainin' all weekend. But I can make it sunny for one more drink. I'm just askin' for one more drink, that's all I'm askin' for. (takes an imaginary cigarette out of his shirt pocket and puts it in his mouth) We got clouds rollin' in on Sunday...(is about to light an imaginary match) Oh, I can't smoke in here, is that what you're sayin'? I can't-I hope I have the right suggestion, I've totally forgotten. (smokes the cigarette, gets picked up by the shoulder) Hey! Let go of me! Hey, what are ya doin'? Hey! (is slammed against something) (as a sound effect) Kink! There's a board there! Kink! Hey, what the? Kink! Hey, I can't-Kink! Hey, why don't ya-Kink! Oh, I'm gonna faint now, I can't...(keels over face first) I can't remember my (laughing) sugges-tion.
(Drew gets out of his seat and walks over to Ryan with one of the cue cards. He taps Ryan on the head and shows the card. Ryan reads it. Ryan stands back up.)
Ryan: Oh, you're kickin' me out, are ya? Oh, you're kickin' me out, are ya? Why, you b - oh, you're kickin' me out, are ya? (gets carried behind the stage. A short moment later he walks back onto the stage.) Oh, I'm not leavin' that easy! Oh, I'm not goin' that - (gets picked up again) oh! Okay! Hey, are you repeatedly kickin' me outta here? Stop that! (leaves again) Oh, I'll be back, oh yeah. Taxi!
Greg: Well, thank you for that....report, Ryan. Well, I guess we'll eighty-six the clouds and ask for some sunshine, eh, Col?
Wayne: (clapping and dancing) Just ask! Whoo!
Greg: And, uh...
Colin: Sunshine makes me break out in blisters.
Greg: Sure.
Colin: Big ones, like about this...
Greg: (annoyed) Enough! That's...
Ryan: Oh, I'll get back to ya.
Greg: ...all the...
Ryan: (poking his hand out from behind a fixture on at the back of the stage) I see the...
(Weird Newscasters music plays)
Ryan: Oh, I'll get back...
Greg: Good night, Ryan.
Drew: (buzz) I'll give a thousand points to the quick witted-quick, quick-thinking stagehand, that ran across to help Ryan out.
Ryan: (to the other cast) Who was it? Wasn't it Drew? Oh.
Drew: Have a little of this. (takes a drink from his mug) Heh heh. How come Drew can't read the cards? I dunno.
Ryan: Heh heh heh heh.
Drew: Okay, let's go on to a game called Questionable Impressions. This is for all four of you. I love this game. Questionable Impressions. Greg and Wayne, you're gonna start a scene, but in addition to speaking only in questions, they must also do a different impression every time they come on, (to Colin) even if they can't do impressions, really.
(Colin looks around)
Drew: What I need from the audience is a place where there's a sense of urgency.
(audience shouts suggestions)
Drew: Bus stop. I guess there could be a sense of urgency at a bus stop. Now, if you fail to ask a question, or if the impression is really bad, I'll buzz 'em out, (buzz) and next person can take their place.
(the cast laughs)
Wayne: This'll be quick.
Ryan: Get ready on that buzzer, buddy.
Drew: Yeah. (laughs) So, uh, whenever you're ready, you're at a bus stop. Questionable Impressions.
Wayne: (as Fat Albert) Hey, hey, hey. Where's the bus today?
Greg: (as Daffy Duck) Hold on a minute! Do you know what time the bus stops, buster?
Wayne: Why'd you spit on me?
Greg: What's the matter? (in Wayne's face) Can't stand a little spit? (starts to jump around crazily and goes behind Wayne) Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Wayne: Who the hell are you?
Greg: The question is, who are you?
Wayne: I'm Fat Albert.
(Drew buzzes. Greg watches Wayne leave to the left as Ryan enters from the right)
Greg: (turns around quickly) Trying to sneak up behind me, eh?
Ryan: (as Katherine Hepburn) You wouldn't have an extra transfer I could borrow, would you?
Greg: What do I look like, lady, a driver? I'm a duck!
Ryan: (looks up) Does it feel like it's starting to rain to you?
Greg: (laughs, gives up)
(Drew buzzes. Colin enters.)
