Posted 8:44 AM by Blah blah

A Western View of Dating "Chinese" Chinese (Part 1)

This will be a VERY long set of posts, so have patience. John, the Hangzhou English teacher, made some comments below that sparked the whole thing in my head. He's Caucasian. He said:

Even before coming to China to learn Chinese, most of the girls I've dated have been Asian. After coming to China, I find it frustrating that so many of the Chinese girls I date are SO CHINESE! This is hard to explain, but it's just that those stereotypical female Asian qualities -- quiet, submissive, weak, servile -- are sometimes so TRUE here, and they're such a complete TURNOFF! I choose the American mind (intelligent, independent, and confident) over Asian physical features any day. If those two happen to converge, then all the better. Probably won't happen in China. Good thing I'm not here for the women.
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Tina, on the other hand, is a Chinese-Canadian mixed-race girl in Vancouver, who just returned from working in Beijing. She's an incredible writer. She wrote:

Single in Beijing

The following is something I wrote in June about the experience of the unattached expatriate female in Beijing (based on my personal observations):

Beijing is a fairly easy city in which to live. It has all the amenities that one could want and, if one lives as the Chinese do, it is also relatively cheap. Luxury goods from the first world are also readily available, although they can be expensive and rob you of the fun of discovering a Chinese replacement. After a few months, it is possible to have a wide social circle made up of many different nationalities. Apart from a few health and climatic factors, life in Beijing can be pretty good, plus it has the added cachet of being an exotic foreign city.

For the unattached expat female, however, living in Beijing presents a rather peculiar dilemma---the excessively low likelihood of forming a meaningful long-term romantic relationship. There are a few reasons for this, a few of which will probably send the men at home running for the streets of Beijing.

First reason: many expatriates already come in neatly-packaged couples. They made the decision to come to China together and rarely venture out of their reproduced nest except to meet up with other shiny couples. Although I wasn't looking for a romantic attachment when I arrived in China, I couldn't help but notice that the first few attractive guys I met after arriving all turned out to be in serious relationships.

Second reason: there is the issue of young Chinese women. Although I suppose one can say this in any nation of the world, China seems by dint of its population size and resulting probabilities to be rather well-endowed with beautiful women. I saw them everywhere. Long shiny black tresses, translucent skin, and tall, thin, willowy figures (particularly in northern China). In addition, despite attempts by the Communist government to nurture a strain of liberated iron ladies, most of these women have not yet broken out of the cutesy, simpering role that we deride in the West; they save breaking out of this for after marriage. They giggle behind their hands, lean on their men, and expertly bat their lashes. Men and women participate equally in courtship roles I imagine were popular in the west in the first half of the twentieth century. It seems that young Chinese women here know a thing or two about femininity, making a girl like me who can barely stand in spindly-heeled strappy sandals feel vastly inferior. Although perhaps not in quite the same category, I suspect it's vaguely similar to the feeling of being a North American female among the intimidatingly thin and well-fashioned women of Paris.

Third reason, one which is not unrelated to the second: the single expatriate males in Beijing are generally uninterested in the expat females. This can be attributed to the fact that many of the men are far from home, and even the less-monied ones are still rich enough to live a profligate lifestyle. So they go out and drink, flirt with Mongolian prostitutes, and make it known that they want sex without strings. If willing and emotionally able, there are considerable opportunities for expat females to become momentarily involved with these men. Anything more meaningful is not typically available. This is compounded by reason number two; there isn't exactly a dearth of Chinese women who are extremely attractive, both in looks and behaviour. For men who are tired of or threatened by assertive, independent, and strong-minded women, the giggles and eyelashes of many Chinese women are very appealing. For the expat woman, then, it is perhaps unsurprising that most of the male expats revel in the kind of attention that Chinese women seem willing to bestow upon them. Men who are dysfunctional when it comes to women back home become magnets for surprisingly attractive Chinese women.

Final reason: although there is a burgeoning scene of Western women targeting hip Chinese avant-garde artists and musicians, female expats are pretty much universally not attracted to Chinese men. I want to qualify this statement by adding that I am referring to mainland Chinese men, born and raised in China, and embedded with what I would characterize as a sexist attitude towards women. Not surprisingly, many Western women don't find this attractive. Alternatively, there are the Chinese men who are in awe of western women, something that females don't usually like in their men. However, when awe and attention is bestowed on a Western man by a Chinese women, it is perceived as desirable.

So where does this leave the expat female? Pretty much empty-handed, while expat men have the sexual power. They can have their pick of women, while Western women typically only want the Western men. This is not the ideal environment for forming meaningful or long-term romantic relationships. Although I was not actively searching for a partner, I formed this general impression while living in the city - it was quite difficult to ignore. On a personal level, I also seemed to be in the weird situation of being kind of Chinese in my interactions with men but not quite totally Chinese, particularly in behaviour.

Okay, yes, I am generalizing but this was the topic of many discussions - not instigated by yours truly - while I was living in Beijing. Having discussed this subject with many people who have been living in Beijing for awhile - both male and female - I think I can say that this is a fairly accurate representation of the experience of unattached expat females. And, yes, as I'm sure some of you will scramble to tell me, I realize that there are definitely exceptions as well as whole layers of complexity on which I have not even touched.
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Comments on her entry:

Haha... 2 comments: 1) SO TRUE!!! 2) The women in Southern China are also hot. OK, so I guess this comment isn't turning out encouraging, exactly. But you knew the situation when you described it. I'll just end by saying that there is some hope for the female expat here. Really.
posted by John [the same John I quoted above!]

That's funny. Hi Tina. Interesting you call yourself a "hybrid" ... I usually call Asian-Caucasian mixed girls "Hapas" even though it's generally for Japanese/White. Anyhow, these mixed girls are generally very "FOINE" ... so it's suprising that you didn't get any action while in China. If there were actual single expat girls in my area, I'd be about it. I came to China fully prepared and independent. Long-distance relationships don't work, ever. Funny you say this: "Men who are dysfunctional when it comes to women back home become magnets for surprisingly attractive Chinese women." It is spot-on in accuracy, it don't matter if you white, hispanic, black, or even ABC in my case, being from a different culture is completely sexy and NEW and mysterious to Chinese girls. Think about it - Chinese girls rarely get a chance to see anyone other than Chinese boys and I'm sure in your experience, they not only LOOK younger than their age, but they also ACT younger than their age and immaturity sucks. If you have the balls, or ahem, the bravery to go to a foreign country, well, you're mature beyond your age and your peers. I'll stop here, but good post Tina!---Wilson, a Chinese American fan in Hangzhou, China.
posted by Wilson Tai [of Racingmix, which I mentioned before]