Posted 2:52 AM by Anonymous

Whoah ...

He's here, on IM. I'm seeing him for the first time since he confessed. And it's weird. Because he's so close, yet so far - physcially, I'm not even sure where he is. But virtually, he's barely a mouseclick away. And we're both pretending that we don't see the other. Or at least I am. He's probably too ashamed to acknowledge me.

I was doing so well before this. Barely thinking of him. Feeling almost like my old self again, positive, excited, happy. Any thoughts of him that were poised to enter my mind, I'd somehow, very surely, brush away.

But I wasn't prepared for this reaction. This sudden disgust. An almost nauseating feeling. My heart pounding rapidly in my chest. The anger, the hurt, brewing, threatening to errupt ... it's as if the feelings were simmering, not truly dismissed, not at all. Merely pushed aside. God, I feel sick and awful again.

And I keep clicking over to IM to still see his name there. He's right THERE. And we're not talking. And he's within reach ... do you know, you motherfucker, what you did to me, what you're still doing to me? I didn't realize how much I still detested you. How much what you did fucking hurt me, scarred me. God damn you. God seriously damn you.

Shit ... all my progress is unravelling again ... shit.