Posted 7:19 PM by Anonymous

This English translation was done by Jane (thanks Jane), and the original Chinese article was written by Christina.

I haven't had a desire to confide in anyone for the longest time. Opening myself up will just expose my weakness and vulnerability and elicit some sympathy. I really don't care for your sympathies. In fact, I despise them. There is a word in the English language, "free," which is often used to describe the degree of liberty or uncontrolled will that's often associated with a lifestyle or pursuit of happiness. In my case, I can apply it to my heart by setting it free. I hope that wings will sprout from my heart and fly it away. I hope that it has boundless capacity. This solitary and barren chest of mine can no longer shelter my heart. I am truely saddened by it, but I don't know where it comes from, or maybe I did know but can't express it. Even now I still don't need your comfort.

Tomorrow I will still live in anticipation and change. I can't imagine what I will be like when I am 30. No one ever told me how long was forever or how far away it was. I try not to think of too many people and too many things. An absence of feelings would make my life happy. Happiness originates from a pleasure in our feelings, but that pleasure is pulled in all sorts of directions by our surroundings.The world is always in equilibrium and the heavens will bless you with an equal amount of pain and pleasure. Even so, many people are still unhappy together, and that is why there is hope and separation.

I know my happiness comes from communication, interaction with friends. Last weekend, a great friend from my school days invited me to go hiking with her. I have been living here in Nanjing for a decade and never hiked there. Zi Jin mountain must be a beautiful place. I am looking forward to it. I don't know how many more times I have left with Yuer, since she is preparing to become a architecture PhD student at Tong Nan University, and then she's going to study abroad. I treasure every opportunity we have together. Who knows when we will be separated, at the ends of the earth. We are all full of ideals, and just like someone said: "the harshness of reality seeps in like freezing wind into the crevice on a wall."

I feel like a spectator standing afar, looking at all the people rushing through my life. I have lost the urge to grab and hold on to something. I don't know why I get so depressed seeing people come and go. Isn't it silly and ignorant of me to think this way? I am not waiting for any particular person; I am only waiting for the moment when a spark lights up my heart like a firecracker, no matter how brief it is. I know that one day, I will lie in bed asleep with a man---someone I call my husband. For a long time, that will be how things are. There is nothing that we can change; maybe that is what they mean by marriage?