Posted 11:39 AM by Blah blah

Guilt-tripping Parents

On RBJ, Delishomatic, a girl in Manhattan, started this topic: Do you ever feel like your parents are insane? Food for thought. What's your reaction? I feel this story holds a lesson for US who will eventually have kids and become parents. What can we take from her experience? She writes:

"i didn't have a close relationship with my parents while i was growing up because i didn't feel like they understood me. they were really strict about school stuff and nothing was ever good enough for them. my sisters and i all went to really top-notch colleges because we thought that's what our parents wanted, but now they just seem disappointed in us because they spent all that money and we didn't choose to pursue what they wanted us to pursue. plus my family is not wealthy so my mom is now complaining that we should have gone to state schools (since we didn't become lawyers, doctors, or future presidents therefore wasting our ivy degrees) and saved money. mostly it's my dad that seems to make the financial decisions around the house and a lot of times they are very well meaning, but not very well thought out. i mean, they don't have tons of money, yet they insisted on loaning me the down payment on a manhattan apartment so that i wouldn't "waste" my money on rents. while i appreciate it a LOT, i never asked for it, and now i feel like they think they wasted their money by loaning it to me. they don't have tons of money, yet they insisted on buying my younger sister a brand new car for grad school, when she was perfectly happy getting a used one with her own money.

my mom, in particular, seems really unhappy with her life--and i don't know what to do about it. she feels like she has sacrificed everything so that we can have what we have (she helped put my dad through school, never got to pursue a career she enjoyed because she had to work to make ends meet, etc...). she never took the time to cultivate her own interests so she expects the three of us daughters to make her happy. since we haven't (despite our accomplishments and knack for never ever getting in trouble) she feels depressed. if i try to talk to her about it and to explain that we are all pursuing our own lives but we still need and appreciate her, she goes into autopilot and thinks i am attacking her and belittling her. when i argue with someone i am very careful to not let emotions take over--i hate conflict so i try to be as objective about things as possible. on the other hand, my parents resort to guilt tripping tactics (my dad actually said to my sister that he won't be around much longer so she she should go to the grad school he wanted her to go to!) and then they think i am lecturing them and that i should be more humble. it's so impossible that i feel like giving up and not trying anymore, but because i care so much i can't stop trying. sometimes, i almost feel like she wishes we weren't all happy with our lives so that we would go crying to her and she could feel needed. this is an awful thing to think, but not unsubstantiated. aren't your parents supposed to be happy if they raise three girls who are successful in their own way and happy with their lives?

sorry if this is a total rant, but i just feel really frustrated about the whole thing."