Posted 11:25 AM by Blah blah

What I Look For in a Woman

Here's what I seek or have sought in an "ideal" girl. It's my "LIST." I stress that this is IDEAL and I am willing to accept and work with differences from it.

Since I know several girls, mostly taken, who fit most or all of these qualities, I don't think my requirements are THAT super demanding. I've thought about my list very carefully and wrote it after lots of soul-searching. Like Jenny Cu says, everything on these lists is there for a reason. I've tried to cut out optional stuff and put only REQUIRED stuff or very common patterns for me in girls I date.

I believe that everyone should have a "list." Yes, we must be flexible, patient, and tolerant with each other, especially after we get married. Yay for great patience. However, we still need to clearly understand ourselves and what qualities work with us. It saves time and heartache in finding our mates. It relieves some uncertainty and helps prevent us from being fully swept up in someone's sexual attraction or the emotion of a moment.

I've known guys who really had no clue what they wanted, who went after any girl they found cute. In the end, they are unhappy but don't know why, waste lots of energy trying to change the girl, and leave with a sour taste. I find it much better to find the essential qualities in a girl there to start with.

Here are, in a nutshell,

MY FAVORITE WOMEN.

It's hard to find people with whom I can have really great (wide-ranging, deep, funny) conversations, who really try to understand who I am and are articulate and expressive themselves. That's one of the main traits I find attractive. I see so little of it in normal life.

Another major trait is someone who inspires me. How she deals with adversity and tragedy, how she organizes or works towards her ambitions in life, despite her weaknesses. This type of person makes me want to become a better person.

Also, someone who appreciates me (in all aspects) and sees the good and potential in me, instead of dwelling on the negative or the present. She must have imagination. Again, this is very attractive.
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Short version of my lists...

FOR INITIAL ATTRACTION:

1) Cuteness
2) Communication skills, especially with ME. Skill to make witty banter with me.
3) Intelligence (book and street smarts)
4) A good and easy laugh
5) An artistic side and way of viewing life
6) Maturity

WOMEN I LIKE DATING TEND TO BE: [These are details I've noticed, from my past history.]

- Artistic.
- Romantic.
- Very feminine, but with substantial inner strength for the troubles of life.
- Laughing often with a delightful voice, even at my poor attempts to be funny. Good at telling a riproaring story herself.
- Empathic, with great insight into people.
- Maybe a little shy with strangers but can open up completely to me.
- Willing to try new, crazy schemes for fun, or at least consider them with a wink.
- Working in marketing, media/journalism, health care, sales, finance, science, technology, education, fashion, or the liberal arts.
- A travel-bug who thinks spending two weeks with me in India or Saudi Arabia is a great adventure.
- Foreign-born. (Not required, just was that way before.)
- Pretty enough.
- They have a sense of style. Know how to dress. Tend to like fashion magazines like In Style or Vogue.

LONG-TERM QUALITIES:

1. Courage and self-confidence
2. Maturity
3. Cheerfulness and optimism
4. Curiosity and sense of humor
5. Energy and liveliness
6. Loyalty, determination, and dedication
7. Style and fashion
8. Capacity to inspire
9. Good communication skills and ability to banter with me
10. MOST importantly, appreciation of and chemistry with me

I divided it into three parts, because that's how we approach potential girlfriends. There's the initial attraction, where a guy makes the crucial decision to go for a girl or not.

Then there's the "beginning to date" stage. I have a pattern of dating girls that fit this middle list. But I stress that these things, like being "foreign-born," are not absolute requirements. Actually, I've met some great American-born girls this year.

Finally, I list the "long-term qualities" that make me want to keep the fire burning with someone. I really want this in a wife.

Let me explain each.

For Initial Attraction

1. Cuteness. I have a wide range of looks I consider physically attractive. Compared to some of my guy friends, I am actually less demanding in the looks department. The girl with whom I had a three-year relationship would be considered "overweight" by Asian standards. I didn't care. She was so wonderful in everything else, that her chubbiness actually grew sexy to me. Sigh. I have a lot of women friends I consider "pretty." If you look in my photo album or have seen some of the girls' pictures in this blog, you'll get my idea of what I mean by "cute."

2. Communication skills. Since I love to listen, write, and speak, I find any woman who does these things well instantly more attractive. But it's not being a master of eloquence or English grammar. What's more important is how well we communicate with each OTHER. Whether we have that easy wit, the give-and-take of a fast tennis match, the ability to stop talking on a dime and blink those baby eyes and just LISTEN to each other. A perceptive, highly responsive listener is one of the most flattering and attractive things I know on earth. Of course I equally try to listen with the same intensity and 100%
concentration.

