Posted 10:23 AM by Blah blah

A Relationship is Like a Church

One of my best friends, a Korean guy named Jae, just called me last night from Seoul. He'll be coming here for a while and I'm picking him up from the San Francisco airport this morning. Yeah baby!

By Heather of Rabbit Blog. Heather writes for Salon.com and has one of the most amusing and insightful blogs I've ever seen. I think she's very wise:

Dear Rabbit Face,
What do you do when you are having troubles in your relationship? When you are both funny and cynical and smart, but it's been six years together and you are no longer certain about anything anymore? Is monogamy for real? I mean I know it isn't for rabbits, but what about humans?
Confused in Cali

Dear Confused,

I think relationships should be built slowly, starting with a friendship and trust at the foundation, good sex on the first floor, good friends and family on the second floor, intimacy and communication and other frills on the third floor, and extremely tasty food served throughout the structure, Monday through Saturday, with Sundays reserved for a big breakfasts out on the town (but not at one of those rock 'n roll hipster breakfast joints where the wait is too long and the music is too loud and the food isn't very good) and Thai delivery for dinner, eaten on the couch while watching the Sopranos.

So you've lived in your relationship for six years. Have you redecorated at all? Built any additions? Or do you not have the disposable income and extra energy for that? Is it a struggle just to pay the bills? Just to keep the toilet from backing up, just to herd the dustbunnies, and knock down the spiders' webs?

If all you have left is maintenance and high gas bills, it's no wonder you want to move out. Maybe you need to cancel cable and use the money you saved to paint a room red. To keep things from sinking irretrievably into the land of the stale and the dead, you have to take some bold steps, be honest, shake up the status quo. Maybe you need to rip out the hedges in back and put in a pool. Maybe you need to turn the garage into a disco.

Lately I've been thinking that the structure of a relationship is less like a house and more like a church. You can use your relationship in a functional way: It keeps me warm. It's comfortable. I always know that I can come back to it. But those things are easy to take for granted after a while: I'm tired of this fucking house. I want a house with a bigger back yard, with bigger bedrooms, with more bathrooms. I want a house with great big tits.

But if your relationship is a church, it serves more than just a practical function. You turn to it not just to get your practical needs met, but to give and receive ideas, emotions, and beliefs. Together, you and your partner create a vision of what you want from your lives, and you discuss your ideals about what two people might be able to give to each other, in the best of all possible worlds. A house is practical and comfortable, but a church is a place where ideals don't feel awkward and out of place.

Part of being a good couple, I think, is refusing to be embarrassed in front of your partner, or to allow your partner to feel ashamed of who they are. To make sure that you don't slide into some chasm of untruthfulness and hiding from each other, I think it's a good habit to embarrass yourself and push the limits of self-expression, in moderate doses, every day. I'm not talking about farting in the bed here. You'll do that regardless. I'm talking about making the guy read a poem you wrote, or making that woman listen to a song that you loved in 7th grade, and then telling her why you loved it. If two people are going to feel good about themselves within a relationship, they need to feel that they can show their true selves to their partner and be met with love and acceptance. It's amazing how self-conscious and judgmental a relationship can become, if both partners are prone to falling back into their own alienated little self-protective shells.

In short, monogamy is for real if you believe it is. But to build your faith, you have to be selfless, focused, and trusting. You have to lead by example---you can't just preach or be a martyr about everything. You have to feel genuinely grateful for the other person, and you have to express that gratefulness every day. You have to sincerely want to make the other person happy, without fear that they'll take advantage of you or take you for granted.

Like I said, it's an idealistic venture. But if you can somehow manage to embrace the same ideals together, you'll have a relationship that feels like a living thing, not some emptied out memory of the good time you had back when you were in love.

Best of luck,

Rabbit
______________________
Dear Rabbit
I recently read your post comparing a relationship to a church. I found it interesting. However, I have a slight problem with it. It's all fine and dandy for a Christian, but do you have a good metaphor for an Atheist? I mean church metaphors don't really fly with Atheists.
Godless in Seattle

Dear Godless,

Who are you calling a Christian?

I'm doubtful about the existence of God, but that doesn't mean that discussing relationships in terms of leaps of faith and shared beliefs makes me feel all dirty inside.

Still, let's see if I can come up with a good metaphor for a relationship between atheists who are offended by church metaphors. How about... your relationship is like a windowless cell in a high-security prison, where you can't see or hear your fellow inmates, can't even imagine what they might be going through, and why would you bother, really, since it would just be speculation? The guards who work at the prison are always out of sight, but by the sound of their voices alone, you know that they're colorless subhuman clones with no verbal or physical ticks, no charming anecdotes or rich personal histories to share, and no interest in you. You could speculate what it might be like to live as a colorless subhuman clone, but wouldn't that just be a waste of time?

Every now and then a plate of nondescript food comes sliding under the bars of your cell. You're not sure which meal it is because you don't know what time of day it is, and what would it matter either way? The food is tasteless and textureless. You find it interesting.

Less holy than thou,

Rabbit