Posted 1:46 AM by Blah blah

Businessman's convoy of love for Vice-President (Ananova): "A businessman rolled up in a convoy of 24 black cadillacs to propose to Taiwan's Vice-President. Tung Nien-tai was stopped a block away from the Presidential Office by 160 police officers and threw his 99 red roses into the street. He is said to be infatuated with Vice-President Annette Lu Hsiu-lien." Move over, Chu Mei-Feng! Give Annette some press time.

Craigslist craziness

Whenever I want an instant laugh, I turn to the Best of Craigslist. If you are still a Craigslist virgin, their ads typically are spunky, overeducated, and range from classy to Jerry Springer-ish. Since most of them are from San Francisco, you can expect to find the most wild, quirky, countercultural, articulate, and intelligent people. Ok, all of you aged 17 and below---and all of you Asian parents---please cover your eyes and go straight to Barney and Friends. What follows is R-rated, meaning it would all be new to Al Gore:

you looked sexy even though...:
...you were having a seizure. it was in the hair care section at the noe valley walgreens. i was the guy in the blue shirt holding your legs while that old man put his wallet in your mouth. let's get together when you're feeling less woozy.

To the lovely blond I may have offended:
I was just thinking about this afternoon and think we may have had some miscommunication.

When I asked if you were a hooker I didn't mean it like it might have sounded or how I think you may have taken it. I didn't mean that you LOOK like a hooker just that if you wanted to be one that I'm sure you could do very well at it because I think you are gorgeous. I meant it as a compliment but somehow I don't think you took it that way.

Now that I think about it maybe I should have used the term "call girl."

Wanna try this again? I promise the next time we see each other I won't be so goddamn drunk.

The Truth About Cats and...Well, Just Dogs: List of bad dating ads.

The Beautiful Pharmacy Girls at Kaiser:
As I waited in line to drop off my prescription in the South Building, 1st floor pharmacy at Kaiser in Pleasanton I realized that all four girls working the pharmacy, including the redhead that kept coming and going, were very attractive. Being newly single, not only am I realizing how many truly beautiful women are around but that these women may be available to ME. So knowing that soon I'll be face to face with a young beautiful pharmacy girl I started contemplating how I'm going to charm one of these lovelies into giving me her phone number so we can hook up for an arbitrary beverage. Therein lies my dilemma, how do you pick up on a pharmacy girl?...

coolest girl ever seeks same:
"i desire her friendship more than i desire bejeweled platinum jewelry"
---p. diddy

"sexier than robert plant and britney spears spears wrestling beneath a glorious waterfall of olive oil and glitter"
---justin timberlake

"i would come out of my secret hiding place just for a chance at her friendship."
---VP dick cheney

"i'm just glad she lets me borrow her clothes"
---chloe sevigny

cars passing in the sunset:
You were the beautiful asian woman in the blue(?) car yelling sweet obscenities in my ear.

I was the smitten asian guy in the tan Corolla that almost hit you.

We both stopped and held eye contact for several seconds as you screamed your pretty head off. I thought I felt a spark. I was willing to take up your offer to teach me how to drive but didn't catch your info as you sped off. Coffee?

this is in or around missed collision at Taraval and 27th @ 6pm, 1/14

[Some women are just more beautiful bitchy.]

Space Alien:
Space Alien looking for human female subject for scientific experimenation - maybe more. I'm looking for a woman who wants more than capture, probe, mind wipe and release.

I'm 9' tall, grey skin, gills, long smooth tentacles with lots of suckers, cold slimy skin and green eyes. Most women find me attractive! I'm easy going and have a great sense of humor. If you mind meld with me you'll know that. I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 100,000 years - but I think I'm ready again.

I like to spend a romantic evening soaking in a nice big tub of warm brine and have someone to mind meld with and rub my tentacles - touching - feeling - especially the 9th tenacle - if you know what I mean. --- hmmmmmm --- ;;-))

[Reminds me of what I consider to be Isaac Asimov's funniest story, "What is this Thing Called Love?"]

I need someone to take CPA Ethics test for me:
Local CPA candidate has no time to study; will PAY you to take the ethics exam for me! Serious replies, only. You must have passed test in California within last two years.

[Andersen, eat your heart out.]

High Tech Martyr:
Objective:

I am seeking a position that will utilize many years experience taking the blame for things that don't go as planned....

This town and bong water, perfect together:
The really interesting part about SF is the combination of tech-geek/geniuses and stoner/drug-user. Where I'm from, we smoked and then watch beevis and butthead marathons or up_in_smoke for about the 1000th time. On one occasion, we did create a bong out of an empty tennis ball cannister, a steel pen, and duct tape. We thought we were pretty brilliant and congratulated ourselves for about 2 or 3 days.

Also, people seem to be extremely well-researched here about recreational drug use. Back home, we just roll. Here, people are careful to preload with antioxidents, 5-HTP, b-6, and folic acid followed by a post-roll SSRI to prevent axon loss. Of course, that does nothing to prevent damage to the seratonin transport (or something similar) mechanism so it would best be wise to keep MDMA consumption to under 1mg/pound. All this was calmly explained to me by someone at a club whose pupils were so dilated that he looked like a caucasian that had just stepped out of a japanese cartoon. Oh, and he had just developed a new object-oriented programming language for creating multi-user web-enabled applications.

What exactly do you call a geeky slacker? Someone who does nothing all day but smoke and on occasion revolutionizes the field of optics by creating a new form of packet-switching technology?

