Posted 7:11 PM by Blah blah

In the spirit of tremendous laziness, I reprint this entry I wrote last April:

Dating Requirements

First, how could we ever forget crazy Mary, the Gentle, Strong, Seeks Chivalrous Agnostic or Atheist woman? [Check her out. She will drive you nuts with her lawyer's brief disguised as a personal ad.]

Breakupgirl [now out of business] writes her (imaginary) Big Daddy of dating requirements:

Otherwise easygoing SF, 29, in urban environment near excellent day school and gourmet supermarket with world-class cheese selection, seeks 31 to 36 year-old, Ivy League grad (except Penn), at least 5' 10", maximum 180 lbs., manageable hair, Fight Club physique (pec to waist ratio .33). Fiscal conservative/social liberal. Profession: law, medicine, banking, Internet (post-IPO); company must have groundbreaking paternity leave policy. Acceptable college majors: Economics, East Asian Studies, Pre-Med (no Theatre). Hobbies: eastern philosophies, pan-Asian cooking, puppies (yet still masculine). Conversational/business Japanese a must; also, two romance languages and ability to recite by heart prologue of Canterbury Tales (Ellesmere manuscript). SAT score at least 1550 (math-to-verbal ratio .66). No family history of medical problems (hypertension, osteoporosis, myopia, anemia, acne vulgaris, orthodonture, lazy eye, scoliosis; tennis elbow ok) or mass-market inclinations (angels, "Jekyll and Hyde," Nicholas Sparks, waving outside Today Show). Must be civil to (but not "friends" with) ex-girlfriends (maximum: 2). Informed, witty, self-starter: equally comfortable chatting at state dinners or changing a tire. Please send letter, photo, high school and college transcripts, 3 recommendations (1 academic, 1 professional, 1 non-threatening yet savvy friend-girl) plus two 750-word essays on the topics: (1) "What Foucault's Pendulum Means to Me" and (2) "Why I Always Share My Feelings." As I have no time to date, let's meet and break up over macchiatos. (You forgot to add: "tells the truth during impeachment hearings.")

Breakupgirl, who got dumped herself by her parent company Oxygen Media, [was] my favorite relationship columnist. Walk with me as I shop through some of her (American) readers' requirements:

"I won't date smokers, fundamentalists, guys who hate cities, guys who want kids, guys who have kids, or guys who think 'personal growth' refers to athlete's foot. Know anyone?" -- Fawn (You are so vivid. Hold on, I am still erasing that foot image...)

"I will never date a man who doesn't love pickles." -- Angie (Umm...check!...I think. It's McDonald's tonight, baby!)

"Have a dog; Have short hair. Short hair. Look at a seal to see what I mean by "short." (Actually, here's my super bonus ready-made standard of comparison. "How like Lisa Simpson are you?") -- Londonien (After 7 years of marriage she plans to turn LESBIAN.)

"I date only ranchers and cowboys because they tend to possess the qualities/attributes I want in a man. A professional, 'sensitive' man in Dockers just doesn't do it for me, so I'll leave those guys to the multitudes of women who lust after them. It all works out if we just stick with what makes our heart skip a beat and stay true to ourselves. Gotta have: hat, boots, full-size ext-cab truck, mutt, distaste for cultural activities, and a confident strut in jeans." -- Jennie (Hey Jennie! I have a friend named "Boss Hogg" you should meet...)

"I've realized that he has to want me as badly as I want him. He has to be prepared to make the effort. I'm not going to spend my life with someone I have to persuade. Maybe that's why I'm so damn single. I'm tired of the relationships that made me feel worthless if he didn't wake up next to me each morning unable to believe his luck. I'm lonely -- but I was lonely then, too, really -- and at least now I have my dignity to keep me warm." -- Eleanor (Christine! You already put up your requirements on your own website. Please get off mine... :p)

Hmmm, let's check out some of these requirements of mainland Chinese girls, shall we?:

"Do you know that I’m still waiting for you? I’m looking for you, who love me, coming to find me...I dislike to have so many money, grand house, and luxury car. I want to be loved by you. When you love me, I’m not sure it will be long lasting,. If you happen to meet a new one, I will be off you without any hesitation, for I love you more. You’re happy, so I’m happy, too. However, I expect from the bottom of my heart, that we will be together forever, till someday we will recall our life wonderfully. It is beautiful for me to be loved with your heart and soul. I’m the only daughter of my mother, please do not cheat and hurt me with you mercy. For you’re really doing harm to her. I love my mother." -- Laixi (She's romantic and frugal---plus you get TWO women for the price of one)

"Considerate man." -- Joyce (Short and to the point. Maybe she's really a gay man?)

"l looking a husber i knew a little english and i am studing english hardly
Ideal match: anyone who can accept me as his life partner" -- Pedisan (I keep reading "husber" as "hustler," for some reason. Must be my LASIK. The Ken doll might be a good start. He doesn't talk much either.)

Finally,
"ÄãÐèÒªÒ»¸öÎÂÈáÃÀÀöµÄ¶«·½ÆÞ×ÓÂ𣿶øÁ¢Ö®ÄêµÄÎÒÎÂÈáæµÊ磬 ÉƽâÈËÒ⣬¿ªÀÊ´ó·½£¬ÊǵäÐ͵ÄÏÍÆÞÁ¼Ä¸£¬°®ºÃÒôÀÖ£¬Åëµ÷£¬ÈËÉú·ÉÏ·ç·çÓêÓ꣬ϣÍû½áʶÓÐÔµµÄÄ㣡Çë¸øÎÒÀ´ÐÅ°É£¡³ÉÊìÎÈÖØ£¬»áÌÛ°®ºÍ¹ØÐÄËûµÄ°®ÈË£¬ÓÐÔðÈÎÐĺÍÎȶ¨¾­¼Ã µÄµ¥ÉíÄÐÊ¿¡£ "
-- Mimi (So right! The less you understand, the fewer arguments you have. Ok, hands off! Mimi's MINE!)

[Actually, now I know how to use Babelfish, the computer translation says, roughly:

"Do you need a gentle, beautiful Eastern wife? Here is my gentle Xian Shu, the friendly answer to people's desires, naturally open and bright, a typical good wife and mother, with hobbies like music, cooking, in the person way out the repeated difficulties. She hopes she has a reason to know you! Please send a letter! Wants an unmarried gentleman who is mature and steady, who can dote on and care about his wife, has a sense of responsibility, and is stable economically."]