Colin: (as Rocky Balboa) Hey, where's the bus?
Ryan: Aren't you the bus driver?
Colin: Why would I be driving a bus, yo? (mimes hitting a punching bag)
Ryan: Well, then why are you wearing a bus driver's outfit?
(Colin shrugs and laughs. Drew buzzes, and Greg replaces Colin. Greg gets on his knees and holds his hands on his head as if his thumbs are his ears)
Greg: (as Yoda) Waiting, you are?
Ryan: Well, aren't you just the cutest little thing I've ever seen?
Greg: Teach you? Will you like to learn?
Ryan: (laughing) Oh, god.
(Wayne replaces Ryan. Wayne walks slinkily to Greg)
Wayne: (as Jar-Jar Binks) Oh, you wait for bus tooo? (uses his hands as floppy ears)
Greg: (trying not to laugh) Y-heh...y-heh...from-from...
Drew: (buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz) Thank you very much. That was a great-that was a great Jar-Jar Binks. We'll be donating ten thousand points in Wayne Brady's name to the NAACP.
(Wayne lowers his head in shame and holds his fist forward)
Drew: Heh heh. That's right, man. It's time we made-
Wayne: I make my people proud!
Drew: It's time we made a stand!
Now let's go on to a game called Scenes From a Hat. This is for all four of you. Greg and Wayne, go to one spot, Ryan and Colin, go to the other. Before the show, we asked the audience to write down different scenes they'd like to see, acted out by the performers. And we take the best ones, and we put 'em in this hat. And I'm gonna read them out, see how many the performers can act out. Let's start with "disconcerting tattoos to find on your girlfriend."
Wayne: Jeffrey lives here? What...?!
Ryan: Come out of there you crazy rabbit?
Greg: What? (reads it upside down) Oh...'this side up.
Drew: (buzz)
Colin: Am I doing all right? Call 555...(confused look)
Drew: (buzz) Unlikely cowboy songs.
Ryan: Things are great in the city! The city! The city! The city!
Drew: (buzz)
Greg: (playing the guitar/banjo?) Well, ma' woman stayed true, and I'm sober.
Ryan: (playing the guitar/banjo?) Oh, I've been on the range for forty-five days, and the cow's lookin' good to meee...
Drew: Unlikely.
Ryan: (raising his voice) to meee!
Drew: (buzz) Unlikely cowboy songs.
Ryan: (lower) to meee...
Drew: (buzz buzz) Unlikely cowboy songs.
Wayne: (playing the guitar/banjo?) Oh, I can't wait, to go to Harlem, I can't wait, no not at all! (throws his hat into the air) Yee-hee!
Drew: (buzz) The worst thing to find in your parachute pack.
Greg: (jumps off of the step, pulls the cord. He looks up with confusion) Miniature Snickers?
Drew: (buzz)
(Colin pulls the cord. A book comes out of the parachute, Colin reads from it.)
Colin: What to do when your parachute doesn't open...
Drew: (buzz) All right. Things you shouldn't do after heavy drinking.
Wayne: I love you...(points to his wedding ring)
Drew: (buzz)
Greg: (Hebrew accent) Now, vere's this boy ve're gonna circumcise?
Drew: (buzz)
Ryan: This is your captain speaking...
Drew: (buzz)
Colin: (reads from a card, tiredly) The points don't matter...
Drew: (drinks from his mug) Questions you'd like to ask a Miss American contestant.
Ryan: Excuse me! Can I get some of that?
Drew: (buzz buzz buzz) We'll be right back with more Whose Line is it Anyway?, don't go anywhere, we'll be right back.

(commercial break)

Drew: Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right...Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show that Hillary Clinton wants to host next year, even though she's never seen it.
(Wayne and Ryan clap)
Drew: Uh, now let's go on to a game called Whose Line. Believe it or not, we have a game called Whose Line, here on Whose Line. Uh, this is for Colin and Ryan. And, in this game, our audience, uh, before the show, we asked out audience to write down random lines...here's Ryan's...
Ryan: Thank you.
