Posted 6:51 PM by hx

love again
o elusive, delusive, illusive Love!

i still don't know what it feels like. i don't know if what i feel is what everyone else feels. this is one of the things i always thought made a damn good reason for wanting human beings to be telepathic. it sure would help in getting the intangibles across.

it seems that in all this time, i've only found what love is not, rather than what it is.

love is not abusive.
it is not someone asking you to do things for them in its name.
it is not someone putting you down in its name.
it is not someone beating you up in its name.
it is not someone taking everything you have in its name.
it is not a ticket for expectations.
it is not a demand for gratitude.
it is not lust.
it is not pity.
it is not compassion.
it is not greed.
it is not hunger.
it is not desire.

does it have aspects or bits of these elements in its components? i don't know.

love is not rage.
love is not the desire to hurt.
love is not the desire for revenge.

sometimes i think i have learned about the nature of love by blocking in the shadows, rather than walking in its light. from the negative that has been done to me, i learn what it is not.

from F, i am slowly, slowly, very slowly learning what it is.
it is so deep.
this patience, this kindness, this gentleness, this caring.
i know what it seems to be, coming from him.
i don't know if my feelings are the same, because i don't know what my feelings are.
i know i feel.. but i have no labels for my feelings.

how does a child know love without being shown it?

i know rage intimately well. fear. spite. malice. the desire to hurt and destroy and bring down into nothing. bitterness, loneliness, desperation. these things the world has shown me well. not of mine own origin, but of those who were thrown into my path. but they demonstrated their points very well.

only F...

one broken child clinging to another... we two cripples, learning to walk by imitating each other. was the world trying to make up for our pasts, by giving us to each other in our present?

only F...

is this gratitude i feel a part of love?