Posted 9:41 PM by Blah blah

Today was random web surfing day. Here's some of the catch I brought back in my little fish bucket.

As usual, Craigslist makes me chuckle with the following ads. The Craigslist community just had what looks like a cool party at the Curve Bar in SF. Why don't I get invited to THESE things? Damn...

Girlfriend Resume [Cute!]:

Girlfriend position with an interesting, attractive, 24-38 year old man in San Francisco or Marin that will build on prior success as a single woman and a long term girlfriend.

Relationship Experience

Single Woman in the City, Ltd., July 2001 – Present.
Single Woman
-- Posted personal ads on Craigs List, Match.com, and Nerve.com resulting in the three highest dating periods in single woman's 26 year history
-- Wrote and edited personal ads and personal responses to numerous men; also wrote numerous interesting journal entries and short stories
-- Managed inside and outside dates including hiking, dinner, drinks, sleepovers, museum outings, plays, music, and weekend trips
-- Trained dates on etiquette through the use of role-plays, briefings, conversations, and emails
-- Developed strategic plan to enjoy life as single woman including painting, reading, running, yoga, writing, and movie watching
-- Managed life so that dating was not the only concentration
-- Maintained friendships with other single women, old boyfriends, some new acquaintances

Long-Term Girlfriend, Inc., April 1999 - July 2001
Long-Term Girlfriend
-- Consultant to boyfriend on wardrobe, cooking, and family relationship issues
-- Participated in numerous debates including politics, existentialism, religion, business, and toilet seat positions
-- Formulated and implemented dating plan including extensive hiking, breakfasts in bed, high levels of cuddling, and fun with friends and alone
-- Wrote and edited online and print love letters
-- Defined boundaries for success as an entity of my own, not the other half of boyfriend
-- Responsible for PR with our friends to ensure that we kept all friendships and enjoyed time apart

Volunteer Activities

Conversation partner for mother, some cleaning and cooking, massages, and love

Education

Twenty six years of life

References available after we become acquainted.

Sorry to the young man on the BART (Missed Connections):

i accidently looked up (i really didn't mean to) and you said hi and started to introduce yourself. now i'm very friendly in the right situations, but i've noticed a trend in my life where i get picked up on by very young, and often very persistent men (such as yourself ) all too often, now i know, i shouldn't really complain-- it IS flattering and I'm told i look young for my old, old, old age -- did i mention i'm old? i was actually one of those old young people, but now that i'm getting older it seems i'm getting younger, strange- i know-- but when i realized it was happening again the words came out before i thought about it . .

"i'm reading" ...

Now i would normally grade myself on my own response here, but i never took the "how to get hit on correctly" class and as it appears, i have really bad manners in that area (which is admitedly a terrible, terrible thing) and i can't stand getting bad grades, so I will simply appologize and wonder how i can just say thank you next time or maybe smile bigger, but screw it don't I have a certain right not to get hit on in certain situations (can you just smile at me or something?).. or go ahead .. say something to me.. but don't ask for anything like.. my name or my phone number.. and for crying out loud, don't hit on me then ask for change..

I Hate Myself (Missed Connections):

YOU: Tall beautiful surly girl, short dark hair, pale skin, steel toed boots, fussing over the USE BY dates on the ground beef yesterday evening at Safeway on Church and Market.

ME: Slumped, wounded, slightly unattractive, unshaven, tired, basket full of Safeway Select brand products, moderate gut ... Ah what's the use.

Other ways to contact poster: Unlikely

$175 - Stay in my stationwagon for cheap!

Here's the deal. I have a BIG lovely stationwagon with 5 cupholders, cloth interior, 6 tube hooka, large ash tray, leopard trash bag, and tinted windows.

This is a one person stationwagon rental. I am asking for $175.00 per month and all other expenses are paid. However, you are reponsible for washing the windshield, morning defrosting, and oil changes.

I work from 9:00am- 7:00pm weekdays......SO THE CAR-APARTMENT will not be available at those times for entertaining, sleeping, or cooking. Weekends are flexible.

The CAR-APARTMENT is furnished with a futon, one yellow pillow, a stuffed care-bear, and some left-over candy wrappers. (I like candy) Sometimes I like to leave my tenants snacks and such.

Of course you will have have to live/rent the CAR APARTMENT in my drive-way. It's quite nice and near the Berkeley Capus, 7-11, various neighborhood bars, and a laundromat. If you ask nicely I can even park my car at the laundromat so you have easy access to clean your clothing.

Other ways to contact poster: only email, and you can't drive my car. sorry.
cats are OK - purrr

Are you happy where you’re sleeping?

I love my bed; there’s a great view, a fireplace, a beside table on each side, with cool books and sketch pads. The only problem is others don’t seem to know my bed exists. To wit: I’ve done a horrible job of marketing my bed. Sure, when a woman sees me on the street, she realizes on a super-subconscious level that I have a bed. But I kind of want some of the women I see on the street to actually come over and check my bed out, give it a test drive so to speak.