Drew: And here's Colin's. Put those in your pocket. They've never seen 'em before, and they have to use those lines during the scene. Uh, you're gonna be acting out a scene from Braveheart. The night before the crucial battle with the English, William Wallace, who is Colin, and his fellow warrior Ryan, realize that they're vastly outnumbered.
Colin: (thick Scottish accent) Och, we're vastly outnumbered! Ach! (Spit falls from Colin's mouth. He wipes his mouth. Colin lifts up his kilt and flashes the enemy.) Och, that didn't a-seem to sway them.
Ryan: I'm a bit worried. I know I took the oath of the Whatever-We-Are's. Unfortunately I'm Dutch. And we Dutch have a saying back in Holland. And that saying is, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"
Colin: Och, we've got to come up with a plan. Or we will-our heads will be cut off and put on a pike and they'll ride through and go, "look, I got a head on a pike!" And I cannot have that!
Ryan: Oh, they're gonna take your freedom, and you know it.
Colin: Oh, they cannot take my freedom, but they can take me haggis. 'Cause I didn't like it much ever-never-never. (wipes lips) Okay.
Ryan: (steps back from Colin) I'm gonna stand over here, if you don't mind.
Colin: Wait, I'm starting to remember what my father told me.
Ryan: Your dear old daddy?
Colin: Do I sound a wee bit like a pirate?
Ryan: Aye, you do. (makes bagpipes sounds) Reeee...reeee...reeee...
Colin: Aye...I'll-I'll sing it then, I'll sing the advice me father gave me.
Ryan: Reeee, a-ree-a-ree-aree-a-ree
Colin: "I am woman, hear me roar."
Ryan: Oh.
Colin: Och, ah...
Ryan: Well...that seemed awful appropriate, didn't it?
Colin: Och, well uh...well, he wore the kilt, you know, I kept thinkin', oh, he looks a w-a wittle bit wike a woman.
Ryan: So you're a woman is what you're telling me?
Colin: No! Och! No, look! (raises his kilt, drops it, then raises it again) Och! I am a woman!
Ryan: You are a woman! Have you not noticed?
Colin: No, I've been too busy shoutin'.
Ryan: Ah, there's nothing wrong with bein' a woman. My mother was the greatest woman (chuckling) that ever lived.
Colin: Aye.
Ryan: She'd wake me up in the morning, she'd said, "wee, Charlie..."
Colin: Oh, you're Irish now.
Ryan: (chuckling) Yes. We moved a lot when I was a child.
Colin: Aye.
Ryan: My father was a military man. She'd say, "aye, boy, get up, it's a new day, and...'my friends all call me Mister Tuggy.'" She was a bit off at the time.
Colin: Aye, I guess so. Och, I've got a plan.
Ryan: Aye.
Colin: There's two of us...
Ryan: One, two, aye, right.
Colin: And ten thousand of them.
Ryan: Right.
Colin: So we'll confuse 'em.
Ryan: You're doing a good job on me!
Colin: We'll run straight through them, shouting our battle cry, and they'll be so a-feared at us with their eyes a-blazin' and their legs a-pumpin', they'll run for cover.
Ryan: Aye, suddenly, I've forgotten the cry.
Colin: How can you forget the cry?
Ryan: I've forgotten it.
Colin: It goes like this..."I see Paris, I see France, I see someone's underpants."
Ryan: I see Paris! (runs and lifts his kilt)
Colin: I see France! (copies Ryan)
Ryan & Colin: I see someone's underpants!
Drew: (buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz) That'll be a thousand points and an apology to everybody watching this from Scotland.
Ryan: Master of dialects.
Drew: Impressions, dialects, you guys do it all.
Ryan: Whatever.
Drew: Let's go on to a game called Three-Headed Broadway Star. This is for Wayne, Ryan, and Colin. They're gonna be helped out by Laura Hall and Linda Taylor. Laura Hall and Linda Taylor. What they're gonna do is, they're gonna pretend to be a strange three-headed Broadway star, and what happens, they have to make up a Broadway song, one word at a time, and what we need from the audience is the name of an unlikely Broadway musical.
(audience shouts suggestions)
Drew: Trashmen. Trashmen, the Broadway musical. And, uh, what would be the name of the hit love song from Trashmen the musical?