3. Intelligence. Both book and street smarts, preferably. A little sophistication about how the world works shows curiosity and an interest in life outside ME ME ME. Emotional and social intelligence is a must. I love people who are sensitive to non-verbal communication and know how to enjoy themselves in any social setting. Curiosity is also a must. No one is more boring than a person without curiosity, without the continual desire to learn, who thinks she knows it all.

4. Laughter and cheerfulness. Having grown up in a negative family, and having been surrounded by pessimists, I don't want any draining, depressing relationships. Having the wacky sense of humor I do, and being an optimist, I look for someone who shares that romantic, quirky view of life and who greets you and negative situations with a twinkle in her eye. Someone who laughs easily will enjoy the ride. Someone who's uptight will spoil it.

5. Artistic side. I have an artistic nature. That writer's view of life is an essential part of my being. Yes, I can sometimes be dreamy, but then I was a chemical engineer, one of the most practical ugly majors around. If a woman doesn't have an artistic view of life, she takes things more literally, gets upset by conventional problems like waiting in long lines, gets bored easily when she has free time, etc. She lacks the ability to transcend the humdrum of everyday life. She lacks romance. Plus she probably doesn't dress with style.

6. Maturity. Mainly I seek emotional maturity. The ability to deal with all sorts of unpredictable mishaps in life, to stay calm and look at problems with perspective, to bounce back smiling from failure, to keep promises, to deal well with various types of people, and to show leadership qualities. Intellectual maturity is also a plus. Having studied something with some depth, being a thoughtful person who likes to read, and being a good listener.

I Tend to Date This Type

1, 2. Artistic and romantic. Explained above. I am not a sappy romantic. Too much drippy sentiment is nauseous. Subtle and quiet romance is best.

3. Feminine. I do not like to date "masculine" women, whether they are super businesslike, very competitive, abrupt speakers, or speak coarsely and rudely, etc. I don't find them romantic or relaxing, plus I wonder if they will ever find five minutes to fit me into their schedules. A girl with a soft voice is also a turn-on. As you know from reading this blog, I love women who push themselves to their maximum potential, who challenge themselves to be better. You can be ambitious but still be girly and feminine.

4. Laughs easily. Covered above. If she can tell funny stories herself, that's a big plus. I don't know many girls who are good at telling them.

5. Empathic. EQ, or emotional intelligence. Covered above. Since I call myself the "male Oprah" and am an amateur psychologist, it's a pleasure to find someone who understands what makes people tick. It also makes life with someone that much easier.

6. Can open up completely to me. I've known a lot of "shy" girls who act completely boldly and non-shy with me. If she can show vulnerability and openness, that's the main way to forge that deep emotional bond with someone. If she's very suspicious and cautious about revealing who she is or how she feels, forget it. Next.

7. Adventurous. Life is a risk. To enjoy and get the most from it, we need to be courageous, do things without all the information, and be the naughty rebel sometimes. That means both physically and emotionally adventurous.

8. Working in... Don't take this list of fields that literally. I tend to like and get along well with scientists, marketers, journalists, teachers, and artists (fashion designers, entertainers, writers, singers). That girl I was with for three years was a chemist. Accountants? No thanks.

9. Enjoys adventurous travel. When I travel, I talk shamelessly to strangers, try all the local languages and cuisines, endure physical discomfort for the sake of interesting experiences, and so on. Life itself is the most adventurous journey we could ever take. If she has no joy for travel or adventure, she might as well go back to her convent.

10. Foreign-born. Again, not a requirement. I just tend to get along well with foreigners. I dated a girl from Italy before. A French woman with whom I had dinner last year said I have a more European way of thinking. Most of my friends tend to be from big cosmopolitan cities (Paris, New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Shanghai, Seoul, Manila, Taipei, etc.) I lived in International House Berkeley for four years, dealing with people from over 60 countries.

11. Looks. Again, cute is enough. Not sizzlingly beautiful. Of course I won't complain if she's a hottie. But we all have our beautiful days and our ugly days, our times when we look like a mess. I understand that and don't judge women by that standard of appearance all the time. I know how much work women must go through to stay beautiful and kissable. Guys too!

12. Fashion sense. Style. This relates to being artistic. For women who wear jeans, T-shirts, or sneakers on a date---sorry, please go back to the drawing board. The women I like tend to like fashion magazines and women's magazines. One of my Filipina women friends is actually an image consultant on the side. She helps women look more beautiful. That said, I'm not exactly the most stylish guy. But I keep working at it and like to dress nicely. Ask Sandy (*wink*).

Long-Term Qualities

I've explained them here in detail. Some overlap with those above.

So you see, I'm picky but not unrealistically picky. When I do meet girls like these, I get their numbers right away.

For some other people's lists of their ideal girl/guy, here are

- Phlin's list (his name is Paul)
- Sonially's list
- Jenny Cu's "perfect guy" list
- Bruinwill's "perfect girl" list. See how much more reasonable I am? *Wink*