Posted 2:04 PM by Blah blah

Funny Replies to Spam

Miyu recently got an anonymous "love letter" from Africa. For FUNNY replies YOU can make to spam, check out:

The Kizombe Correspondence (one woman traded letters with one of those Nigerian scammers which I am sure you get all the time now). Two of her letters to him:

From: Elizabeth Hanes
To: kizombe kamara
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2001 11:10 AM
Subject: Re: my responce/original documents

Dear Kizombe,

I'm saddened. Do you think I don't trust you? I don't understand why you feel you have to send me scans of documents in order for me to believe your story. It hurts my feelings that, even after this long e-mail correspondence, you keep our relationship so businesslike. I thought we were friends.

Nevertheless, since you feel we must provide visual proof of our commitment to each other, I've included scans of several documents for your perusal. I think you'll find them interesting and hope they'll show you how committed I am to making this deal work.

Here is my 5th grade report card:
(image removed)

As you can see, I was an excellent student who made good marks.

And here is a copy of one of my 4-H records:
(image removed)


I realize my documents don't have all the official-looking stamps, seals, and signatures that yours do, but I hope you'll accept them as proof of my genuine nature. I particularly wanted to include this 4-H record because it has my picture on it.

I wish you'd send me a photo of yourself, Kizombe. I've come to think of you as the unwanted son I never had. And that makes me feel good. Having a photo to put with your name would be very helpful to me.

You know, Kizombe, it gets lonely up here in our mountain enclave, with the militia members patrolling the perimeter day and night to keep us safe from any Al-Quaida forces that may be lurking in the forest around us. Sometimes, we hear them at night. Oh, sure, they may sound simply like deer grazing, but we know better. Still, the isolation freezes a hole of loneliness deep into me. Sometimes, I feel like an ice fisherman, perched atop a perfectly drilled hole, waiting -- waiting -- for the fish of my dreams to surface.

Have you ever thought about marrying, Kizombe? Don't you long for a wife, a beautiful woman who may be carrying a little too much weight on her hips and thighs but nevertheless could be called "handsome" in her own way? A competent, sturdy woman who could bear your children and chop your wood? Perhaps I could be that woman for you, Kizombe.

But I digress.

You asked for all my "particulars," and I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that. So, I'm going to give you all the information I think you'll need to create whatever paperwork is necessary for us to transact this deal. Here is the information:

NAME: Savannah June Lawless (my real, legal name)
AGE: Perpetually 39
MEASUREMENTS: 40C-32-36
HAIR COLOR: usually highlighted blonde, sometimes red, often brunette
EYE COLOR: blue
SIGN: Scorpio
MARITAL STATUS: single
BLOOD TYPE: O+
ADDRESS: 1827 Main Street Apt. A,
Ciudad La Llorona, New Mexico, 87331-0997, Estado Libre de Nuevo Mexico D.F.
TELEPHONE: 505-555-9493
FAX: --

Dang it, Kizombe, I forgot to tell you. My fax machine broke! So, I hope you haven't tried to fax me anything yet. Don't worry -- I'm working on getting it fixed and will let you know ASAP when it's working again. I apologize for this inconvenience. Well, you know, Murphy's Law and all that! It was bound to happen.

Also, I'll be on vacation next week to celebrate Christmas. This means I won't be able to answer your e-mail between the dates of 23 December and 29 December. So, if you send me something and don't hear back right away, don't get worried. OK?

I hope you are keeping yourself well and not getting shot at too often. Keep your head down! (A little joke, there.) And Happy Kwanzaa to you!

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

From: "Elizabeth Hanes"
To: "kizombe kamara"
Sent: Thursday, December 20, 2001 9:24 AM
Subject: Re: REPLY ME KIZOMBE

Dear Kizombe,

It has not been a good day. First, I broke a nail as soon as I arose this morning. Then, I dropped the coffee pot, shattering it into a million pieces and spilling coffee all over the kitchen floor. When I went outside, I discovered one of my goats had dropped dead overnight. And it's not even 9am yet. What does the rest of the day have in store?

I am sorry you did not find the telephone number working. I have a confession to make. I don't have a telephone. I reside in such a remote area that I can't get phone service. It's just as well; I couldn't afford a phone even if I had one.

But the good news is, a friend of mine (who is completely discreet and trustworthy) has agreed to accept your faxes. Here is the number you can fax all the documents to: 202-406-5031. Please send everything immediately and I will sign all paperwork.

I have attached my photo, as you requested. I'm a little shy about sending it to you, wondering how you'll feel once you see what I look like. I've been called "beautiful" by many of my boyfriend-cousins, but perhaps I don't meet your standard for loveliness. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

If I sound depressed, it's because I am. Christmas is next Tuesday, and I don't see how I can afford to buy gifts for all 10 of my children. What kind of Christmas will it be without presents? I mean, sure, I made monkey puppets out of old work socks for them, but the 17-year-old will be less than thrilled with that. He has his heart set on a new car. I suppose I could give him the family moonshine recipe, handed down through the generations. Perhaps setting up a shiny new still would raise his spirits. There's nothing like corn likker to put a smile on one's face at Christmas time!

I wonder if I could ask you a favor. I know you want me to be happy. Maybe you could send me some money to tide me over. The problem is, all of my fortune is tied up in investments. I am extremely cash poor. If you could see your way clear to send me a check for, say, $15,000, then I could give my children the Christmas they deserve. You could simply deduct the money from my share of the $16 million. Consider it an "advance" against my commission for helping you out. I'd really appreciate it. You have my mailing address. Please send certified funds by overnight express delivery so I get it in time. You are sweet!

And how lovely of you to invite me to Sierra Leone for Christmas. Ah, Christmas in war-torn Africa. How utterly romantic!! I would like nothing more than to hop on a jet to St. Moritz for the holidays -- all hot tubs and champagne and apres-ski (if you get my drift!) But alas, I cannot even afford to pay my electricity bill.

It's so difficult living here in Estado Libre de Nuevo Mexico. We're such a small country. And so much strife. Just last night, a gun battle at the El Nido saloon took the life of a dear friend (and, I think, the father of my 3rd and 5th children). He was a good man and didn't deserve to die. All because of a disputed high-stakes darts game. It's madness, sheer madness! I can so totally relate to what you're going through down there. My first husband was killed when he intervened in a bitch-slapping fight during a Mary Kay party gone bad. My second husband, Cousin Bubba, died when his 69 Camaro fell down off the jack stands while he was putting muffler tape on the tail pipe. And it's extremely dangerous to walk down main street because after Father Gonzales de Smith gets into the sacramental wine at lunch, he likes to crawl onto the church roof with a BB gun and take potshots at the Presbyterians while shouting, "Repent, ye infidels!" If my country weren't so poor, we could afford better police protection or even a navy. But when the primary occupation consists of nighttime raids into the U.S. to shoplift boxes of Cheez-Its from 7-11s along the border, it's difficult to establish a tax base to fund such luxuries.

I hope all is well with you and look forward to receiving your reply and, most importantly, that check in certified funds we discussed. Thank you, Kizombe!

Yours truly,
Elizabeth

(Photo of a woman with a black beard.)

The Spam Letters (one man bares his soul to spammers, one after the other!) Especially this letter, Someone is interested in you.