Posted 7:11 PM by Anonymous

Happy Happy Joy Joy

It has been a long while since my last post and my sincerest apologies to Raymond for not being more consistent. Life tends to pick up her pace when you least expect it, giving your world a good hard shake as if to ensure that you haven't become complacent. My little world has been given a couple of violent shakes and I'm still reeling from it. Readers of my journal probably now know that I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) not too long ago, and that has taken quite a toll on me mentally even though I've been good about keeping a smile on my face and shoving negative thoughts away as soon as they begin to creep into my head. I have been uneasy and afraid and sometimes angry. Last night I was at my uncle's place for a Diwali (Indian New Year) puja (religious ceremony) that our family gathers to perform every year and I met my little cousin for the first time since I saw him when he was only two hours old. He was beautiful. My heart cracked and broke. The reality of my situation hit me just then--and quite hard.

Truth be told, I can't afford to have a child now. I don't want to have children for a few years yet. Even with a deadline of sorts being imposed on my ability to procreate, I cannot--in good conscience--make a monumental decision that I know is wrong for me just to have children before it's too late. This is what I have been thinking about very much lately. On one hand I could consider an arranged marriage, wed a nice man, and start trying to have children. On the other hand I can let Life unfold as it must and wait to fall in love. Whether I can have children by that point is something that is out of my hands. Adoption is always an option, and a good one. At twenty-one this is not something I want to think about and I think in a few days I will be able to make my peace with it and let things go.

But I am happy. The end of the year is my favorite time and as Christmas trees begin to go up and Diwali celebrations are in full swing, I feel joy swell up inside me and I am very excited about my life. This is a good time to sit back and take stock of all that has transpired and figure out where one is headed. Two days ago I celebrate Samhain with a heart full of love and happiness, and as the sun crawls through Sagittarius and into Capricorn on Yule, I will be rushing to the post office to send of Christmas cards and looking forward to the return of a very important Boy. When I turn twenty-two I have the privilege of actually beginning a new year. I am grateful for the love and magic and even the sorrow of the year that is winding down.

"Happiness is a healthy mental attitude, a grateful spirit, and a heart full of Love."

Late, but bright and sweet blessings to you and yours on Samhain.