Posted 10:55 AM by Blah blah

Found this entry in Yvonne's blog on July 13:

How to tell a girl you love her (Warren Kramer)

You don't.

You show her.

You be her friend.

You be there for her when she needs someone to talk to.

You cry with her when she is sad, and you are happy for her when she succeeds at something, even if - no, make that ESPECIALLY if - she does that thing better than you do. And you do all you can to see that she succeeds at things often.

You give her what she needs, when she needs it, emotionally I mean, not "things."

And if you do really love her, not just think she is hot, or are infatuated with her, you will do all this expecting nothing in return.

And I mean NOTHING.

If you expect anything from her, you do not love her, you just want to be loved by her. Everyone wants to be loved, but to be loved, you must love.

If you do these things well, one day she will come to you and confide in you about something she feels badly about, because, if you do these things well enough for long enough, it will be you she will want to confide in. When she does, you make sure she knows that it matters to you that this bothers her. If you have advice for her, save it until you are sure she knows you care, and that her feelings matter very much to you. Once you are sure of this, you may offer your advice, but know that the caring is more important than your idea of how the problem might be "fixed."

Loving her is not admiring the way she looks or anything else about her. These may be among the reasons you are attracted to her, but they are not acts of loving. Loving her is a series of actions, things you do for her, for no other reason than you love her.

Loving her is not wanting her to give you attention, or to give you anything for that matter. Loving her is wanting to give, not get. That is how you love someone. You give to them all you can give and expect nothing back. Once you have done these things well enough for long enough, and her eyes tell you she longs to hear you tell her, then you will have earned the right to tell her how much you love her.
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This is sweet, Yvonne. I would just add (spoiling the ideal mood) that if the girl is a little dense about these things, sometimes you gotta sit her down and say, hey honey, wake up...I am yours!

I agree with this part: "loving her is a series of actions." It's part of my conviction that love is more than declarations or lip service. It's work. It's doing doing doing. It's being there when you are needed.

BUT here's where I am more practical than him: many women (for example, my mom) take this definition to heart and so never learn how to ASK for what they need and want. They don't know how to ask it in a nice way, so men will want to do it. And although love IS a series of actions, it SHOULD include a lot of verbal support and encouragement, not ONLY actions. The problem that women (and the stereotypical "nice guys") have is they give too much without making it clear what they need. They expect men (or nice guys expect women which they have put on a pedestal) to look into their devoted eyes and just KNOW they love them. To be mind readers.

Sorry mom. I am NOT a mind reader.

Typically, what happens? The object of your affection takes you for granted. He sits there reading the paper, saying "Uh huh. What's fer dinner, babe?" Or if it's a girl, she says "Oh, you are soooo NICE. You are such a good FRIEND. Can I ask you a FAVOR? I'm going on a date with that hunk Bilbo Baggins next Friday night, and I need someone to watch my cat Penelope and change her litter box. Oh you CAN? Wait...isn't that the night of your friend's party? You'll cancel it for me? Awww...you don't have to. Are you sure? You are too sweet. I owe you one. I'm sure you will make some girl very happy. By the way, would you please do my laundry and clean my bathroom while you're at it?"

After a few years or months of this, you become the nightmare which you dreaded when mom did it to you: you turn into a NAG. After that, it's bitterness and resentment. Oh-woe-is-me-dom. Then you feel emotionally spent and trapped in a loveless relationship. You lie in a hole but don't know how to dig yourself out.

Oops, Yvonne. My cynical side got carried away there. I just wanna warn you from following this advice too blindly.

Also, showing love means brushing off her faults and magnifying her positive qualities. It's seeing the princess in her while everyone else sees the tramp.