Posted 11:32 PM by Blah blah

Blogspot Blues

First my old site was down a few days, and now Blogspot can't load. Not having your own host sucks. I tell ya, I am fed up with how slowly this page loads. The administrators of my old host, alumni.eecs.berkeley.edu, told me they reinstated FTP in response to my protests. But for a month at least, I still wasn't able to get in. Turned out they had left out something for my account from the configuration. Damn it.

I am thinking of leaving Blogspot and either returning to my old site, which now works (if they ensure me permanent FTP access), or moving someplace like Diaryland. The writers are much better on average at Diaryland, while more likely to be anonymous, and I like the tighter-knit community there.

Imagine if we actually got paid for writing journals and drawing in an "audience in the prized 18-49 year old demographic." Like the whole David Letterman flap between ABC and CBS now, where each is offering him over $30 million a year to go with their network. Online advertisers would sponsor us with cash. Someone really popular like Winnie would be in salary negotiations right now like this...

Corporate suit from Blogspot: Good morning, Mr. Gan, how are you?

Me: Could be better. Haven't seen you guys since the virtual Christmas party, when I got stone drunk in that chat room. Do you need me to reduce my bandwidth or something?

Suit: Not at all, Mr. Gan, we just wanted to see how you are feeling in general here at Blogspot. It has been going on six weeks now, and headquarters has gotten lots of satisfied mail from the 18-49 demographic.

Me: Well it's about time I got some feedback. Hell, I guess you guys have been nice to me. The simple domain name I like. The ivory cigar trays were a nice touch. I can smoke like a Boy Scout campfire again. Was even thinkin' of starting a blog just about smoking, called "Bronchitis Blog."

Suit: Well we are really pleased to hear that, sir. Would you also like to try an assortment of Blogspot silk slippers, monogrammed with your initials? They are a hit with our executives, who tell me they look dashing wearing nothing but the slippers and the cigar.

Me: I hadn't thought of that. Good point, kid. Sure, just call the Defense Dept. and get one of their parachute drop boxes. You know, the type they used to drop food and medicine to the Afghan people. Fill up one of those with the slippers. That should be big enough.

Suit: Right away, Mr. Gan. Everything else to your satisfaction? The one thousand blog templates, the deluxe digital camera for those lucious hi-res shots of what you had for lunch...?

Me: Welll...tell ya the truth, kid...

Suit: Yes, sir?

Me: I'm...I'm kinda unhappy here.

Suit: NO...WE ARE...we're shocked, sir!

Me: Ya. I mean I am grateful for everything you guys HAVE done for me...

Suit: We try our best, sir. Evan Williams is always saying good things about you.

Me: I'll bet. You know I do a damned good job here.

Suit: Yessir.

Me: I bring in thousands of visitors and tons of ad revenue to Blogspot each month.

Suit: We are well aware of that, sir. And we are starting to target more ads at the top of the blog to your predominantly female audience.

Me: Oh really? Ok, but keep it subtle, all right? No feminine hygiene products above my blog.

Suit: Yessir, we'll talk to marketing about that. They just approved a Maxipad banner ad, but I'm sure they'll see your point. Not a problem.

Me: Hell, you're making this hard for me. I mean, I even LIKE you, and who usually likes the suits at his company?

Suit: Well we are hoping for many more years of happy blogging from you...

Me: Let me be straight with you, kid. Your page loads too slowly.

Suit: What???

Me: Let me qualify that. Your site loads too FUCKING slowly.

Suit: It's hard to imagine sir. But we will call customer service right away. We'll have a conference call this afternoon, we'll...

Me: I mean sometimes I wait one, two minutes for the damned page!!! I am having a fit, pounding the keyboard, hitting Reload. I just wanna hit somebody---the wait is so excruciating. In LA they
have "road rage." Well here in the Valley we have "page load rage." Even women. Just last week this granny had to wait two minutes for her bingo site to load. She just pulled out her Uzi and blew her computer away.

Suit: Good heavens! Well sir, we are deeply sorry for the inconvenience. Lots of people have complained to us about the page load speed. But we tell them to admire the contours of their blog while they wait. Or to have a window open on the side and play Solitaire.

Me: Look, bud, not me! Do I look like a Solitaire guy? Huh??? I was a chemical engineer. I prefer to blow things up. I'd rather play Minesweeper. But I can't stand it here. And my readers, too. I mean they trust me.

Suit: Yessir.

Me: They are used to the speed of my old Berkeley site. No ads. No fuss. No thousands of other people jammed on the server with me.

Suit: Yessir.

Me: Look, kid, I'm sorry about this...but I am having lunch with Diaryland today.

Suit: NO WAY!

Me: It's too bad, but I'm thinking of leaving you guys.

Suit: But DIARYLAND? That wimpy place? Forgive me sir, but for a tough-talking guy like you who can do his own coding, I am appalled. Sir.

Me: Ya well, that's what I thought at first.

Suit: C'mon, sir. What can they give you that we can't here at Blogspot? Diaryland is filled with these sensitive people ranting about breaking up with their boyfriends. Forgive me, but it's not you, sir. You are a Blogger-man. Not a diary girl. You write a "journal," not a "diary."