(audience shouts suggestions)
Drew: They Threw It Away. The hit love song from Trashmen the musical. Go ahead. One word at a time.
(love song starts)
Wayne: Where
Ryan: are
Colin: the
Wayne: trash
Ryan: men?
Colin: Huh?
Wayne: Where
Ryan: are
Colin: the
Wayne: guys
Ryan: who
Colin: pick
Wayne: up
Ryan: all
Colin: the
Wayne: trash
Ryan: that
Colin: you
Wayne: throw
Ryan: awaaay...
Colin: My
Wayne: mother
Ryan: never
Colin: called
Wayne: me
Ryan: a
Colin: good
Wayne: son.
Ryan: She
Colin: called
Wayne: me
Ryan: a
Colin: bad
Wayne: son.
Ryan: She
Colin: chastised
Wayne: me
Ryan: in
Colin: the
Wayne: most
Ryan: un-us-u-al...
Colin: (high voice) wa-aay.
Wayne: They
Ryan: I
Colin: called
Wayne: you
Ryan: almost
Colin: free.
Wayne: Throw
Ryan: my
Colin: refuse
Wayne: a
Ryan: little
Colin: higher.
Wayne: Throw
Ryan: my
Colin: refuse
Wayne: fartherrr
Ryan: than
Colin: you
(music slows down)
Wayne: ever
Ryan: imagined
Colin: possible.
Wayne: Throw
Ryan: my
Colin: heart
Wayne: a-waaaaaay.
(Wayne, Ryan, and Colin hug each other as the music ends)
Drew: All right. We'll be right back with more Whose Line, find out who the winner is, don't go away!

(commercial break)

Drew: Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? The winner tonight, Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady's the winner. And, uh, what we're gonna do tonight, since we lost, we're gonna do a Hoedown for ya, with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. So what we need from the audience, we need a suggestion of a-a stage of life that causes you anxiety.
(audience shouts suggestions)
Drew: Puberty, Let's do the puberty hoedown. Laura Hall, whenever you're ready, take it away.
Greg: (screechy teenager voice) My voice was high and screechy, my hair was lank and freaky
I walked around the school feeling full-on totally geeky
But the thing I hate most, when I went to the dance
Was getting dragged across the lawn, in my underpants
Drew: Well, I hated high school, I did not have a ball
I just hated, walking through the hall
I hated going to every class
'Cause the pimples on my face. But now they're on my ass!
Colin: The hardest time of my life, was going through puberty
It seemed like everything around, just excited me
Now listen to me now, this isn't one of my rants
When you go through puberty, do not wear sweat pants
Ryan: I didn't handle the puberty thing too well
In fact for me, it was like going to hell
And it was kind of 'barrassing, if the truth be told
'Cause when I went through it, I was forty-two years old.
All: Forty-two years oooold!
Ryan: (over the audience) I'm only forty now.
Drew: Hey! We'll be right back with more Whose Line! Don't go anywhere! Stay right where you are.

(commercial break)

Drew: Hey! Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? We're gonna end the show tonight with, uh, Greg and Wayne readin' the credits. You guys are gonna read the credits as two obnoxious cat-calling construction workers. Good night everybody. Thanks for watchin', see ya next time.
Wayne: (using a jackhammer) Hey...
Greg: Hey...hey, Dan Patterson, look at those.
Wayne: Hey Dan! Hey, Ryan Stiles, whoo-hoo! (tweaks his nipples)
Greg: Jimmy Mulville right here. (gestures to his crotch) Right here.
Wayne: Tom Park, you want some of this over here?
Greg: Park this, huh?
Greg & Wayne: Wayne Brady! (high-five each other)
(Colin and Ryan stand up from their seats and yell something at Greg and Wayne. Ryan start using a jackhammer.)
Wayne: (to Ryan and Colin) Hey, come on over here, hey.
Greg: (mumbles something) Whoa! Whoooa...(shows his butt to Ryan and Colin)
Wayne: How do you like this? Hey, Melinda Cote. Alison Sideris.
Greg: Like it like that, huh? John O' Brien.
(Wayne tries to talk while using the jackhammer, but it vibrates his words)
Greg: I got your Sherrie Lucas right here.