[Give me a glass of water, pleeeez! I'm hyperventilating. Yuk yuk yuk. "There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." -- Jeremy Anderson]

Free Spelling Lessons for all CL Posters:
uninhibited
Pronunciation: "&n-in-'hi-b&-t&d
Function: adjective
free from inhibition.

uninhabited
Main Entry: inhabited
Function: adjective
having inhabitants.
so, the opposite of 'having inhabitants' would be 'not having inhabitants'

hint: you want the first one (uninhibited).
as in, "Need a girl next door who's completely uninhibited with my 12' pet boa."

Flirting on my deathbed:
You were the medical tech that helped me out after the boring overfed ambulance men dropped me off at Kaiser in SF.

Dark hair, not to tall.. a bit scruffy. Very energetic.

You looked like you had band practice after work. We made eye contact in a big way and in my weakened voice i tried to be bubbly and flirt with you. how pathetic but i tried!

In spite of my illness, dirty hair and unshaven legs, somehow you saw through all that and smiled at me.

too bad my mom was there or I would have asked you more questions. I feel like such a dork. But I did notice you.

You were the reason I didnt go towards the light! thank you.

Maybe next time we will meet under better circumstances. Im all better now!

Cute Girl with Amoebae Seeks Nice Man to Feed Us:
Slightly feverish, attractive single woman (early 30's) with mild cramping seeks kind gentleman to take me and my amoebae out to dinner. You pay for dinner, I'll pay for our prescription drugs. Clean restaurants only. Please hurry. We are ravenous. You must be a social extrovert as the amoebae currently outnumber us and have all sorts of outlandish things to say.

To view amoebae, click here:

We are standing by, snacking, waiting for your reply.

How to Flirt:
My missed connection is to the man in the ski cap at java beach today, the blonde (long hair) man at Safeway in outer Richmond last night, and it goes on and on! I've realized why. I don't know how to flirt. Any men out there (late 20's and early 30's) want to tell this clueless woman how to flirt? What do women do that gets your attention and keep it? Please?

REPLY:
...
If we're not strangers, and you want to make your interest clear when we're hanging out somewhere, it'll vary from situation to situation, but some things are generally true:
- laugh at my jokes.
- touch me. Nothing gross, simply a hand on my knee (if I'm tall, my head if I'm short) when making a point in conversation.
- mention that you're single. The best way is to mention a date you had last week that didn't go well - it shows you're available but not desperate. It also, if you tell it right, gives him a hint about what you would want a date to be like.
- massage my prostate. (Gently)

My missed connection?
a literary device that'll wean me off of excessive parenthesis. I know you're out there, somewhere. (aren't you?)

Luscious Geek--we slept together--you had to be at work by 4 AM:
My Sweet,

I woke up and you were gone! Tore the house up but couldn't find you anywhere. I forgot to tell you I'm falling madly in love with you. The passions we shared this weekend--I confess, I've been dorkwhipped! But you left so early--was it something I said? something I did? something I poured on you and licked off?

Perhaps you don't understand the depth of my passion. Well let me tell you:
I would face my technophobia for you! I'd learn to bank online. I'd even stop calling 1-800 numbers and find what I need on the web, just pleeeeeease come back to me! I need my very own computer geek.

My printer is still broken and I plan to be very VERY grateful when you get it working again. Yes, you are the skilled technician to fix everything that ails me. You have the hands of a musician, and the concentration of a brain surgeon. I've got an a: drive that wants to have your disk inside--I promise to use virus protection--oh, download me, baby!

Am I coming on too strong? Is that what sent you out into the night? Please forgive me for being so wanton, but you bring it out in me. Can we please play the naughty computer store salesgirl and the curious consumer just one more time? Will you surf my web? install that hard drive? kiss me and murmur obscure programming commands in my ear?

Only you have the password to this account. I knew my only chance would be to post something online.

passionately awaiting your next email,

geeklover

one bedroom apartment plus boyfriend:
I have a sunny one bedroom in Noe Valley. I also have really cute legs. This will make sense in a second . I decided this place was feeling just too big so I thought I would look for a roommate and then I remembered that I was looking for a girlfriend too so why don't I just throw all my eggs in one basket and go for the whole Shibang. Kittenkaboodle. Ball of wax. Whatever. This might sound nuts but I bet there is some lovely woman out there saying to herself, " GOD I wish I could find a good man... with a full size refrigerator and new tile in the bathroom." So here is the deal: you have a great smile and a heart of gold, and you also need to have curtain rods and hopefully a good floor lamp. I am 35, physically fit, have a good job, and the apartment has a living room and a good size kitchen. I have an unusually high IQ, interesting sense of humor, and there is plenty of cabinet space in the pantry and good water pressure in the shower head. I am looking for someone who is sweet and honest and earnest (like me) and who likes to have presents made for her and her pillow fluffed and also wouldn't mind making me a ham sandwich now and again. NOT because she HAS TO, but because she LOVES me. Like I love her. Which is why I would sit there and hold her hand while she cried for an hour about something that made absolutely no sense. And then I would get up and make HER a ham sandwich. And some soup. Then I would fix the water heater. Because I love her. Anyway, the apartment is close to shops and muni and my best qualities are my exhuberance for life, one-of -a- kind personality and kindness and compassion for others. I retain a certain cheerfulness and hopeful disposition, and I am even romantic like people were back in the days before the sexes were afraid to interact with each other…like when they would actually smile and say hi to each other… like in the 50’s. Upon completion of a successful interview please be prepared to provide a nominal deposit . You also have to sleep with me. Utilities included. Did I mention I like animals?