Posted 8:48 AM by DUH

Romance Report

So am dating R now. R is a top official of government. He is a lawyer. He has a unique taste in cars. He's smart. He's funny. He's quiet. He's suave. I like him. He likes me. He's a good friend. I like how he smells I like how he manages his life. I don't love him. And that's about it.

I can't even call it "dating." I think the word "dating" is the wrong word to use 'cause it usually assumes that the eating out and watching a movie should lead to something bigger. I would rather call it "going out" because it has less of the attached meaning that comes along when you call two people "dating."

There's a pressure, I suppose, when people call it "date" when this series of dining out and going to the movies or even shopping could just very well mean "potential good friend" instead of the usual "potential husband." There's a bigger percentage of failure when you approach someone as "potential marriage material" instead of "potential friend." After all, jeez, it's just a date!

I sound really defensive. : )

So why am I being defensive all of a sudden? Hahaha! Is it my period? Is it me still not over V? Is it me afraid of committing because every single time I get into a relationship, I get hurt real bad? Is it me thinking all good relationships turn out terrible in the end anyway the way my parents' marriage did?

Okay I suppose THAT isn't right either. Because the minute you think that the guy you're dating is a potential friend instead of a potential husband (which means you really don't like the guy that way, come on, who are YOU kidding), you just feel SAFE with that guy and that means going out with him is wasting each other's time. Maybe you're even using the guy to sort your feelings out and make you feel human again. Maybe he's just using you to fill out his free time. Maybe it's better to just be alone, not get hurt and stop dating. Sigh. Why am I so cynical?

The thing is, when you've been terribly burned so many times by the flames of love, you want to be really sure it's really worth it when you get near that lighted candle again. Otherwise, it's better to just feel its warmth from a distance. Or is that really my point?

Okay, maybe it's this: Maybe people shouldn't really allow oneself to get consumed by love's flame at all. Maybe love isn't about passion and rollercoaster emotions. When you give yourself too much, you lose the one thing the other person has learned to love. Which leaves him with somebody else other than the person he originally knew. Which leaves you with a rather strange version of yourself.

Maybe it's all those sappy romance movies that have warped women's brains which makes millions of women think to love is to be consumed whole hog and forget oneself. Blame it on Meg Ryan and Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart and all those sappy romance books. Maybe.

Am still not sure. After many relationships, there is still so much to learn and understand about this thing called love.

One thing I've learned, though, you NEVER compromise yourself for anyone, not even for someone you love. Love isn't about being consumed by the flame of passion. It's about having your OWN flame. And with two flames burning side by side, you see the world in a better light. You light each other up without burning each other into stumps.

Okay. My hands are up. I AM dating R. This time, it's quiet, it's comfortable, it's a reassuring love. We are two separate candles quietly lighting up each other's worlds. And it's a real change for me. I welcome the change and hope it turns out for the best. : ) If not, I STILL have a potential good friend.