Now I have an open mind. I’m sure there are other great beds in the city and I would be willing to test drive other beds. My bed won’t be jealous, I’m certain. So maybe I am looking for a mean game of bed-swapping?

What I look like in my bed: I sleep on my stomach, except if there is a woman with me, in which case I can pull off a mean spoon. I am six-feet long, because I think I gain at least a half-inch since that pesky gravity isn’t acting on me in a vertical fashion. I have on boxers and a t-shirt if it’s cold. I have blue eyes, which you can’t see because my eyes are closed. I have a good body (translation: I am not embarrassed to take my shirt off at the beach, and sometimes when I do, someone will say, ‘nice body’) and my hair is about a half-inch long because more and more of it stays in the shower now (I’m 31). I don’t drool, honest!

What you look like in bed: you can sleep any way you want, as long as you don’t push your butt way out into my side of the bed, thus hogging the bed. If you do that, I’ll have to slap you on the ass to make you move over, unless we’re fooling around, then I might slap you on the ass any way, but only if I’ve cleared it with you first. You are wearing underwear and a t-shirt. You are in good shape and maybe you even workout on a regular basis or practice yoga, but not in the bed, unless we’re fooling around…

Please don’t ask to come see my bed if: you are mean; you are materialistic; you don’t like to spend long, but productive, hours in said bed; you eat in bed; you didn’t have a bed at college; you smoke in bed, or any where else; your bed isn’t in the city; you don’t consider yourself intelligent and wise.

Open For Revision (Glossary of terms for Craigslist posters):

Biden: poster who steals other people's ads and runs them as their own.
Bonaparte: a man who is pissed the hell off about women's height requirements.
Britney: a woman who posts a provocative ad just for the influx of responses, with no intention of following up.
Cass: a woman who won't post stats on account of weight
Cruella: someone who posts just to make fun of respondents. Britneys are not always Cruellas, but Cruellas are always Britneys.
Dorian: one who posts "I'm [blank] but look [blank]"
Dorothy: the witty, wry, bitterish, sassy poster
Doug: (as in Henning) guy who posts same ad every day changing only the title, in hopes that'll do the trick.
Ebenezer: Obsessed with women and their attitudes towards money. He'll be there when you get there, drink already ordered.
Emily: (as in Dickenson) a woman whose ad is heavy in the prose department.
Freud: (as in it doesn't take one to figure this out) a person who projects, via hostile posts, their frustration at being addicted to CL.

#### W A R N I N G #### THIS COULD HAPPEN 2U!!!

First I got a computer. Then I found out about craigslist. Well it quickly became obvious that a "pic" was imperative so I got a "pic". Now I had to learn the online lingo and how to market myself, what wording to use to skirt the fact that I am a relatively average middle age guy, no problem, I found out pretty quickly that I am actually just a VGL hunky late thirties stud. So I stretched the truth a bit.

Well, here's the bottom line, six months later I have done nothing but sit in front of this damn computer putting postings on craigslist as well as responding to the postings of others. I haven't been to the gym in months, am snacking on Spam and Ritz crackers and chain smoking. I have gained ten pounds and developped quite a hack.
I NOW LOOK NOTHING LIKE MY "PIC"

Batter up: I keep a lineup card of my favorite actresses, and though I love Meg Ryan, her feet might be a deal breaker. (Salon.com). This essay by Bill Vaughn really makes me laugh. Once I met a woman, a roommate of my coworker, who looked strikingly like Meg Ryan. I started calling her "Meg" and she would respond with the same goofy smile:

"After I took some heat last season for starting only babes and starlets [on my fantasy list of favorite celebrity women], I drafted Greta Van Susteren, the nimble little lawyer who co-hosted the CNN legal affairs show Burden of Proof (until Fox wooed her away). I liked the way -- for obscure reasons -- her smile got all crooked when she was excited about some point of law. The guys who had shamed me into this roster change featured players on their lineup cards such as Catherine the Great, the singer Natalie Merchant, lady CEOs and women who never existed in the flesh (Betty Crocker was one). These were managers, I finally decided, who had allowed their minds to beat out everything else for control.

After suffering through a dismal road trip with the politically correct but sensually inert Van Susteren (she's good with the glove but just can't hit to save her life), I had to admit that I didn't want women who made me think. I wanted women who made me dizzy. It was my teenage nephew who finally forced the issue (his leadoff hitter is Dominique Swain, the nymphet Jeremy Irons was obsessed with in the remake of Lolita). The boy sent me a squib from a fanzine that clearly showed that the person Van Susteren resembled most in the world was Fabio. I replaced her on the spot with Gwyneth Paltrow. And I've never looked back."