Posted 10:31 AM by Blah blah

More of my friends are getting laid off. Boy do I feel lousy. In that spirit, here's a great San Francisco ad from Craigslist:

You checked out my ass, how about my resume?

Me: thin young white guy 25, 6', 150lb; muscular, sexy, unemployed

You: manager/HR/executive looking person on the N Judah, 6 PM today

You checked me out as I got on, and stared at my ass from Embarcadero to Civic Center. You kept looking at my face and hands as I stood nervously, seeking your approval. Would you contact me? Can we meet up?

I think I've emailed you; at least the chances are good. I've sent my resume to most every valid email address on the 415 side of the Bay Area's OC-3's. I'm hungry for work. I do IT. I can network most anything. I can design web pages. I can reboot NT boxes, though I would rather work with Mac OS X. But hell, who says my needs are important? I want to serve yours.

Rendezvous with me for a casual interview. I can fulfill all your fantasies. I'll whisper in your ear sweet promises: "you can have a Macintosh on your desk. I will make it happen; I will make it work. I'll show you how."

I'll load up your computer with software I picked up from my last employer. Heck, I won't even roll my eyes when you open macroviruses in Outlook. I'll just be glad to keep busy serving your needs. I need you, really I do. I miss being in a relationship. Being needed. Being courted by employees in search of backup retrievals, regardless of the reason. Being honored and lauded after solving the simplest of problems for end users. Yes, I can get back your bookmarks. I can get that screwed up Word file to print. Yes, I can set up a secure VPN to your home so you can check Outlook email over your DSL connection.

I will shake your toner cartridges with passion; I will replenish your consumables. I will crawl under your desk and gently straighten your cables, all if you let me. Choose me from the thousands of resumes that fall off your desk. I am special. I am proficient. And I am a hot young man who will excite you every time you call me over for assistance with your palm pilot.

But you have to make the first step. I can only help you if I have a place in your company. I long for it; I yearn to be needed by you and to fulfill your demands. Hire me, promote me, send me emails asking for help and I will solve your problems.

But first you must read my resume and be impressed. Please, take the leap, reach out and grasp those sheets of earnest sincerity, the outpouring of my strengths, optimized for OCR scanning. Let me shower you with my experience; meet with me and ask me about my weaknesses and all those other hard interview questions that no one has asked me for so long.

I've ejaculated more this week than I've interviewed in the last year. I am so inexperienced. Take my hand and help me through it. You can stare at my ass the whole time. I won't complain. I won't even file a grievance. Not for the first six months. You can even walk up to my desk and touch my hand as you ask for help with your PowerPoint slides. Massage my neck as I install service packs on your laptop.

I can do anything. I'll set up a wireless network for you. I will add sets to your PBX. Shoot, I'll set up IP Telephony phone sets if you want me to. I'll videotape meetings and stream them on the Intranet for telecommuters. I am a genius. I am pretty attractive. And I have nice abs.