Me: I know I know. But what can I do, bud? Blogspot sucks. I told ya.

Suit: What can we do to sweeten your stay here? You are very important to us. Did we mention that our Christmas party was funded with your ad revenue?

Me: NO! I had no idea.... Well Diaryland has made me an offer, though...

Suit: My God! Don't say yes! Did you tell them anything, yet?

Me: Well no...I told them I'd think it over...

Suit: Good! What did they offer you? We'll double it.

Me: Well make my page load fast.

Suit: Look sir. Anything but that. Evan's orders. He doesn't want to buy new servers till we get more members.

Me: What the hell? Don't you already have 300 zillion members?

Suit: Yessir, but Ev doesn't think that justifies spending more money on servers.

Me: Well then, I gotta go. Lunchtime is coming up...

Suit: Wait!!! What is Diaryland offering you, sir?

Me: First of all, fast page loads. Then no ads. And a tight community of people who really like to write. And...

Suit: Ok, besides the page load issue, we'll double everything else. We'll double your ad size. We'll add twice the number of Bloggers who can't write.

Me: Oh my God...what a disaster.

Suit: And there's always the corporate jet.

Me: The WHAT???

Suit: The jet, sir. A refurbished Concorde. It used to belong to British Airways, but Ev got it and repainted the "ritish Airways" part to "logspot" and kept the "B."

Me: Wow...

Suit: Yessir, Blogspot reserves it for its top Bloggers. You can fly to Hawaii for lunch if you wish. And get back in time to blog about it before prime time.

Me: "Prime time?"

Suit: Yessir, between about 6 pm and midnight. The time when most people check their friends' blogs. Excuse me, sir. We're just used to the media jargon here.

Me: Okay... But what the hell do I need a jet for?

Suit: Just thought it would be a nice perk. I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger got one as payment for one of his movies.

Me: Ok, but I'm not Arnold. I'm Raymond. I have no use for a jet. Now an Uzi, on the other hand...

Suit: What will it take to make you happy, sir? Please don't go to lunch before giving us a chance to show you what we can offer...

Me: Ok, you got it. Hmmm...well first I want a raise.

Suit: Yessir. Would 10% be satisfactory?

Me: I'd say 20% would cut it. And start paying more of my Blogging buddies a salary, damn it.

Suit: Yessir. Just name them and we'll talk to HR about that.

Me: I mean, they pour their heart and souls out into their blogs, no?

Suit: Yessir.

Me: They bring in tons of ad revenue for you and lots of the 18-49 demographic. Lots of young Asian professionals.

Suit: Yessir. Kikkoman is very happy, sir. After we placed their ad above Min Jung Kim's blog, sales of soy sauce tripled. Finance was very happy about that.

Me: You betcha. That girl could raise the hairs on a kiwi fruit, ya know.

Suit: Yessir. I agree sir.

Me: Anyhow, I'd like a 20% raise, plus a cut of the ad profits.

Suit: Well, SIR, that's rather unprecedented...I mean...

Me: Look, kid. I'm late for lunch. Either gimme or I'm outta here!

Suit: Okay okay, Mr. Gan....please control yourself. We could add those lines to your contract.

Me: And you know what? I'm starting to get carpal tunnel syndrome from typing so much.

Suit: We're sorry sir. Would you like the services of our on-site masseuse? Her name is Birgitta. She's a Swedish blonde and very experienced.

Me: Oh that's just PEACHY! Ya, please schedule her around 5 pm today. I have golf after that. A little charity benefit with some fellow Bloggers, y'know. Sigh. Obligations obligations...

Suit: Right away sir. Birgitta is a specialist in wrist and palm massage. She starts with the shoulders and neck and moves on down to your fingertips. Our top Bloggers give her very high ratings for curing their wrist fatigue.

Me: Hey, NOW we're talkin' here! You should have told me this at the beginning! I gotta ask Diaryland if they have a masseuse...

Suit: Well sir...

Me: Another thing. I am just TIRED of typing in general. It's so slow and hinders my creativity. Y'know what I'd really like?

Suit: Yessir?

Me: A personal secretary. 100 wpm dictation. I'd rather talk than type my blog.

Suit: Ok sir, that's easy to do....

Me: Make sure she has long silky hair. Asian preferred. Perky, goes to the gym, y'know...

Suit: Not a problem, sir. We'll try to find one who also knows massage.

Me: You guys aren't half bad, y'know? Now yer talkin' my language!

Suit: Well we are most happy when you are happy, sir. Now about that lunch with Diaryland...

Me: Okay okay....I'm still going, but I'll just tell them I'll think about it. Don't worry.

Suit: Well sir...we'd like to see you sign your new contract.

Me: Hold on...one more thing I ask.

Suit: Yessir?

Me: Give my new secretary some cash.

Suit: Oh I see. You want her to shop for some sexy clothes, right?

Me: Well no. First thing I'll do is have her go shopping...

Suit: Yessir?

Me: For another server.